AIBU and very unwomanly to be freaked out by pregnancy and birth and to not really want or yearn for a baby?

[Pinkflipflop]

Sort of wished I had never discovered mumsnet! There is so much about pregnancy and birth I didn't know about, bleeding, leaking boobs, horrors of childbirth, effects on body, pnd, loss of figure/independence etc.

I know not all these things happen to everyone but the thought of all of these things really frighten me.

I'm at the stage, 32, where I really need to get on with the baby thing but I'm really searching for my longing for a baby but I can't find it.

I've posted about this before but I really give myself a hard time about what's wrong with me for not longing for a baby. Why don't I long for a baby?

Do people think the fact that dh and I have been married for 10 years and are just content with being 2 is the problem?

I don't want to be alone when I'm old, but I don't yearn to have a baby, but then I feel like there must be something wrong with me.

Sorry to be so self indulgent!

Hiphop-not a very helpfull or constructive thing to say as dps do this anyway whether childless or not!

So....it was a useful post becuase now the OP has the added worry that her DH could potentially leave her if he changes his mind, and she's screwed as she's on a time limit?

I'm still failing to see the relevance.

There is really nothing more to explain. The OP clearly feels that BOTH her and her DP are running out of time to have biological children, when in fact only she is.

Why would he leave? My DH wanted children for years but didn't leave me when I didn't- he loves me.

Hiphop

Hiphop- this is about the op & dp as a partnership not about his ability to reproduce forever

Well, hiphop I really feel that your posting this was unneccessary and nasty imo.

Very nasty indeed

pumpkin I read it as the OP is struggling with making a decision as to whether she wants to have children or not, something she is being forced to think about due to her & her partners age. She has focused very much on HER own thoughts about this, and hasn't mentioned how her DP feels about it apart from saying they are content and he would make an excellent father. I certainly read her struggle with this as being about her, not about them as a partnership.

Sorry if you think I'm being nasty, I'm not. But it does seem my post has touched some possibly raw nerves.

There are an increasing number of women who chose not to have DC and live very happy fulfilled lives though they may experience irritation at everyone saying they'll regret their choice later with no evidence for this.

There is a different group who do want DC but whose DP say they don't so they agree not to. Then they split and it turns out the partner did want DC but either not with them or not at that time and goes on to have DC with next woman.

Then they are women who suddenly want to have DC very late on possible due to change in circumstances or new partners or suddenly feeling that way.

If you don't want to have DC now - then there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and this is completely valid way to feel.

As I understand fertility usually starts to decline at 35 - halving every 6 month. This is an average and is very dependent on genetics - so look at family and lifestyle.

At 32 - you should have a few years left to consider what you want.

While men are fertile till they die their fertility also drops from 35 years onwards as well I believe with similar factors coming into play.

But it does seem my post has touched some possibly raw nerves.

I appreciate you didn't mean it the way I took it.

It really did touch a raw nerve. As a woman in the same position as the OP, to me it reads as yet another pressure to have children.

It does come across as a threat - that my DH might leave me if he changes his mind. Now I have to factor that in. Despite the fact my DH is happy with the decision not to have kids now, in the back of my mind, I'll know that he might just skip off into the yonder with a younger fertile model.

IYSWIM?

No raw nerves here HipHop - completely irrelevent to my situation. And not happened to me before!

I think I just can't read it in any other context. It does seem to imply that it is another thing to consider, designed to put the OP on the back foot in considering her position. For me your subsequent postings do not negate that. But whatever your intention you're free to say whatever - it's MN though so you may well get piled on.
Also op knows her DPs thoughts as far as he's told her - there is no reason to assume he isn't meaning what he says, but what she is talking about her is her so of course she would be talking about her feelings - mentioning DPs position just gives us clarity as to the mutually agreed element. If this was an anxiety based on a greater uneasiness about the relationship then fine I'm sure op would have felt posting her relationship details to be scrutinised would be pertinent. But she has not said it is so I assume it is not. TBH regardless of her DPs feelings they should not be reason to quash uneasiness or 'incompatible' feelings - I think advice for herself to consider her own feelings about this would be lacking and muddied if that were the case. Once you are sure of where you stand you can then go and talk to your partner and discuss and reach a compromise - if you are confused or hesitant then you are ripe to get talked into things, this shouldn't be one of those things. You should never have a baby forced upon you because of 'shoulds'.

You sound really similar to me. Me and DH are 30 and 40. I always assumed I would want children at some point (although I have never been remotely maternal, or especially keen on children). In fact it was a huge problem when we first met as DH was adamant he never wanted children. He changed his mind and we're not both at the same point. We've been together 7 years and we're still waiting for the 'right, let's have children' moment. We both keep thinking that it might be a nice idea in a year or so. Even worse, we recently got two cats which seem to be fulfilling all our needs to nurture anything. If the cats would look after us when we're old and ill, I'm not sure we'd ever have children. (Yes I know this is a bad reason to have kids, they may move to Australia etc). The only other reason is fear of missing out, and fear of only realising I've made a huge mistake once it's too late. I struggle with it internally too, and I'm not sure I've reached a point myself where I can give any helpful insight!

HipHop
but to say time is running out for him to have kids isn't really the case is it?

Time IS running out for men as well, albeit possibly not as fast as for women.

Paternal age has been linked to disabilities like autism.

A father might want to live long enough to see his children grow up. Having them in their fifties may be physically possible, but realistically few people would find it ideal to be seventy when their children leave the house.

As for the comment re: leaving the wife for a younger woman, that can happen whether the couple have children or not, so it's a completely irrelevant point.

I think teaching or working in a nursery then going home to your own children must be absolutely exhausting.

Possibly not so bad if you teach at Y5/6 or secondary, but small DC get into your brain.

I couldn't imagine anything worse than spending your working day ensuring a young class learn something, don't fight, don't hurt themselves, eat their dinner, go to the toilet, wear their coats and then go home and do it all again.

The amount of thinking small DCs need you to do for them is just so tiring.

that my DH might leave me if he changes his mind. Now I have to factor that in. Despite the fact my DH is happy with the decision not to have kids now, in the back of my mind, I'll know that he might just skip off into the yonder with a younger fertile model.

Or you can have three children together and he (or you) could then decide to leave.

Relationships break down with or without children.

Yes I do whine

Or you can have three children together and he (or you) could then decide to leave. Relationships break down with or without children

Exactly! It's a very complex decision! You've got to discuss the "what happens if one of us changes their mind" too. That's as well more likely to be the woman I imagine (in terms of hormones).

So hiphop you can see why it's quite offensive to say that?

I think the bottom line here op, would be to have a long hard think.
You still have a few years left yet and in that time you and your dp can work out what you both want.
Hopefully you will both want the same things whether that be to have a baby or to not have one- he might actually like the freedom having no kids gives him.

Offensive? No.

I dont think that what Hiphop said was offensive at all.

It was simply a fact. And unfortunate and possibly unpalatable fact, but a fact none the less.

A man can leave a woman who is too old to have children for a younger model to procreate with. As to whether that should affect a womans decision about having children, that is down to the individual.

But I just dont see Hiphop pointing that out as something to be considered within the decision making process, as offensive.

Are you still here, flipflop? I wanted and expected to have children, but never did crave them as some women do. It didn't happen - a combination of fertility problems and relationship problems. I had friends who went through IVF and determined I would never do it. It's an ordeal; only worth it if you want kids that desperately. H2 and I planned to adopt, but the marriage went down the pan very quickly.

How do I feel? Okay. I don't have the slightest sense of 'incompleteness' or of being unfulfilled, any of that. I am sorry that I don't share the most defining aspect of most other people's lives. I'm involved with their DC (all adults now) and 'get' the major issues of parenting, but feel like an outsider in subtle ways. I'm sad that I'll never feel unconditional love. But none of this is painful.

My life has been more adventurous, richly-textured in different ways, and massively more self-determining than my parent friends' lives. It's good to have more money, more time and more freedom. It's nice to be able to do things spontaneously. No-one at all, except my arse of a father, has criticised my childlessness. It's a pretty normal choice these days - although it chose me, the benefits are obvious to everyone whether they have children or not.

I have friends who are childfree by choice, including couples. They made active choices to focus, instead, on travel and/or their careers. They are happy.

Children aren't insurance against old age, btw! You're actually more likely to be able to afford a comfortable retirement if you haven't got DC.

HTH :)

something to be considered within the decision making process

It isn't though.

Thinking "Best have kids in case DH changes his mind and leaves" shouldn't factor in as a decision at all.