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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell them I'm pregnant.

202 replies

moogster1a · 10/05/2012 09:25

I'm a childminder and am 8 weeks pg. I've got a family coming at the weekend to hopefully sign up for full time care ( 5 days a week) for their lo starting July.
Would it be very wrong of me not to mention the pg. until the lo has settled in with me. I just really don't want to put them off.
If my last pg's are anything to go by, I won't be showing till about September.
Also, I've only ever taken 4 weeks off maternity and last time just 2 weeks. I'm due at Christmas so this would tie in nicely with Christmas hols.
If I needed to take more time off, I have back up CM's who would cover.
Would you prefer to be told now, and would it put you off? ( my other parents have been very happy when my other dc arrived and it really didn't impact on their lo's care ).
Writing it down it seems a bit dishonest, doesn't it. Maybe I'd mention it come JUly when she starts...

OP posts:
TheRealMrsHannigan · 10/05/2012 09:31

Tell them, give the the option to go elsewhere if theyfeel they need to, I'd be very pissed off if I were them and it turned out you did need longer on maternity leave, and they then have to find back up care etc.

Mrsjay · 10/05/2012 09:32

I think i would want to know but explain about the back up you have and how it works , the parents may feel really miffed if they have not been , told , saying that you are really early so you could leave it for now and see how it goes , i guess you can judge when you meet them today how they will take it

oh and congratulations Smile

Darkling · 10/05/2012 09:32

I would mention it now and be upfront, as a parent I would be really pissed off if I found out you had basically lied by omission to get me to sign my child up with you, if you say it won't affect your childminding and you will be back working within a couple of weeks then fair enough but I don't think it's reasonable not to give prospective customers all the information before they sign a contract with you.

docket · 10/05/2012 09:33

It's difficult as I don't think you HAVE to tell them but I think I would tell them and outline how this would affect them when you have the baby.

I suppose it might put me off. But if I really liked you and was confident that it would work out then probably not. I think they might think you were a bit disingenuous if you don't say now and say later...

Bonsoir · 10/05/2012 09:33

You should tell them the full implications of your pregnancy and let them make an informed decision. Anything else is deceitful.

fatherchewylouis · 10/05/2012 09:35

If I'm enitirely honest I would be worried that you would need time off right left and centre for mw appointents and scans etc and that although you say you would only take 2-4 weeks off, I would be worried about you changing your mind and being dropped in it without childcare as you get further along.

This might not be entirely reasonable of me, but just being honest.

emsyj · 10/05/2012 09:35

I would prefer to be told now and would be mighty pissed off if you kept it secret and then told me just as the childcare was due to begin!!! Shock

If you don't want to tell them until you are 12 weeks/after scan etc then that's fair enough, but keeping it secret longer than that would be wrong IMO.

Original poster
moogster1a · 10/05/2012 09:37

Thing is, if I left it till 12 weeks scan ( which is at 13 weeks ) that'll only be 2 weeks before care would be due to start.
Regarding MW appointments etc, there will be about 5 of those up until the last month or so, and lo's have always just come with me, or MW comes/- to the house.

OP posts:
DialsMavis · 10/05/2012 09:38

But OP us only 8 weeks pregnant. You wouldn't tell an employer or any other type of person contracting you for self employed work when you were 8 weeks. It's a tricky one I think....

timetosmile · 10/05/2012 09:38

I didn't tell an employer I was 7w pregnant when I was about to start a new job.
Without being Sad there is a small but realistic possibility of a miscarriage up to 12w, so that had always been my cutoff point for telling people outside my immediate family.
I think if you were further along it would be a little unfair not to tell them, but at your stage, although it 'feels' a bit sneaky I don't think it's too unreasonable.

Original poster
moogster1a · 10/05/2012 09:39

dials that's what I'm thinking. Any other job most people wouldn't tell prospective / current employers at such an early stage.

OP posts:
littleducks · 10/05/2012 09:40

I would be a bit miffed if I found out you were pg just when my dc was going to start.

On the other hand some people don't even know they are of at 8 weeks it is early, if you were an employee you wouldn't have to tell them for ages yet.

emsyj · 10/05/2012 09:41

Honestly, if a childminder did this to me: "Would it be very wrong of me not to mention the pg. until the lo has settled in with me. " I would be very angry and would immediately remove my child from their care.

Either your arrangements for mat leave are acceptable to the parents, in which case it's fine and you can tell them now - or they will want to have the personal choice of exactly who cares for their child (or possibly won't want their child being cared for by someone who also has a newborn that may want to be held 24/7) and so your arrangements will not suit them and you cannot offer what they are looking for.

I cannot tell you how angry I would be if I was told this 2 weeks before care was due to start.

emsyj · 10/05/2012 09:41

But you are not an employee. You are running a business. If you want the benefits of employment, get a job.

Original poster
moogster1a · 10/05/2012 09:42

Other thing is that I've not told anyone else yet. ( except DH). No friends, no family, just in case of MC. TBH I'm a little reluctant that the first person to be told would be a stranger. I also live in a small'ish village where gossip gets round everywhere. Everyone knows everyone else and it would get back to family/ friends.

OP posts:
emsyj · 10/05/2012 09:42

"You wouldn't tell an employer or any other type of person contracting you for self employed work when you were 8 weeks. "

You would tell someone contracting you for self employed work if your pregnancy was likely to affect the performance of the contract - and if you didn't, you would be risking your reputation IMO.

surroundedbyblondes · 10/05/2012 09:44

Personally I'd appreciate being told. I'm a big one for honesty.

Mrsjay · 10/05/2012 09:45

OP could you tell them you are planning a baby and how the maternity cover would work then you are not telling them but giving them the option to go elsewhere , I can see your POV you are very early and most people done make the announcement till after 12 weeks ,

Original poster
moogster1a · 10/05/2012 09:46

But it won't affect my performance of the contract. I have back up care available ( from the CM who will be looking after the lo till she hopefully starts with me. This other CM has looked after her for the last 6 months and knows her well ). And looking after children is what I do for a living, no matter what their ages! The only sticking point would be if I had to take 6 weeks off ( 4 if you include Christmas hols.)

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 10/05/2012 09:47

I was in the same position, told the prospective parent who then chose to go elsewhere. I miscarried about 2 weeks later. If this had to happen to me again, I would not tell my parents, current or prospective, until it became patently obvious that I was pregnant.

Mrsjay · 10/05/2012 09:47

saying all that i would feel uncomfy if i found out a CM was pregnant and not telling me ,

fuckbucket · 10/05/2012 09:48

I wouldn't tell anyone until after 12 weeks either, no matter how awkward.

DPrince · 10/05/2012 09:48

I think its unfair to not mention it.

SchoolsNightmare · 10/05/2012 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vvviola · 10/05/2012 09:49

Emsyj said exactly what I was going to.

Also - on both pregnancies I told my employer at 8 weeks, because I knew that my mat leave would impact on their arrangements for various things & I wanted to give them enough lead-in time. They were among the first to know & I worked in a very gossipy industry.