to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

And I just cannot get my head round this " Private education is more important than another baby" thing.

Yes seeker, but only is she wants to take up exs offer.

I don't think I would even entertain the idea.

Don't deny her father the opportunity to give his child the best in life. If DP has an issue with it that's his problem!!!!

I just couldn't. Scholarships are different in my mind providing the school most appropriate for the child. Buying a better school for one child and not the other could potentially massively divisive between the two and a bit odd that one member of the family is in essence living a different lifestyle to the rest of you. IME private schools come with a whole different lifestyle - tutoring, after school activities, expensive uniform, expensive friends, expensive school trips. Its not as simple as just a different school.

Plenty of people who could afford private schooling don't do it, it isn't a necessity that she goes just because your exP can afford it.

Better to spend your energy working out how you both girls a decent education that is accessible to both (and you don't have two school runs).

I can see the arguments for doing it. I just couldn't do it.

I started out thinking that you should treat all your children the same.

But this is not you treating one differently to the other, and I think it would lead to a lot of resentment if you didn't let your DD1 go to the better school, since she has the opportunity. (assuming it actually is "better")

Making sure that the school that DD2 will go to is a good one is a separate issue, but one that you will have to consider.

I'd be interested to see how many people who ate opposed to the idea have kids in private school? It is a different world to the state sector. I'm sure you can cut back on things to pay for dd2 to go too. Holidays days out takeaways and schools offer charitable assistance to parents who can't afford fees look into this.

are

"Cut back on takeaways", "if you skip your daily latte you could save £10 a week"

Advice like this always assumes that people waste a lot of money in the first place.

Also, I know a family where the mum has a DS from previous relationship and a DD with her DH. Her ex is a plumber. Her DH is very wealthy. He pays for her DS to go to private school. It is slightly different to your circumstances as her current partner is the rich one, but it's not inconceivable that your DD1's dad might pay for both DDs to go to the same school, is it? Having said that, I think if he were to agree, it would be a bit much having a DC3! But is it worth at least raising this with him? Not "will you pay for both?", but perhaps just say you would like DD1 to go but are worried about the change in the family dynamic if DD2 cannot go. See what his response is.

There are so many factors, as Kew says, it's not just what goes on between 9-3.30. If you all live under one roof then why would you want to be the cause of any division, I think this will cause massive rifts between the girls.

Don't understand people saying the father can basically dictate what he wants and the mother should just let him. What if he decided he wanted to give more money for her to only eat organic food/only wear designer clothes. It is exactly the same. He has no right to insist a mother treat her dc differently.

The dc should be given the same opportunities. If the op wants to accept money for one child to attend private school she has to somehow raise the money to allow her other dc to do the same.

Is ex in a position to see this through all the school years?

I think it´s sad to treat the girls differently, but I don´t see why eldest daughter should lose out tbh.

Why on earth should exP have to pay for private school for a girl who is no relation to himand he never sees! Don't ask for that. It's completely unreasonable.

Terrible idea

Hmm, that is difficult. I'd say you have to treat your DDs the same but then DD1s dad does have a say in her education too.

My DH went to private school from the age of 7 while BIL went through the state system. I think there were issues and BIL felt like DH was being treated differently and he went through periods of being quite angry about it. I think the worse thing is that PIL ended up overcompensating and now definitely show favouritism to BIL.

If it helps though, BIL is way more successful that DH and went through (a good) university without any problems, whereas it took DH 6 years to graduate from a standard BA course. :)

Good luck with your decision.

I don't think anyone is saying the father should dictate quick but if we are talking in those terms, why should the DP dictate his feelings over what is best for that one particular child?

Interesting point earlier about this potentially freeing up more money for dd2 to do other things.

If you do send DD to the private school who is going to pay all the extra expenses? Uniforms are often more expensive than the state schools (IME) and so are the extra curricular activities. Will you have to fund them and would this mean that there is less money in the pot for DS2?

My answer would be work full time and send DS2 there as well.

It would be a different issue if the mother disagreed with private school, or hated the private school. Bu she doesn't. So there is little argument with the ex on this. Just the concern about equality. Which is not really a concern of the ex. I would be more than cross if i was him and the mum refused the school due to a pointless quest for equality.

To the people saying that the 2 DDs should be treated the same - how would you feel if you were DD1?

I was offered a scholarship for private school. A lot of the reasoning behind why I didnt go was because my DPs couldnt afford to send my sister-correct decision IMO

Its really tricky though. I would completely understand if your X got annoyed that his dd is being denied an opportunity.

In your situation, i think i would;
*not have dc3
*find out about bursaries, I think our local private school will pay 50% of fees. Is it means tested? probably look favourably if dd2 has sibling there already
*Speak to X to see if he would be willing to contribute help for fees for dd2. Im sure he would have some empathy for your concerns over wanting to give your dcs the same opportunities
*get dd2 into training of some sort so she can win a ascholarship

upahill the OP said that her DD1's father was willing to pay for uniforms etc as well as the fees.

oh-and go back to work full time

Catsareevil

Knowing how I was a kid I would feel like I was the cat that got the cream and that I could do no wrong and I was the special child.

(I was in many ways and it has caused huge resentments over the years)
It wasn't until I was older and more mature that I could see why I was so favoured)

IMO treating them the same does not mean that they should do exactly the same things. It means being even in your encouragement and even in how you help them to take advantage of the opportunities that are presented to them.

If DD1 showed an aptitude for tennis and DD2 wanted to do swimming, you wouldn't make them both go to the same sports clubs to "treat them the same".

If both DDs went to drama club, and the local pantomime needed a 7-year-old girl for their show, would you say no because the older/younger child didn't have the same opportunity?

If DD2 was invited on holiday with a friend with rich parents you wouldn't say "you can't go because DD1 can't go".

DD1 has an opportunity that DD2 does not have. This will happen a lot in their lives, in both directions. If you were to never let one child do something because the other child couldn't you would be being very unreasonable.