AIBU and very unwomanly to be freaked out by pregnancy and birth and to not really want or yearn for a baby?

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Sort of wished I had never discovered mumsnet! There is so much about pregnancy and birth I didn't know about, bleeding, leaking boobs, horrors of childbirth, effects on body, pnd, loss of figure/independence etc.

I know not all these things happen to everyone but the thought of all of these things really frighten me.

I'm at the stage, 32, where I really need to get on with the baby thing but I'm really searching for my longing for a baby but I can't find it.

I've posted about this before but I really give myself a hard time about what's wrong with me for not longing for a baby. Why don't I long for a baby?

Do people think the fact that dh and I have been married for 10 years and are just content with being 2 is the problem?

I don't want to be alone when I'm old, but I don't yearn to have a baby, but then I feel like there must be something wrong with me.

Sorry to be so self indulgent!

aribura go easy - the OP was just expressing her own feelings & concerns, not judging the rest of us. No wonder people don't feel able to talk about not wanting children.

I don't get it either. Having children in the 21st century is a lifestyle choice for most women. I don't think anyone should be judged for not wanting them.

AnyoneforTurps. Bang on the money. The way the OP worded stuff, wasn't about judging others but about how she is feeling from the pressures from society and how SHE might be being judged.

Tiny babies always frightened me. With my own I amazed myself by being fairly confident with him, yet even now I dont want to hold anyone's newborn-they still scare me!
I really think that if you just know in your heat you don't want any of it, then really don't do it.
However, if your reasons for maybe not wanting children are fear of pregnancy/birth/ curtailed freedom, then examine your feelings carefully, based on the actual realities, rather than any knee jerk predjudices you may have now.
Also, you are still young enought to put the whole idea on hold for a couple of years, and just stop worrying about it.

heart, not heat!

OP is there anything at all, other than not wanting to be alone in your old age, that makes you want kids?

You haven't mentioned social pressure even - based on what you have said on this thread, it seems to be so much all 'cons' and no 'pros' of children, that I'm not so much surprised that you don't want any, but surprised that you're having a dilemma about it. :)

But at the same time, you don't sound like you've made your decision and are just trying to make peace with it, you sound like you're still on the fence.

Any other pro-children thoughts going on? Or is the old age safety situation just a really strong feeling?

OP, you are seeing this from what I think of as the seething cauldron of fertility which is a cohort of women all with children except you. Even worse, you have what sounds like astonishingly nosey and rude colleagues. At your age, you are at the peak stage for those round you to be having babies and it's natural that you should be wondering. Try and step back for a moment and consider the long view.

Please, please do try to find some more friends who are also childfree. Although I have some good friends who are parents I'd say the majority of my close friends are also childfree - it's really helpful and supportive to have people in your life who "get" your choices and don't keep questioning/lecturing etc and just get on with stuff. Looking at my childless friends there's a huge range of ages, both sexes, singles, widow, couples, all with a wonderful array of lifestyles, hobbies and interests. In no particular order I can think of a dowser, a business woman, a school governor, a doctor, a Morris dancer, a landfill worker, research chemist, football coach, teacher, a professional jouster (medieval with armour and horses) and a farmer. I mention all these because a childfree life can be rich, meaningful and what you want to make it - not constrained by other's choices. This makes it scarey for some people. It also can include children, in lots of different ways, even if they are not your own. You are a teacher, and I know plenty of my friends are involved in childrens' lives both professionally and via their hobbies, as well as in their families.

By altering the balance in your life, you will find that you are NOT the exception or the oddity - but as other posters have said, approximately 1 in 4 women by 40 odd don't have children (for a wide variety of reasons). That is a substantial proportion. By the late 40s (where I am now) many of the same women who are cooing over toddlers will be exasperated mothers of teenagers, or relieved empty nesters. Parenting can be all consuming for those with very young children but for those with older children or adult children it is still important but doesn't have such a dominant role in the person's life.

As for old age, take a look at the many families where family members are scattered to the four winds. My brother lives 300 miles away!

Havnt read the while thread but find it that you only figured out that you bleed, your figure changes and you loose independence after being on mumsnet.

I also find it odd that your on mumsnet tbh.

However I don't think you are selfish at all! I think you are enjoying the life you have at the moment which is fantastic!

If you and your dh are happy then who cares what anyone else thinks :)

OP, I understand where you are coming from, to an extent. DP and tried for several years to get pregnant, had four MCs, then had two years of completely failing to get pregnant, at all. Have seen Doctors etc, no specific reason. Now, we are getting used to being 'just us' and starting to think we'll be quite happy this way.

I feel so confused sometimes though, especially when people start quizzing us as to our reproductive intentions. DP's family ask when we are planning babies every time we see them. In fact, the last time we visited DP's sister and her DH, they had their crib just sitting under the stairs (which I thought strange, as their youngest DC is almost 8), and then quizzed us as to whether we wanted the crib, or would be needing it any time soon. We have been asked if we are planning babies by friends at the most random of times: during dinner, lunch, in Tesco's carpark, and in the middle of a shopping centre.

If you do not want children, then that really is okay. To not want to be lonely when older is probably one of the worst reasons to have children. Most of my mates live thousands of miles away from their parents, see them maybe once a year at best. My Mum lives about 30 seconds away from hers, and looks after them, but finds it very difficult and gets increasingly annoyed with her Mum. Her brothers all live 10 mins from their parents at most, but they don't bother with my grandparents, at all.

It is a mind boggling thing to even consider, I think - we are surrounded by friends having babies, we feel we should be wanting or trying to have babies. Personally, I have come to both like the freedom of not having children, and to hate the non-stop rollercoaster of pain and disappointment that was TTC (for us)

Oh, also, before anyone asks - I'm on MN because I came here for support after each of my MCs, and liked it, so stuck around. Yikes. That is the most honest I have ever been on this subject. Hope it helps a wee bit, OP.

I could have written your post 11 years ago.I had no real yearning for a baby apart from once at a wedding when I was really drunk and some children made me feel broody !
Anyway I did not dislike the idea of children but actively feared pregnancy and childbirth. Anyway I was not trying to get pregnant but I did fall pregnant at 32. I remember bursting into tears when the midwife called round to see me for the first time because I was so scared about child birth.
Anyway I had DS by elected CS section and fell in love with him straight away.
It took me completely by surprise and everything made sense after that. What I am trying to say is you might not realise how much you actually want a baby till you have one.

OP you have no reason to feel 'abnormal' or any other guff and you also do not need to justify yourself to others. If you and DP do not want children then that is that. When the rudeness starts you can comfortingly clench your perfect pelvic floor (I do appreciate my fanjo & it's in pretty spectacular shape but I'm not going to lie - kids did cause a few changes).

OTOH - from experience I would say don't castigate yourself for feeling like you do but do ensure you have really thought it through sensibly and discussed it as such with DH. Time is not running out empty hourglass style so it is not something that needs to be rushed or pressurised. But from what you have said (and I don't know if it is a way of adding to or explaining a feeling that is impossible to articulate) your information seems a bit skewed and inadequate to base this on. Then you will be able to think on that when other people's intrusion knocks you a bit. If you are sure within yourself and the rest is just window dressing then fine - no kids no problem! My aunt did not have children, is now 52 and bitterly, bitterly regrets it. She feels she didn't really think through the implications in full possesion of the facts. I know how devastating it is for her and I don't want anyone to feel that way. Equally I know many, many child free people that are totally happy (why wouldn't they be?). There is no truth to it that everyone will be miserable once their fertility no longer allows children and they didn't have them. It is not an invetitable destination. It's not the sort of thing that is benefitted by erring on the side of caution.

I'm a breeder and am (seemingly oddly!) as happy as sin but we were absolutely sure, I had a need and we nearly couldn't have children which crystalised things for me rather. I have a kind of amicable indifference to other people's kids but love everything about having mine. That said I 100% think that if I wasn't so happy about my DCs my life would be miserable. It may well be for many other people. We all have different priorities. I would positively lamp anyone that reversed the 'when will you have kids' argument - you've got too many, or I suppose the real opposite would be god when are you getting rid of that one. I would brook none of that from others and nor should you feel obliged to pander to their apparent lack of manners.

I also find it odd that your on mumsnet tbh

I get really irritable when I see people who say that ^ on here to anyone who has no children. I would probably question why a childless teenager would spend time on here, but as it it probably the biggest and busiest chat forum for women in this country, why shouldnt a woman who has no children post here. The topics are not all related to children.

I dont have children. I have grown up stepchildren. It does not make my opinions on the majority of topic any less valid.

I get terribly irritated when people think it is odd that you are on MN- it is open to everyone of any age. It seems a sensible place to go if you are exploring the possibility and it is also possible to discuss many topics that have nothing to do with children.
I would say that there is no need, they will change your life forever, they don't miraculously stop needing a mother at 18 yrs and they may not be around for your old age anyway, having emigrated to New Zealand.
There is nothing wrong with you and you have about another 10 years to think about it anyway.

Goodness, you're only 32. Don't waste your early thirties feeling bad about being happy!

Why don't you give yourself a year off worrying about this? Just say, right on 11 May 2013 I'll have another think about whether I want to start trying for a baby. Until then I'm going to enjoy myself.

I have a close friend in your position. Her colleagues (esp male ones) do put her under a lot of pressure. I think they're a bit envious tbh.

As for getting your body back - if it's important to you, you do. It's as simple as that. Not by day 4 (thinking of your colleague) - the uterus expands in pregnancy to 1000x its size and obviously it takes a few weeks for it to shrink back. But it does.

1 in 5 women won't have a child. My sister is 49 and hasn't had kids.

Really it's no big deal as having a child isn't obligatory anyway.

But I have to say that the reasons you give for not wanting one - the physical discomforts etc.. I feel the same way reading that as I would reading that someone has decided not to go on a round the world trip because they don't like insects, foreign food or having to poo on unfamiliar toilets. It just makes me roll my eyes a bit and think 'fuss pot', 'spoiled' and 'wimp'.

The physical sacrifice IMO is as nothing to the REAL price you pay for having children, which is a lifetime of work and worry.

I agree with you, squeaky. In fact, not only are most of the discussions not about children - you couldn't let children within 20ft of the screen while you're reading them I don't think I've contributed to an actual parenting thread since 2004

What brings us together here on mumsnet is not our children. Not any more.

OP I feel more or less the same.

I shudder to think of the loss of personal space, time and identity that seems inevitable in the early years. Also, somebody mentioned autism and other disabilities, which, in a way, means the early years (i.e. total dependency and non-stop care) virtually never end.

Stepping up to the plate is one thing, I don't doubt I could and would do it. But enjoying it is another matter.

I guess if I knew with absolute certainty that all will be well and I wouldn't regret it for the rest of my life, I'd do it. But the risk is too big.

I'm 35, still waiting for the biological clock/maternal instinct/desire to kick in. If it does, I guess I'd reconsider.

Well, my Biological Urge never kicked in- and the older I get the more grateful I am that I never had my own children. My parents were wonderful loving funny people- but they never really had any time for me or any patience, and I would not want to do that to another child.
Like you- I have always worked with children. I find them endlessly fascinating- but have never been sorry to go home! I always thinkt that through my work I have (hopefully) helped many more children than I ever could by having my own.

pixwix absolutely agree with you on the 'it was hard work until they smiled' line - I was really struggling with what I felt to be the silent look of judgement!!

It was all in my head of course but that didn't make the feeling any less strong...

I must admit I didn't discover Mumsnet until I'd had a baby, but I wish I had done so earlier - there's so much info here on everything else too! My (rather private, supposedly self-sufficient, childless) DSis is having some mental health probs ATM and I have referred her here for non-clinical support :)

My very dearest friends have been married for over 30 years and have never wanted children. They are a wonderful couple and devoted to one another. They have a very comfortable life. She taught Reception for all her working life and loves children. It is your choice be happy.

So don't have one! I really don't see the problem. Not everyone wants kids and if you and your DH don't, then don't have one. There are enough unwanted children on the earth already.

I feel similar to you. I'm 29, have a tough job that I enjoy and I've been with dp for eight years. When I was in my mid 20s I was quite broody for a year or 2. But I didn't have a baby and now I've really lost interest. When I think about having children I just think of everything that I love that I would have to give up. I just put it out of my mind tbh. I have told dp I might not want kids but I'm not sure if he takes me seriously.

Why on earth would you have a child if you don't want one? You wouldn't go out and get a dog if you didn't want one. They're (kids and dogs) are hard work.

Find some childless friends!

I didn't yearn for babies at all. Wasn't one bit clucky. I think it's a perfectly normal way to feel. Having 2 dd's in my forties has been the most wonderful thing imaginable much to my surprise. I even love babies

Ignore all the horror stories - it doesn't mean anything like that will happen to you.

The thing is you do have a time limit. Having kids 10 years earlier than I did would have given me 10 more years living with them which wld be wonderful.

I think how you feel is just fine. But unless you have really strong objections to having children at all, then you do seriously need to think about making decisions about this sooner rather than later.

Just because so many woman long loudly for babies doesn't mean lack of this "longing" = no desire/want/need for children!