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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

639 replies

PerplexedPetunia · 13/05/2012 09:50

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so Sad.

OP posts:
24joy · 15/05/2012 14:50

How can your dp dictate where you and ex's dd goes? If your dd1 was living with your ex and his new wife and she forbid it because she couldn't do it for her own i would say get stuffed..

Miggsie · 15/05/2012 14:52

Situations like this can never be fair, my friend had it the other way, the absent father of her son didn't contribute and by the time she earned enough money to consider private education he had finished school so only her daughter got to go private.

At the end of the day the issue may be that your DH has to acknowledge he doesn't earn as much money as your ex and cannot send his own child to private school, which is his own problem to do with his self worth and not a problem to foist on your children.

The bigger issue would be if one child started crowing over the other about this...this is possible though may not happen with your children.

The best situation would be to get your DD in a private school as an "in" then talk to the head about possible sibling discounts and bursaries

gramercy · 15/05/2012 15:03

Coming back to the out of school activities... now this I think is a bit unfair. It's one thing for your ex to be paying school fees, but it doesn't seem right that you should be ferrying dd1 to ballet/horse riding/whatever and dd2 has to stand by and watch because you can't pay for her. No wonder your dp is cross about this. By taking your dd to these activities in full view of dd2 you are colluding in the unequal treatment of the girls.

ExpatAl · 15/05/2012 15:23

Completely agree with gramercy.

Runoutofideas · 15/05/2012 15:45

Is that partly an age thing though? My 7 year old does art club, ballet, drama, gymnastics and swimming, my 4 yr old only does swimming. Not a financial decision, just what suits each child.

Flatbread · 15/05/2012 15:56

Runout, does your DP complain that you are being unfair to your 4 yr old and favouring your 7 year old? Is he actively disinterested in the achievements of your seven year old? I bet not!

ExpatAl · 15/05/2012 16:00

You are twisting things to suit your own argument Flatbread. It is not the same because they are doing different things according to age suitability, not because of finances.

crunchbag · 15/05/2012 16:07

Runout, yes it is partly an age thing but I assume your youngest can do the same clubs if she wanted to at a later age. The OP however states : 'DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2'

Perplexed, I don't think it should to be a problem having 1 in private and 1 in state but it will be if their day to day lifestyles are going to be completely different. Your dd1 will have more opportunities thanks to her richer dad so you have to balance that out with dd2.

Flatbread · 15/05/2012 16:30

Expat, if current dp cannot provide for his child, that is his problem. He is a twat for taking his inadequacies out on dd1. Actively disengaging with her is a passive aggressive way of punishing the child because her father is relatively wealthier

porcamiseria · 15/05/2012 16:33

what gramercy said

I think you are heaping alot of future problems up majorly

there is more to life than ££££
and they are sisters, and should be equal

gramercy · 15/05/2012 16:35

Agree there, crunchbag. If dd1 goes to a private school, then I don't think you can then take her off to expensive out-of-school activities as well. As others have said up-thread, if your ex wants to do these on a Saturday, then that's fine, but you can't rub dd2's nose in it by taking her yourself. In fact you should ensure that dd2 has first dibs on any activities.

Runoutofideas · 15/05/2012 16:50

You would probably find that a lot of the things which she is currently doing out of school would be offered within school at the private school, so it may not be so obvious to dd2 that she is not doing the same things. Some of the time and money not spent travelling around between activities could allow dd2 to do some extra bits and pieces as she gets older.

Flatbread - you are right. My dh does not behave like that, but I see it as a couple of separate but interconnecting issues going on here.

shuffara · 15/05/2012 16:52

I have only read the OP! And can see there has been lots of discussion....

Yes I am afraid you are being unreasonable. We chose private school for dd1 knowing full well we would have to offer the same opportunity for dd2 AND dd3.

I think very unfair and very divisive not to send both - also you will lose all the lovely closeness they get from being at same school albeit years apart.

shuffara · 15/05/2012 16:54

I would find it utterly bizarre if I knew a child in dds class had a sister who would not be coming to the same school because she had a different dad!

sue52 · 15/05/2012 16:59

I think some of you are rather hard on the OP's OH. It might have seemed to him that the school was perfectly fine, all was well and they could look forward to a DC3. Suddenly after one trip to a private school (I assume he didn't accompany OP and EX) and no consultation with him, it's all bets off. DD1 is going private and DD2 either gets left behind or she joins her sister at the private school and there will be no money left to afford a DC3. If I were him, I'd be fuming and more than a little irrational.

crunchbag · 15/05/2012 17:06

Runout, that is a good point depending on the activities.

OP still needs to take the imbalance in consideration, it might be activities now but it might as well be designer clothes or expensive gadgets in the future. DD2 is too young to realise now but won't be for much longer.

Flatbread · 15/05/2012 17:14

Sue, OP has said that DP has been cold to dd1 and ignores her achievements, even before the private school thing started.

If that is the case, then dd1 is being isolated within her daily family unit, which is really sad and in some ways, emotionally abusive towards a child.

Emphaticmaybe · 15/05/2012 17:14

This is so tough but I think you only have 2 choices,

  1. you let DD 1 go to private school and then, as you said, you work full time and put off DC 3, in order to give equality to both. Or 2) neither children go to private school and you very carefully explain to DD 1's dad he can continue to enhance her education in ways that you and your new DP can match for Your DD2, ( music lessons, activities etc) Good luck.
suzikettles · 15/05/2012 17:22

Actually, the activities I guess are what they are.

Dd1 wants a pony, dd1's dad buys her a pony. DD2 wants a pony, they'll just have to have the "we can't afford it" conversation with dd2. Hopefully dd1 will let her sister visit her pony.

But, if it's dd1 wants a pony and wants to spend all her time going to gymkhanas and being driven back and forth from the stables etc (I'm probably showing myself for the pleb I am here, this is just based on the grumbles I used to hear from a pony club mum I used to work for), and op ends up spending all her free time driving dd1 & pony hither and yon, then that impacts on dd2 in a different way, and I can't see how any of you could say that was acceptable surely?

DD1 may want to do lots of activities, and dd1's dad may be able to afford them, but time has to be equal. There will be activities dd2 can do without it costing the earth.

shuffara · 15/05/2012 17:26

I am actually gobsmacked that there are families out there who would consider letting their dd1's father buy a pony/expensive hobbies or a private education KNOWING that dd2 will never be able to have either/any of the expensive things that dd1 gets. Really Shock?

Why on earth WOULD your dh buy dd1 something that he knew that you couldn't afford for your dd2? And why on earth would you let him? I can't see any good in it at all.

shuffara · 15/05/2012 17:28

Yes - what emphaticmaybe said.

suzikettles · 15/05/2012 17:28

Actually, op never said that her dp was cold to dd1. She did say that he felt dd1 did too many activities and she did say that he thought she was trying to overcompensate for having had to work when dd1 was small, and she did say that their relationship could be better.

She didn't say he was cold or emotionally abusive - other posters have said that.

Mayisout · 15/05/2012 17:42

Am Shock at posters advocating DD1 lives with DF --- so he gives up work to look after DD1 and thus living on benefits ensures DD1 not more fortunate than DD2? Hmm

Flatbread · 15/05/2012 17:49

Suzi, some excerpts from OP's posts

Our family dynamic is comfortable but DD2 is very much 'our' child and DD1 is mine. I do the running around because I am available to do it and DP doesn't really have a lot to do with DD1.

DP thinks DD1's schedule is OTT and said he doesn't want the same for DD2 but nevertheless is a bit snarky about it all and has started being actively disinterested in DD1's achievements so I'm not sure what he really thinks/wants.

He's very sensitive to any indication that DD1 is getting more attention that DD2. I have pointed out that I went back to work much earlier with DD1 but he has a bee in his bonnet about me trying to 'make it up' to DD1. He thinks I should avoid trying to compensate DD1 with extra attention and often points out that it won't 'work.'

Sounds like DP is competitive, immature and passive-aggressive towards dd1. Put yourself in dd1's 7 year old shoes...would you want to stay in an environment where your stepdad is sarky about what you do? Or pretending that your achievements don't matter?

And then he actively tries to prevent her from getting a great education, so he can stay within his comfort zone... let dd1 sacrifice the opportunity of a life-changing education so DP can have dc3 and live comfortably, while being passive-aggressive and making dd1's life uncomfortable. Seriously, the guy sounds like a prized twat.

catsareevil · 15/05/2012 18:33

I'm Shock at the posters who think that DD1s father shouldn't be allowed to spend money on her because of what DD2 father earns.

As someone else said earlier - how would you feel if you had a DD who didn't live with you, and her fathers new partner earned less and so didn't want you buying education or activities that she couldn't afford for her DD?