AIBU and very unwomanly to be freaked out by pregnancy and birth and to not really want or yearn for a baby?

[Pinkflipflop]

Sort of wished I had never discovered mumsnet! There is so much about pregnancy and birth I didn't know about, bleeding, leaking boobs, horrors of childbirth, effects on body, pnd, loss of figure/independence etc.

I know not all these things happen to everyone but the thought of all of these things really frighten me.

I'm at the stage, 32, where I really need to get on with the baby thing but I'm really searching for my longing for a baby but I can't find it.

I've posted about this before but I really give myself a hard time about what's wrong with me for not longing for a baby. Why don't I long for a baby?

Do people think the fact that dh and I have been married for 10 years and are just content with being 2 is the problem?

I don't want to be alone when I'm old, but I don't yearn to have a baby, but then I feel like there must be something wrong with me.

Sorry to be so self indulgent!

xpost. Why are you sad that you don't want a baby?

Because you feel you ought to want a baby?

I have never, ever felt maternal. When I was told that I was very unlikely to ever get pregnant my world didn't fall apart. I just saw it as an opportunity to do things that I wouldn't have been able to do had I had children. We had two cats that we adored and felt our life was complete. We holidayed abroad, I enjoyed my job, we went away for weekends, we ate out if we didn't feel like cooking and we got a good night's sleep every night.

Out of the blue I got pregnant at 41 and our daughter was born three days after our nineteenth wedding anniversary.

Our lives are different now, not better or worse, just different. To me, having children is one of life's experiences, not the only life experience.

You should never feel under pressure to reproduce. Only have a child if that is what you really want.

Statistically you are odd.

But you are also a pair of sentient beings who have chosen to be married and live your lives together. Choosing to have children is a choice, and it's a valid one.

You will get people who make assumptions about you, but you don't need to thik hard about them if you are happy, do you?

It makes me sad because if I die before my husband then I worry he will be lonely. He would make an excellent father but he feels the same as me about children though but I worry that we will regret it.

It just our ages now, 32 and 37, we are running out of time so it can't be a distant option anymore.

Pinkflipflop, are you me???

I am also 32, work with young children, love working with young children, very happy with my DP and have no desire for a baby of my own. Yes it does feel incredibly isolating at times. It feels like everyone else has been invited to a party that you're not allowed to attend. And I have had some really horrible comments from people along the lines of 'selfish', 'unnatural' and not knowing my own mind. Nice

I feel that by working with children, I get the nice parts of being a parent (the funny saying, cute things they do, occasional cuddle!) without the dull or self-sacrificing parts. It works for me, not that I haven't had the odd wobble, which I put down to hormones.

And I am very womanly and fabulous. I'm sure you are too

But if it makes you sad that you don't want a baby (as opposed to being sad that you don't have a baby), then it's probably about adjusting to being "different". Society does still assume that women will have children and I'm afraid it's only going to get worse for the next few years for you (given your age), as lots of tactless people give you the Bridget Jones tick-tock speech. It isn't always easy being the child free woman when everyone else is talking bumps or schools, but I reckon it's a hell of a lot easier than having a child if that's not right for you.

As others have said, there is no need to feel pressured into having children. (Am a fellow teacher with similar feelings towards being a parent.) However, I know how rubbish it can feel when everyone in your life seems to have changed their priorities. Totally reasonably of course, but it does leave you feel......lacking, or in my case almost like I've "failed" as I haven't met a partner and procreated.
Maybe you will change your mind, maybe not. But there are definitely people in your age range who don;t have children, maybe you'd find you had more in common with them?

Pink I admire people that don't want children and don't have them. I know a few women quite well that should NEVER have been mothers because all they do is fob off their poor children so they can indulge themselves.

DO NOT feel guilty about not wanting them.

Yes I guess I feel isolated and sad because I feel under pressure to have a child but I don't actually want one.

I guess I just feel its really unnatural to not want children. I judge myself very harshly adpnd feel under huge pressure to conform but I just can't on this issue.

As I said I'm a teacher and I love my wee class but sometimes they drive me crazy and I couldn't imagine living with any of them.

It's fine if you don't want children. Don't have them if you don't want to, but don't let the whole pregnancy/birth/baby thing be what puts you off.

Don't forget that people come on here to discuss problems. Its not a random sample iyswim.

And its a very small part of having kids. I used to be really squeamish, but post ds, am much less so. I also didn't really enjoy the tiny baby bit, but like the toddler and beyond bit (so far).

I think you are maybe overthinking a little. Ds was unplanned, and so I just had to try not the think about the things that terrified me and get on with it.
I am so grateful that I had him, and would love more.

Make sure if you decide to not have babies, that you make that decision for the right reasons.

'It isn't always easy being the child free woman when everyone else is talking bumps or schools, but I reckon it's a hell of a lot easier than having a child if that's not right for you'

Yes yes yes to this!

Pinkflipflop, you might find this website interesting/useful

gateway women

It wouldn't be any child's responsibility to keep your husband company after your death anyway.

Maybe they'd live on the other side of the world.

Maybe they'd be very busy with their own family

Perhaps they wouldn't get on with him.

Maybe they wouldn't want to give over their life to make sure he was never lonely.

You just can't know.

Having a child so that they can keep your husband company if you die is a bonkers reason to have children he can join a club or something!

And you're only in your 30s. Death is, hopefully, a good 50 years away.

You can't have a child that you don't want right here right now, just in case it may turn out in the future that you want them. It's not fair to them. If you get to 60 and you think, well, I sort of wish I had - that's just going to be something you'll have to deal with if and when that happens.

You say you don't want a baby which is fine obviously.

Would you like an older child though?

Or a grown-up one?

They aren't babies forever!

However I would say that if you and DH are content then why have children? There's nothing wrong with not having children, no matter what others say. The pressure is immense though, I understand that.

I think too many people, have children that shouldn't because of all sorts of societal or other pressures

Don't feel sad - embrace your decision

There must be forums for people who are child free by choice?

I think that if you & your dh are in agreement, there's nothing wrong with choosing not to have children. However, from my own personal perspective, I never looked adoringly at other people's children & yearned after one, but somehow knew I wanted to have children of my own one day. I adore dd more than I ever thought possible, & am now expecting dc2. I have probably been lucky, but I never experienced any 'horrors' of pregnancy & childbirth, & got my figure back relatively quickly with no effort (sorry, but it's true), so I really haven't had to throw all my clothes out! As for loss for independence, I think what changes is being able to be spontaneous, but I can assure you dh & I still go out for dinner etc, both separately & with others, it just takes a bit of planning. And as others have said, babies really are quite boring a lot of the time, they get more interesting as they get older!

But ultimately this is all irrelevant if you are happy with your decision, but be sure to make it in possession of accurate information.

There are 30 women in my all female staff room and there's a constant stream on comments like Pink-wait til you have children etc, I sort of cringe and feel if only you knew!

At 32 you are not running out of time.

I know alot of women who felt exactly like you at around the same age, but hit their mid 30's and suddenly the biological clock was SCREAMING at them! One I know who had always slagged off "breeders" said she wouldnt ever change her perfect life for a snotty whiny kid etc, had 3 in 3 years and 4 by the time she was 40!

If you never want them and never have them, then fine. I have 6 my sister has none and probably wont ever have any and we are in our late 30's. But you may well find that your feelings change, dont assume anything you feel now is forever :)

PFF, I honestly think your job is a factor here. I could be wrong, but I find that being with children all day long, I kind of get my "child fix." I see their happiness, their sadness, their "eureka" moments, I see how their little brains perceive things... I honestly think I know a massive amount about children despite not having any of my own.

But I wouldn't want to go home to another child. People tell me I would feel different if it were my own, etc, and maybe I would. But I genuinely think that working closely with kids every day has stopped me feeling that desperate craving for one of my own.

I felt like that at your age. And at 33 & 34. I never beat myself up about it or felt sad or guilty. Children just weren't something I wanted at all and I never spared the matter another thought. It was only last (aged 35) year that the biological clock (that I was so sure was a myth) kicked in.

DC1 is due next month.

I think there's a difference between wanting a baby and wanting to have children.

I admitted to a male friend the other day that the bit I'm really looking forward to is when I can have conversations with my son and enjoy his company on an intellectual level (or at least an amusing one). My friend commented that my attitude is quite a masculine one!

Maybe it is. Anyway for me the whole pregnancy/baby/toddler part is an obligatory preamble to that (DS1 is only 11mo, so still in that stage). That's not to say I'm not enjoying it parts of it anyway but there are stages I'm looking forward to much more.

How do you feel about looking after a child of an age that you can actually talk to, rather than baby stage pinkflipflop?

I don't think you're being insensitive, in fact I admire your honesty.

I've got three DCs, the youngest is two weeks old tmrw, none of them were planned but all of them very much wanted

If it's not broke, then don't fix it. There is no rule which says you MUST procreate, but equally try to keep an open mind, you never know your biological clock may start ticking loudly in your ear one day soon, and it might not xx

Have you considered adopting? Does the idea of having older children sound any more appealing than the idea of having babies?

Other than not wanting to be alone when you're old, what other motivations for kids do you have?

If you want a larger family and are just put off by the ickiness of pregnancy / childbirth etc, I would say go for it (not that I know yet, but people seem to think it's worthwhile, lol).

If you don't really want a larger family and it's just that you feel you should, then definitely don't go for it. Imagine being a child whose parents didn't really want you :(

That's interesting about older children; if I could have a child agred 4 or older when they aren't so needy and scary I tank I might feel differently. I don't like the uncertainty of pregnancy. Other factors are that I see so many parents struggling with autism, ADHD, behavioural issues and I am scared of the intensity that would bring to my relatively easy life. All thins is in addition to the other fears I listed earlier.

I'm a bit of a lost cause I think

Maybe you should tell your staffroom en masse that you don't really want kids?

Either you will change your mind and they will delight in reminding you of your words as you sit there sheepishly, or you remain true to your word and become a fascinating topic of conversation forever.

Either way it's a crowd-pleaser!

I know my posts sound flippant but I do realise that it must be hard to feel like you're the odd one out. I'm willing to bet that a lot of the women in your staffroom walk the walk but would privately admit they weren't sure about it at all beforehand if they knew of your feelings. They may even envy your guts in being honest, you never know.

When people thrust a new baby into my arms to hold it makes me feel stressed. I actually get a nerve rash and my body goes tense.

Not painting a great picture here. I do like older children though.