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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and very unwomanly to be freaked out by pregnancy and birth and to not really want or yearn for a baby?

177 replies

Pinkflipflop · 10/05/2012 20:43

Sort of wished I had never discovered mumsnet! There is so much about pregnancy and birth I didn't know about, bleeding, leaking boobs, horrors of childbirth, effects on body, pnd, loss of figure/independence etc.

I know not all these things happen to everyone but the thought of all of these things really frighten me.

I'm at the stage, 32, where I really need to get on with the baby thing but I'm really searching for my longing for a baby but I can't find it.

I've posted about this before but I really give myself a hard time about what's wrong with me for not longing for a baby. Why don't I long for a baby?

Do people think the fact that dh and I have been married for 10 years and are just content with being 2 is the problem?

I don't want to be alone when I'm old, but I don't yearn to have a baby, but then I feel like there must be something wrong with me.

Sorry to be so self indulgent!

OP posts:
monkeymoma · 10/05/2012 20:46

nothing's wrong with you Grin

having children is by definition selfish anyway

are you in a relationship? I didn't want kids until I wanted DH's kids

monkeymoma · 10/05/2012 20:46

oh sorry missed the DH sentance, if you and dh are happy why "fix" it it doesn't sound broken!

does this worry come from other people?

rubyslippers · 10/05/2012 20:48

I don't yearn for babies, and when I had both mine it was fairly unnerving

However, toddlers are glorious!

There's nothing wrong with you tho - you feel how you feel and as long as you and your DH are content and in agreement about having or not having children then that's the only thing that matters

Having a child is no guarantee you won't be lonely in your old age either

Original poster
Pinkflipflop · 10/05/2012 20:49

Yes in a relationship, married for 10 years and we are far too content.

I listen to my colleagues talk about all things child related and organising their time and daycare etc and I just don't know how they have the energy or desire.

I'm a teacher, it's not that I don't like children but I don't know where my urge to have them is Sad

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 10/05/2012 20:49

If you dont want a child, dont have one because you feel society expects you to.

I havent got any of my own (have 3 grown up stepkids) and although we have half heartedly tried to get me pregnant, it hasnt happened, and although sometimes I have a little wishful thinking, to be absolutely honest, I have a phobia of hospitals, and the thought of being pregnant, giving birth, and all that it entails terrifies me to the point that I would not go for IVF when we had the opportunity.

And you could have ten kids and still be alone in your old age... friends are often the most reliable people when you get old. Kids grow up and more than ever these days move far away and rarely see you.

Original poster
Pinkflipflop · 10/05/2012 20:50

Pressure comes from other people and my advancing age, 32.

OP posts:
HecateTrivia · 10/05/2012 20:51

If you don't want a child then you absolutely should not have one. Bugger what anyone else thinks. Not everyone wants children. There is nothing wrong with you AT ALL! don't let anyone make you think that there is.

RecursiveMoon · 10/05/2012 20:51

Don't panic flipflop, you've got lots of time left if you decide that you'd like to have a baby. I can't really describe how I felt before I had DS - I just had an irresistible biological need to be pregnant (DH needed slightly more convincing Grin). It really is up to you and your partner - lots of people have children and are very happy, lots of people don't have any children and are also very happy.

Original poster
Pinkflipflop · 10/05/2012 20:52

That's interesting, dh and I tried for 2 months to get pregnant and I was delighted when my period came. Both said never in a million years would we go for IVF.

Can't shake the feeling that I am odd though.

OP posts:
monkeymoma · 10/05/2012 20:52

"Having a child is no guarantee you won't be lonely in your old age either"

very very true

Even though I've had one and am hopefully pregnant with no 2, I'm still not that keen on babies (I like children and LOVE toddlers, I even like teenagers, just not babies).

I think people don't admit it much but its pretty common to find pregnancy and babies a wee bit gross!

Original poster
Pinkflipflop · 10/05/2012 20:52

I think the problem is also to do with the fact that we don't know any other couples who don't have children.

OP posts:
AnyoneforTurps · 10/05/2012 20:53

It's not compulsory you know! Smile. I am married and very happily child-free (I come onto MN to discuss books but sometimes stray into AIBU..). At least 1 in 5 women currently under 50 will never have children so you are not alone.

Being a parent is incredibly tough (I have been involved in bringing up DC). It's hard enough doing it if it's what you really want, let alone if you don't. Stay true to yourself - you can't lead someone else's life.

Herrena · 10/05/2012 20:54

Kids are not mandatory (and I say that as a breeder).

I can perfectly understand that some of my friends don't feel the need to have kids of their own. My choices don't devalue theirs and their choices don't devalue mine - we're just different is all.

Although... you seem quite sad about not wanting to, so does that imply you secretly want to?! Or are you just worried that society will judge you as a freak?
If it's the former then your problem is solved. If the latter then don't worry about what society says and do whatever it is that makes YOU happy, not what the masses demand of you :)

AnyoneforTurps · 10/05/2012 20:55

Read this - it's very light-hearted and not anti-child (I hate some child-free websites which are horrible about DC and parents) book

Original poster
Pinkflipflop · 10/05/2012 20:56

I will get flamed for this possibly, I am selfish and love my life and shopping etc and everyone talks about how life changing a baby is. I don't want to give up my independence, throw out all my clothes, never go out to dinner, all this things I take for granted now.

Teacher at school had baby and came in 4 days after baby came and she still looked pregnant. It just freaks me out, I really really don't mean to be insensitive or upset anyone here.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 10/05/2012 20:57

I personally think it is way more odd that people respond to pressure from society and have babies when they don't want them.

I don't understand that at all. I wouldn't book a holiday or drive a particular car based on what my peers or family or workmates thought. Creating a child so as not to feel odd would shock the hell out of me

I am never bothered by people saying they don't want children . I don't think there is anything odd about that.

MunroMagic · 10/05/2012 20:57

Everyone is different. I always knew I wanted children, but it was never a longing as such. In fact I wanted to skip the baby stage altogether as I never really liked babies.

Original poster
Pinkflipflop · 10/05/2012 20:58

Yes, I am quite sad that I don't want a baby.

OP posts:
monkeymoma · 10/05/2012 20:58

having children is by definition selfish - its all about wanting your DNA to live forever!

its the worst thing you can do for the environment

you may be selfish (and what's wrong with being a bit selfish) but not more selfish than parents!

Pagwatch · 10/05/2012 20:58

Good grief. Why would anyone flame you for not wanting children.

I think you are in danger of thinking people give more of a toss than they do.

Live the life you want.

Herrena · 10/05/2012 21:00

Do you ever notice any of those other couples over-emphasising how happy they are, as they gaze wistfully at your stain-free carpets and photos of expensive holidays?!

It's not uncommon to bad-mouth other people's lifestyles when you're secretly wondering why you made your own choices the way you did. IME a lot of parents do this... 'yes we haven't been for a holiday for a decade and we live in a constant state of panic but I wouldn't have it any other way and anyone who does otherwise is UNNATURAL'.

I'm not saying your friends do this, but I've seen it and think it's one of the things that puts non-child-minded people off that life.

NomNomDePlum · 10/05/2012 21:01

don't want to have a baby? no problem. don't have a baby.

really. stop worrying about not wanting to. it's not compulsory.

Pagwatch · 10/05/2012 21:01

Ah. X-posted.
If it makes you sad that is different.
Do you kniw why?

MistyRocks · 10/05/2012 21:02

i used to be like this, found the whole pregnancy / childbirth thing gross and icky, the thought of it freaked me out. and i was really anti babies, i remember friends having babies and i was just like, thank fuck that aint me

this was up till about my early - mid 20's though

now i have 2 dc. and still find most aspects of pg and birth gross tbh, i even opted for caesareans as the thought of pushing a baby out my fanjo was just hideous to me. i'd love another dc, if only i didn't have to be pg and give birth to get one :o

but i don't think you are weird OP, one of my best friends is just like you. (perhaps you are her :o )

HecateTrivia · 10/05/2012 21:03

You know what WOULD be selfish? Bringing a human being into the world that you didn't want with all your heart, just because you felt that other people think you ought to. To say that you don't want children is not selfish. To say that you want to lead your life in a certain way and that means no children - is still not selfish!

Better that than having children and resenting them because of all you feel you 'gave up'. God, how many of THOSE have we come across! - I gave up everything for you...

Honestly. Stop worrying. If you don't want to have children - don't have them. Anyone who would judge you for it is an arse.

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