AIBU and very unwomanly to be freaked out by pregnancy and birth and to not really want or yearn for a baby?

[Pinkflipflop]

Sort of wished I had never discovered mumsnet! There is so much about pregnancy and birth I didn't know about, bleeding, leaking boobs, horrors of childbirth, effects on body, pnd, loss of figure/independence etc.

I know not all these things happen to everyone but the thought of all of these things really frighten me.

I'm at the stage, 32, where I really need to get on with the baby thing but I'm really searching for my longing for a baby but I can't find it.

I've posted about this before but I really give myself a hard time about what's wrong with me for not longing for a baby. Why don't I long for a baby?

Do people think the fact that dh and I have been married for 10 years and are just content with being 2 is the problem?

I don't want to be alone when I'm old, but I don't yearn to have a baby, but then I feel like there must be something wrong with me.

Sorry to be so self indulgent!

Well, no, that's completely batty!

"I was like you but then I had a child and it was great"

there's also quite a lot of "I had children and youre right, prgnancy and birth and babies can suck!"

and re husband, you could be together for years, HAVE children, and he could leave you 2 weeks after you give birth, that happens too.. just saying!

I agree, it isn't offensive at all.

It's ridiculous!

Congratulations HipHop, you just joined the "lets heap pressure on women without kids to have them" gang.

That was what is known as emotional blackmail and close to coercion, not to mention suggestive that men are only interested in women as breeding partners and vessels for their offspring.

It does a disservice to men who are happy and love and value the relationship they have without children, and instead paints them as bastards.

It does a disserve to kids who are brought into this world because women think they need them to maintain their relationship rather than because they are geniunely wanted.

It is in no way playing devils advocate. Its about using it as a tool to manipulate someone. Uncalled for and as others have said, very below the belt.

You may feel that you shouldnt consider it, but others may do.

I said it should be considered in the decision making process, as in "Will this affect my decision?" I didnt say that it should affect anyones decision but that it will often be considered.

Oh, and just to add. The most successful relationships I know are the ones where there are no children involved, my sister has always had a far better marriage than me!

So I dont think that suggesting that someone considers all the possibililities before making a decisions is offensive or putting pressure on, just sensible. After all, you wouldnt move house without considering all the "what ifs" would you? No, you weigh them up, and consider the risks before you decide whether to move.

Why should having children be any different? Infact MORE thought should go into every last "What if" of having kids, not less! Are you saying that you didnt consider whether you could cope as a single parent before you had children? I did. Not because I was planning it, but because I needed to be sure I could cope should it happen.

There is nothing wrong with not having children. Plenty of people live fulfilling and satisfying lives without ever having them. I do understand your worry though, as I felt exactly the same around your age (I'm 37 now). DH and I were perfectly happy being childless and didn't think we'd ever have children. Then I got pregnant accidentally, just before my 34th birthday. It was a bit scary, as I had never been remotely maternal, and never found babies remotely endearing. So me (and DH!) were worried about how I'd take to being a mother. As soon as DD was born, though, I changed almost overnight into the sort of woman I had always found a bit scary: completely obsessed with my baby, devouring every bit of information relating to parenting that I could lay my hands on, not wanting to spend any time away from her whatsoever. We now have two children, and if DH wanted another one (he doesn't!) I would have more at the drop of a hat.

That's not to say that something similar would happen to you if you had a baby - but the point I want to make is that you could find that you absolutely love being a mother without having ever experienced a longing to become one. Having absolutely no ticking biological clock doesn't mean that motherhood is not for you (it might mean that, but not necessarily).

As for your age, people here may have already mentioned (I haven't read the whole thread) that 32 is still quite young, fertility-wise. There are a lot of threads on MN about becoming pregnant 40+. I was 36 when I was pregnant with DS, and I moaned to my midwife at my first appointment, 'I suppose I'm going to be classed as an elderly mother!' She said that wasn't the case at all, and that I was fairly average with regard to my age. She told me that, in her experience, pregnant ladies in their twenties are in the minority: she sees quite a lot of teen mums, only a few in their twenties, loads in their thirties, and an increasing number in their forties. I assume it's because most couples need two salaries to survive nowadays, so an increasing number of women wait until they've achieved some sort of financial security before planning a family - which doesn't usually happen in their twenties. So, to sum up: don't think you're even nearly past it at 32!

Does your DH know how you feel? Maybe talking it over with him might clarify your feelings about all this. Me and DH never discussed it in any depth, which was a bit stupid of us :)

Good post hmm

What you're saying, monstertufts, is that your baby changed you completely. It's quite a big risk to take. I think the main point is that you might not want to change, and there's nowt wrong with that. Then, if you end up having one anyway, you have to hope s/he will change you!

Tbh, not all parents are blissfully happy or even competent. Presumably that thing didn't happen for them :(

How about "If DP did change his mind about wanting children, would it make a difference to how I feel about wanting children?".

It's difficult enough to know ones own mind completely, let alone someone else's, but I think it's a question that needs to be considered.

I've seen LOTS of 30 something men declare they defiantly don't want to have children. And then they change their mind.

I'm not saying this should be a reason for anyone to have children when they don't want them, but surely what IS worth exploring is how you would feel if your P did change his mind. Is it not worth exploring how influenced your feelings may or may not be by your partners?

hmmm I can assure you I have no interest at all in manipulating anyone to have children

garlicbutty - I completely agree, which is why I wrote 'That's not to say that something similar would happen to you' at the start of my second paragraph. My point was that you don't have experience a longing for children in order to find that you enjoy being a parent. You are right that it's a big risk to take (I almost wrote exactly that before deciding I'd rambled on for long enough already!). And of course it is absolutely fine never to want children. Anyone who thinks there is something wrong with being voluntarily childless, or that it's impossible to be fulfilled without having them, is a short-sighted moron, to be perfectly honest.

(Ahem, also, I am very far from being 'blissfully happy', unfortunately ... but I am very, very glad that I'm a mother!)

How about "If DP did change his mind about wanting children, would it make a difference to how I feel about wanting children?"

You could, I suppose, ponder it, as a mental exercise, but as a decision-making tool it looks fairly useless.

Since you cannot know for sure what your husband will want five, ten, fifteen years down the line, you can't really prepare yourself for it, can you? You can't even really know what you will want five, ten, fifteen years down the line. Anybody can change their mind every day about everything. Then again, they might not. It's a bit like packing an umbrella today because on 27 March 2034 it might rain.

You're not in the least unusual, as you can see here. Bottom line is you should do what you want, but do make sure DH is on board while also recognising that either of you could change your mind.

I don't think hiphop is going out on such a limb - women are encouraged to leave partners all the time because the woman wants children and the man doesn't. It does go both ways.

You're actually more likely to be able to afford a comfortable retirement if you haven't got DC.
(garlicbutty)

This is a great point - especially since old age is the only reason the OP has given for wanting kids in the first place.

Okay it doesn't address the loneliness issue, but neither do DC. There's no guarantee they will be good support in your old age.

There's no guarantee they will be good support in your old age

YY. There's also no guarantee they'll grow into people you like and get on with either.

I hope the OP comes back.

I felt very ambivalent towards the idea of having children at your age - I was perfectly happy the way we were, and didn't really care one way or the other. My main motivation - quite a weak one, I think ? for ttc was that I didn't want to find myself wondering in later life what it would have been like to have children.

I got pregnant very quickly, but my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage - and THEN the burning desire kicked in! I had DD at 34, and haven't regretted it for a second - she is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to us. I'd have had more, too, but it's looking like she'll be an only child, as I've had fertility problems and another miscarriage since she came along, and I'm now nearly 41.

What I'm trying to say is that if you've got the tiniest grain of a desire to possibly have a child, I think it's worth doing.

LittleBoxes
"What I'm trying to say is that if you've got the tiniest grain of a desire to possibly have a child, I think it's worth doing."

The flip side to that is that some women can and do regret having DC. It's not often talked about being considered taboo subject- and TBH it's not something I personally understand - but there are posters on here who do say this.

I have 4 Dcs, 22,21,13 and 10 who I love them to bits.

But if u never want to feel your heart being ripped out and trod on, total and utter fear but now and again moments of pure and utter joy then don't have children.

HipHop.

I'm sure a lot of men in their thirties have kids and then fuck off because they decide they made the wrong decision too.

Its a completely irrelevant thing to consider in the process of this decision and shouldn't come into it at all.

That was about 'norms' and using an argument to put pressure to back it up.

I do think it is important to point out, it has nothing to do with playing devils advocate.

Either your partner supports and respects the decision and wants to marry you for you and you alone and sticks by it or he doesn't. You could just as easily find you are incapable of having kids - where would that leave you? Really its something to talk about before getting married IMO, but if you've already made that commitment to each other, that needs to come first. If having children is not right for you, then having them for someone else's benefit isn't really going to change that. You shouldn't make the decision to have kids to keep a relationship, because if you do, theres something fundamentally flawed in your relationship in the first place.

Basically hes either going to be a twat or hes not a twat. If he doesn't respect you and how you feel about carrying a child and bringing one up then he doesn't have enough respect for you full stop. Its really got nothing to do with kids ultimately.

I'm really thankful to everyone who has taken the time to post on my thread. I am going to read through all the posts again and study them in detail as its good to get different points of view.

It is interesting to read that the maternal urge is a little mythical!!

Interesting also to read that my teaching job could be a bit factor, I'm home today after a hellish week and I really don't know how I could look after a child tonight.

It's a gamble, what if I do, what if I don't?

Pinkflipflop, isn't every decision in life like that? Life wouldn't be interesting if you knew the outcome of every decision you made. The trick is to plan for the worst and hope for the best!

I used to be a teacher Pink and IMO teaching and looking after my own child are worlds apart. You care for the children you teach, but essentially it's a job, with restrictions and requirements. You are stretched between all the children and it's exhausting. When you have your own baby you're there right from the moment they're born, they're your little son or daughter. It's an entirely different thing.

I have a friend who has always said that childbirth freaks her out and she won't be having kids. I didn't take her seriously at the time but she still says the same thing 10 years on. I think it's amazing she had so much foresight to know her own mind when she was 18. I still havnt worked it out.

Oh God! This really is such an agonizing decision. I wouldn't say that this thread is giving me second thoughts exactly but I feel those old hormonal stirrings again. Bad Mumsnetters!

I swing between having hormonal moments when I think how gorgeous DP would be with our baby, and how it could bring us even closer together etc (we have a great relationship already) , and times when I am so profoundly glad with all my heart that I don't have children. Like now - I'm lying on the couch with a Cosmopolitan in hand, dinner in the oven, a weekend of lovely grown-up stuff ahead of me, including a heck of a lot of sleeping. Why ON EARTH would I even consider trading this? If I need a 'kid fix', I will be back at work quick enough on Monday!

Vince, at 28 I would say wait and see what she says in another ten years, at 18 I didnt want children at all and actually wanted to be sterilised. I now, at 38, have 6!