AIBU and very unwomanly to be freaked out by pregnancy and birth and to not really want or yearn for a baby?

[Pinkflipflop]

Sort of wished I had never discovered mumsnet! There is so much about pregnancy and birth I didn't know about, bleeding, leaking boobs, horrors of childbirth, effects on body, pnd, loss of figure/independence etc.

I know not all these things happen to everyone but the thought of all of these things really frighten me.

I'm at the stage, 32, where I really need to get on with the baby thing but I'm really searching for my longing for a baby but I can't find it.

I've posted about this before but I really give myself a hard time about what's wrong with me for not longing for a baby. Why don't I long for a baby?

Do people think the fact that dh and I have been married for 10 years and are just content with being 2 is the problem?

I don't want to be alone when I'm old, but I don't yearn to have a baby, but then I feel like there must be something wrong with me.

Sorry to be so self indulgent!

Ignore all the horror stories - it doesn't mean anything like that will happen to you.

I really wish I could think like that, but I seem to have a fundamental inability to adopt that approach.

Bad stuff does happen, however unlikely it may seem, to some people, and to those people it's for the rest of their lives. If you take the wrong job you can resign, if you marry the wrong guy you can divorce, if you move in to the wrong house you can move out...bad decisions can be undone, except the one decision to have a kid. That one, you'll have to live with forever.

It's overwhelming unless you have a considerable amount of desire on the other side.

I don't think you are especially unusual to feel like that at 32, but sometimes I think 'the urge' just hits women out of the blue around 38-39, when they have precious little time left, and then it suddenly becomes a massive matter of urgency and angst and heartache.

I think some women know from very early on that they never want children and for others it's a slow realisation process, as they have grown up always assuming they would because it's a sort of societal expectation.

Just a quick chip in! I am 28, married, don't want children and can't imagine that changing tbh.

I am childless and on mumsnet regularly

The only reason you should "get on with the baby thing" is if you actually want to have a baby.

And not just want to have a baby, but want to subsequently have a toddler, and a small child, and a larger child, and a teenager.

If you don't want those things then there's no reason at all to "get on with the baby thing".

Having children is a gamble. You might feel maternal and broody beforehand and then hate the reality, or you might dread it and then love the reality. You don't have to satisfy any criteria to be ready to be a parent, which in some ways is a scary truth, given the responsibility it involves. What's coming across to me in your posts Pinkflipflop is that the idea of having children has popped up, you've expected to feel certain that you want them and now that you don't feel that you're sad because you think that means you shouldn't have children. The truth is, most people feel uncertain. I always wanted children but when it came to actually taking the leap I was scared shitless. That's ok, that means that you're aware of what you're getting into.

It's ok not to want children, of course it is, but don't talk yourself out of it just because you don't feel some mystical longing. For most people having children involves blind faith that it will work out, and for most people it does work out. It is a huge leap and it is very scary, but IMO it's worth it.

If someone can't understand why a childless person would be on MN I always think they must only be going on very boring threads.

Do remember that Mumsnet is a rather skewed sample, so you will get more of the

I was like you but then I had a child and it was great

than the

I was like you and so I didn't have children and it was great

BTW the pregnancy/newborn stage is yucky and horrible IMO, I hated it. But it's so incredibly short in the scheme of things, I can't believe how quickly it went by. The way I feel about it is that it's just something you have to get through.

I was like you till I hit about 36 then that biological clock I never believed in started ticking! I never wanted children, would never have IVF, was scared of giving birth, hated the idea of screaming sicky babies, couldn't see the attraction in babies etc.

Then I did want one, was desperate to have one, had IVF, loved pregnancy, had a home birth at 40 and loved having my lovely boy. I'd love another but time has probably run out :(

BUT I wouldn't go back and change things and have children earlier because it wasn't right for me then. You have to do what is right for you but be prepared for changing your mind in the future

op, YANBU

I hated pregnancy, birth, early days, its bloody awful

I was never ever broody, can't even imagine it myself

now I have 2 kids, love them to death, gave up a job I loved to bring them up, always put them first, can't help it

don't worry too much about stuff you read, just do your own thing

Good point trills!

Just having another read over responses, and I have to say I am quick shocked by some of the dismissive attitudes about this subject, along the lines of "Just don't have one!"

It is NOT that simple and people who say this have no comprehension of just how hard it is to come to that decision, especially seeing as it's one you have no way to be sure is the right one until you're older iyswim. It's HUGE. It's confusing, upsetting and you get pressure from everywhere. You are made to feel abnormal. It's not nice.

Don't have a child. If you feel societal pressure, say virtuously that it is more environmentally friendly not to have dcs. Over-populated planet etc. I have one dd and think she's fab, but I don't think my life is somehow more meaningful or validated than my child-free friends.

Oops, just followed IAPFW's post. I do have sympathy for the difficulty of the decision, and I don't think anyone is intending to be dismissive. It's more about saying whichever decision you make will be okay, ultimately. There may be a few wobbles and regrets along the way (as in every life) but I've honestly never met anyone who's entire life was ruined by the "wrong" decision.

"It just our ages now, 32 and 37, we are running out of time so it can't be a distant option anymore."

Actually it's YOU who is running out of time. Your DP is not - he can leave you if he changes his mind about children, hook up with a younger woman and have all the kids he has since decided he wants. I'm playing devils advocate here, but actually this kind of thing does happens.

I'm sorry HHO - I don't really understand why you would feel it worth playing Devil's advocate?? It doesn't seem particularly relevant here.

Your post reads as if you're saying 'If you don't have children, he will skip of and find a younger model (someone fertile) to knock up to live out his wish of fatherhood - because he can' - therefore not having children = no DP/DH.

I can list lots of theings that 'do happen' many don't if you aren't married to a git and some do if you pull in longer odds than the lottery. In life people don't base decisions on things like that. If you waited to buy a house until you got your lottery win, you'd be waiting a bloody long time.

In response to IAPFW's post - I certainly wasn't approaching from a place of dismissal but from the tone of the question I don't feel maternal, don't want children, made to feel abnormal, lots of pressure etc most people will be orienting their replies as - definitely not abnormal, don't have them if you don't want to for the sake of conforming, it's ok to just not have one.

Also people expanding on the experience are providing their experience to help add more context and more information for the OP to look at thus negating having to force an complex and typically hard to express issue (which may not be in a state in the OP's head to convey in forum-eze) onto here in a way that may make things more unhelpful in terms of 'oh you do want them then well you must start now'. Op has expressed her feelings of sadness and isolation I think pps are trying to answer that too. OP can elaborate or not as she sees fit.
That's how I have seen this thread anyway. Having had different but equally complex issues that were difficult to translate onto somewhere like here I found it did help to take the above route.

HipHop Not helpful in the slightest really, just comes across as quite nasty.

No I'm saying that it is something that can (and actually does) happen. Just like she could have kids and love it, or she could have kids and hate it. There will come a point where she may regret not having children and it will be too late. If her DP suddenly felt like this he has options that she doesn't.

I'm not saying she should have kids to keep her DP - but to say time is running out for him to have kids isn't really the case is it? Time is running out, perhaps, for her to have kids, or for them to have children together.

I'm not saying he WILL - how could anyone say that? But things are different for men - he certainly could do this if he wanted to. And if he decided in 10 years that not having biological children was a huge mistake, he has options.

HipHop Still not helpful at all.

All it seems like you are saying (despite your disclaimer) is that she should go ahead in case he leaves her for a younger 'fertile' model when he changes his mind.

I do not understand the point of your post.

How is it helpful to the OP to say that her DH could change his mind anytime, it's just her problem?

I don't think it sounds as if HipHop is suggesting that Whine.

Its very clear you don't understand the point of my post Whine

What is hiphop saying then? I am someone that feels the same way as the OP about this issue and it's how it comes across to me.

Explain it then.

There is nothing wrong with not having a child if you really in your heart dont yearn for one.
I have children and i wouldn't be without them infact i would love an even larger family as that is my choice, this is your choice and if this is what you want and you are absolutely sure before your biological clock stop then no-one should pressure you into something you do not want.
Some of us aren't made to be maternal, and theres nothing wrong in that fact.

It's just an expansion on the list of potential outcomes. I don't think it's necessarily very relevant to the thread, but it's not a threat of "have babies or else your DH will leave you"