to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

So, do you expect your DP to treat both DDs as equals then turn round and say that he doesn't get a say in how she's parented? Not acceptable.

Look, you are going to cause problems for your DDs between them, it's not fair that DD1 gets to go to a good school and your DD2 goes to a shitty one. If the school isn't good enough for DD1 then why will it be ok for DD2?

Is there anyway you and DP could afford DD2 to go too? If that involves you going to work full time and/or giving up your dream of a 3rd DC then so be it. (Bare in mind that private schools normally give a discount for siblings so for DD2 you won't have to find the same amount). Failing that, could you move so that both DDs are close to a good school and have the chance of a good education?

I wouldn't do this to my children. It could negatively impact on their sibling bond.

Going to a junior school you were not impressed with will be bad enough for dd2 but without her big sister there ...

oh and OP, if it was the other way round, if your DP could afford to pay for his step daughter to go private, would you turn down the money because he's not the father? Does your DP spend any of his money keeping your DD1? Does he pay for holidays for you all? Then he should get a say!

But they are different. They have different dads. Their lives are never going to be exactly the same.

Agree to dd1 going to private school. Her dad has the right to wish and pay for this. It's not his business about your other children. To deny her and him this in some pointless quest for equality is petty.

I'm baffled by the people who appear to be saying that if the junior school is unacceptably poor that's a reason to send both girls there .

What a tricky situation. I know a couple of people who went to state schools while their siblings went to private schools (because there wasn't enough money for all to go private) and as adults they are very chippy about it and resent their parents for this "favouritism". Without getting into the arguments over whether private school is better than state school, if you send DD1 private you are impliedly expressing your view that private school IS better.

If it is a question of choosing to have a DC3 or give the DD2 you already have the same advantage educationally, of course you should choose the latter. If you don't want to do that then have the third DC and treat them all the same. It is not the DCs' fault that they have different fathers of different means, and creating circumstances in which the difference is so starkly apparent can only store up problems for the future.

Private school aside, if the junior school near you is so bad, why have you not considered moving closer to a school that is better?

Have you considered what would happen if your ex lost his job and could no longer pay the school fees? What if he has any more DCs and cannot afford school fees as a result? Would you be sending DD1 to the rubbish junior school then?

I think the business of telling your DP that it is your business to "parent" DD1 and that you will make the choice with her father is a shocker! How would you feel if it was the other way around? You have chosen to form a new family with this man. Is it really fair to effectively tell him to butt out of a major decision that affects your whole family, including his own DD? Having said that, he has chosen to make his life with you, including your DD1 and should therefore not expect there to be no "baggage" in the form of input from her dad. Surely there is room for compromise here, and the compromise perhaps is to sacrifice lifestyle and a third DC, and focus all your resources on giving the best you can to those you have?

Whoever made the point about the DP having a choice about having a third child is right. Your dp could try and get a better job, he could try and get a second job, you could both cancel the plans for dc3. There are other options available that you have to discuss, but your priority has to be to the children you have, and to the child who is going to be affected now not in 2-3 years time.

i think other poster how said about step father having no say is right.

how would you feel if DP took dd2 to a theme park, bought her new clothes to go and had lunch after.......but said he is taking taking dd1 as its not his child

Delay forget dd3 send them to same school.

PerplexedPetunia - what ages are your daughters? My first thought was no, it wouldn't be fair but I read the arguments by people saying send her and I've slightly changed my mind. If the gap is fairly wide I would probably go for it as perhaps the situation might have changed by the time DD2 is ready for juniors - the school may have improved or if not perhaps you will have decided to move to a different area for a different school. A friend has a DD age 12 and two younger DDs with another partner age 5 and 2. Her first DD goes to a private school - she was in one at juniors when she met her current partner and has gone on to a private secondary. She knows she can't afford private for the second 2 but is hoping to have saved enough by secondary to put them both in private. State doesn't have to be second best. I think your DD2 probably won't think much of it - she will grow up realising DD1's dad comes to pick her up and if she ever questions it when older you can honestly say DD1's father pays for it. I think it would be worse if they both had the same dad and one was allowed to go and not the other. But I do think you need to consider finding a better junior school if that's where DD2 and DC3 will go.

I know of many families where the children have gone to state schools, parents have divorced and remarried richer people and then sent the children of those marriages private.

That's a bit pants, but unavoidable. And I don't think people would have suggested not sending new children of marriage through.

If you don't send her through it doesn't change the fact she has parents who want her to go to private school. Where does it stop? Say her father pays her uni fees and she emerges debt free but her sister doesn't. Will you make her emerge with debt too?

But her current partner is the stepfather of dd1. Ex partner has nothing to do with dd2.

@captain so?

"I would send DD1 to the private school, go back to work full time a d send DD2 as well. You yourself said that the junior school is rubbish and you like the private school a lot."

No she didn't. She said she was "wooed" by the private school, and had concerns about the junior school.

Op, you know that you can't possibly allow this to happen. Have a look at other schools- examine the concerns you have about the junior school- but don't set your children against each other like this. You will regret it down the line. Family relationships are SOOO much more important than ANYTHiNG else in the world. And this will screw them up badly.

I'd also be thinking about moving nearer to a lovely state school to try to find a compromise...

So, mchappy scenario isn't relevant. Dd1 and dd2 will not have perfectly equal lives. They won't share weekend activities for instance. They will always be different.

YABVU, you are quite happy to let your younger child go to the school you dont see as acceptable for DD1 just so that you can work less and have another child.

Your children should be treated the same by you, you are both their mothers regardless of them having different fathers.

I assume your DP treats both the same otherwise you'd be up in arms if he started treating his biological child different to his step child.

As others have said I would send dd1, work full time and send dd2 and not have the third child. It's tough but it is what it is.

I agree, they have different fathers, and different opportunities follow from that. It cant be evened out. DD1 doesnt have both her parents living with her. When her dad wants to pay for her to go to a school that both her mum an dad feel is better for her then it might still not happen. The two DDs do not have the same life.

yanbu, I would let her go, the girls have different parents. Their lives will never be exactly "fair", even if they were both yours + current DP. I know single parents who are in this position & have let some of their DC go to a private school paid for by the NR parent of just some of their DC.

Fairness is about equally meeting their needs, not making every opportunity identical.

I too would look at moving, even if it meant moving in time for dd2 to go to a better junior school.

My eldest is at private younger 3 will never go, she has a different dad, it was a scholarship situation and she is significantly older than her half sisters - fortunately the local school has improved since she would have gone too (which I always hoped)

Hang on. So the OP has to completely change her life plan because her dd's father wants her to go to private school?

Agree with others who have said:

Forget a third child
Move house so you are closer to better schools for both dc OR
Work more hours/change jobs so both dc have the opportunity to go to private school

No, but it is a choice that she can make if she wishes to.

no way could i treat any of my children any differently..despite who or how rich the daddy is