AIBU and very unwomanly to be freaked out by pregnancy and birth and to not really want or yearn for a baby?

[Pinkflipflop]

Sort of wished I had never discovered mumsnet! There is so much about pregnancy and birth I didn't know about, bleeding, leaking boobs, horrors of childbirth, effects on body, pnd, loss of figure/independence etc.

I know not all these things happen to everyone but the thought of all of these things really frighten me.

I'm at the stage, 32, where I really need to get on with the baby thing but I'm really searching for my longing for a baby but I can't find it.

I've posted about this before but I really give myself a hard time about what's wrong with me for not longing for a baby. Why don't I long for a baby?

Do people think the fact that dh and I have been married for 10 years and are just content with being 2 is the problem?

I don't want to be alone when I'm old, but I don't yearn to have a baby, but then I feel like there must be something wrong with me.

Sorry to be so self indulgent!

Please don't call yourself a lost cause, you have the right to make whatever choice you want :(

a child agred 4 or older when they aren't so needy and scary

They are no less needy at 4, 14 or 24 ime!

Look, at the moment, you dont want children. Is that against the law? No. It is unusual? No, not these days.

You might change your mind, you might not, but what you do need to do is stop worrying about it! You should never have a child you dont want just because you or other people, think you should, so enjoy your life. I have to say I am envious of the things you take for granted, so make the most of it!

I feel the same way NOW! since having DS I say I'ld have loads if I could skip straight to the child bit.

Before DS, I wasn't a baby person, but still thought that pregnancy involved a lot of glowing and contented navel gazing, and having your own baby was bliss on earth. Now both make me shudder a bit

but the baby stage is also shorter than people think, so I'm up for braving it again

One thing I would say is that whenever I tend to my friends' babies, I heave a sigh of relief when I get to hand them back because I'm not used to that responsibility of care.

Whereas with caring for my own son, it's just something I have to do and so I don't really notice it - it's like the obligation to feed the cats, clean the fridge, get the car serviced etc. It's on the essential list and so I just get on with it! I'm sure if I stopped to think about it I'd freak out though :)

Herrena - thats interesting - I loved the boys desperately when they were babies, and to me they were fascinating, and watching them as a toddlers - but sometimes - to be fair - it made my teeth itch.

• but I must admit - Ds1 is now 14 - he is even more fascinating - just seeing him form his own opinions (often very vocally - he sounds like an irritable jezza paxman with braces) and seeing him start to negotiate the wider world and make choices is brilliant! :D And the way he goes 'meh!' and sometimes is actually articulate - pain in the arse at times - but lovely! :o

Ds2 is 9 and is meandering along without too many major changes at the mo - but he is really good fun too! It brings different stressors and challenges.....

Pinkflipfop and herrera you remind me of me!

I was never broody but always assumed I would have children (it's just what you do, isn't it! ) and DH is very, well, broody and maternal really and in the end we have 2.

I have to say that my lack of broodiness before I had a baby did not magically change when I had one.

I also have to say that I am seeing this as a long game, get through the little one years and then everything will improve. DD1 is nearly 5 now and I have been actively enjoying her company since about 4 and getting more every day. She is a real person (I find the full-on dependency stuff very hard) and it feels a bit like falling in love, very slowly

You don't usually get to have an older child without having a baby first - that's the difficulty!

Oh yes - and other peoples babies make me freak out a bit too - my own were fine - some mad instinct must have kicked in - just don't ever pass me your baby to hold!

Well I was like you. Married 5 yrs, had talked about kids one day but never felt a real yearning that I must do it now, it all scared the hell out of me. Fell pregnant unplanned at 33 and so glad I did or might never had children if I had waited for the 'longing'. I think the longing is over rated. Years ago people didn't necessary long for kids when they fell pregnant. It was just the natural way of things when you got together with someone. Now if you feel you really don't want kids then that is different but the way you feel is quite common.

sardinequeen DEFINITELY a long game!!

I have two statements, which are the same thing phrased differently....

To cooing mummies at groups - 'Every day motherhood gets better and better.'

To my friends with their blunter harsh view of reality - 'Babies start out as boring as they're ever going to be and then they progressively get more interesting!'

I have been known to refer to the early stage as 'Floppy-head newborn stage'

Pink, I hate it when other people give me a newborn too! I feel uncomfortable.

I never felt maternal at all, was scared stiff when pregnant with DD and remember crying and telling my DH (quite late on) that I didn't want a baby after all. However DD is now 21 months and an adorable little person. I love her more than anything and she has brought so much joy into my life, and that of my whole family.

I have never really liked other people's children that much but it's different with your own child. You, though, must like children, a lot more than I do in fact, because I could NEVER teach a whole class of them!

And, to answer another point you raised, I too got really scared about the grossness of pregnancy by reading MN, but I got hardly any of the symptoms people described. Pregnancy barely affected me. Leaky boobs only happened with breastfeeding but you can choose not to breastfeed.

Not trying to persuade you to have DC, just letting you know that I felt similarly to you in some ways - you're not alone.

'It was just the natural way of things when you got together with someone'

That's a dangerous gamble though. It doesn't mean that you will take to being a parent or find it enjoyable in any way. It could be the best thing you've ever done or the worst mistake you ever made. Or somewhere in between of course!

pixwix - I'm looking forward to the articulate stage! So far I get knowing looks and raspberries blown at me when he's had enough dinner...

I dont understand people who think babies are boring! I love babies (which is why I had so many!), and watching them learn and be constantly surprised by new things is wonderful. Just because they cant hold a conversation doesnt mean they cant communicate, and find it rather sad that so many people write them off as dull.

The look on my DDs face when she first sneezed was priceless, she gave me a filthy look as if I had made her do it! I love older children too of course, but babies arent boring at all!

I do sometimes sit and think 'The utterly dependent stage is only a few years long and in 18 years he'll leave home and I'll be sad.'

I usually think this when I've spent the last hour prising his chubby little fingers off electrical cables/cat-sick/something else that's disgusting....

I agree the whole thing is a gamble. You just need to decide if it's a gamble you wish to pursue.

And there is NOTHING wrong with deciding not to pursue it. Making your peace with that decision is harder though - it sounds like that's what you're struggling with pinkflipflop.

bogeyface I think I found DS1's behaviour interesting at the time, but in retrospect he is so much more interesting now!

I'm currently PG with DS2 and am dreading the fact that inevitably he will seem dull next to DS1. However, I am comforting myself with the fact that DS1 was a newborn less than a year ago and look at him now! I guess I'm glad they evolve into little people so quickly, is what I'm trying to say.

Lottapianos - of course it's a gamble, it always is. Will the pregnancy go ok, are your your partner really cut out for it, will you get PND, will your child be ok, will you be left a single parent one day? I just think that people think that because we do have choices now (and that's great) that to have a baby you must get that feeling that you WANT one so badly. I just don't think it always works like that. I don't know if that maternal instinct or broodiness would ever have really kicked in for me. I have never felt it before falling pregnant but have two children who I am so grateful for.

AnEcumenicalMatter That pesky biological clock, mine too started to tick at 35 despite already having 3. After 2 years of sticking my fingers in my ears and singing I am now carrying my much wanted 4th child.

I'm then going to invest in ear plugs

People who had the biological clock thing - what did it feel like? Just curious to know before mine kicks in in 3 years time bloody hope not

It's a bit of a mixed blessing when they are 14 Herrena sometimes :o But I do love this teenage stage most of the time - and don't worry - underneath those knowing looks, there are plans for world domination abrewing :o

I struggled with the 6 weeks before they smiled - Although I knew I loved them, I felt pinned to the sofa like a milch cow - everytime I picked them up, they smelled milk and went ballistic, and all they did was fix me with a muscular stare when they were apparently 'content' - I found it quite unnerving at times..... and worrying about their head control etc - when they smiled, and I could see they weren't pissed off with me - it was much better!

I never really worried too much about the future, or if I was doing things right, I just did it day to day, but I remember the first year as being bloody hard work. Then the goal posts move, and it's new challenges, just as you've got to grips with the old ones - the first year for both of em was a bit of a blur tbh....

They were quite straightforward to look after, and it was great to see all the minute changes, and sometimes, I would love to have a day or so with them at that stage again just cos I could ! Soon your dc will be walking and talking!

OP there are more women than you realise who feel exactly the same as you, so you aren't unusual, or unwomanly or anything like that. In my group of friends the pressure for children has always come from the husband.

Don't have children out of obligation, have them if you want them, or spend the extra money you'll have if you don't on fabulous holidays

Pink, I actually think this is LOADS more common than you think.

Think about things like this:
a) How many people have the courage to break with what other people expect from them, especially when its 'the norm' within society? Not many even if its not what they personally would have chosen without outside pressure of various kinds. Its just easier to do what everyone else does rather than make a decision to do different and spend the rest of your life defending that decision.

b) Not having children is something of a taboo subject. Think about how you have phrased things on this thread and how you've said you don't feel 'womanly' because of it. Since having children seems to be closely associated with someones worth as a woman, people just don't talk about this side of things. If you don't have children, I think others very often will talk to you, in something of a pitying tone, even if its a free and positive decision on your part.

c) As for longing for a baby. I'm 33. And after actually raising the subject with friends, most of whom I will admit are 3 or 4 years younger, I've been surprised how many have said that actually they don't feel as maternal as they thought they should do. Naturally I have others who can't wait for them too. I certainly don't think you are abnormal though from the conversations I've had.

I think the biggest thing about the whole subject is just how many women don't feel able or are willing to speak freely and honestly about how they really feel. I think if they did, you might have a very different picture about how you think you should be feeling at your age. I think a significant number of people have children, because they feel they should rather than because they really want them. I think the vast majority ultimately don't regret the choice, but I really don't believe that theres a whole bunch who ultimately wonder what their lifes would be otherwise, and do regret it. And again they would never speak of it, as it so intertwined with self worth, value and position within society - the stigma of gaining the label of somehow being a bad mother - a perhaps undeserved one.

Having children isn't compulsory, if you don't want them don't have them!

Wow, how delightfully insulting to anyone else who feels the same to be called unnatural/abnormal/whatever. I don't mind self-deprecation when it's not taking down a bunch of people with it.

For the love of God don't have a child unless you both 100% desire it with your whole hearts. Do I really have to bring out this thread again?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1146040--deep-breath-I-regret-having-children/AllOnOnePage

Aribura, women who don't want children and are vocal about it are often made to feel weird, unnatural and unwomanly by others. I don't think the OP was casting aspersions on people in the same boat as her, but reflecting on the harsh judgements that people sometimes cast on child-free women.

I always wonder exactly why people feel the need to be so vicious about a choice that someone else makes, which affects them not one jot. Interesting....