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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell them I'm pregnant.

202 replies

moogster1a · 10/05/2012 09:25

I'm a childminder and am 8 weeks pg. I've got a family coming at the weekend to hopefully sign up for full time care ( 5 days a week) for their lo starting July.
Would it be very wrong of me not to mention the pg. until the lo has settled in with me. I just really don't want to put them off.
If my last pg's are anything to go by, I won't be showing till about September.
Also, I've only ever taken 4 weeks off maternity and last time just 2 weeks. I'm due at Christmas so this would tie in nicely with Christmas hols.
If I needed to take more time off, I have back up CM's who would cover.
Would you prefer to be told now, and would it put you off? ( my other parents have been very happy when my other dc arrived and it really didn't impact on their lo's care ).
Writing it down it seems a bit dishonest, doesn't it. Maybe I'd mention it come JUly when she starts...

OP posts:
Original poster
moogster1a · 11/05/2012 07:53

The comments that have really upset me are the ones saying people would remove their child from my care because I would have a newborn.
Really?!! So CM's can't have children? How about if I was to take on a mindee who was only a few weeks old? Would you remove your child then? What if you had another baby and needed care from a young age? Would you assume I was neglecting your elder child, or presume that I can't cope and put one child with one CM and the other with a second one?
Re. taking my child for jabs etc. I remember it's about 3 times in the first year? Usually at the late night nurse session after lo's have gone home. But, I never have parents complaining when I take their child for jabs because they're at work. then it's OK to "drag" them along with siblings and fellow mindees. TBH my parents don't give it a second thought that their lo might have to come to the dentist / doctor with the others. It means when it's their turn, mum or dad doesn't have to take to day off 'cos I take them.
For the ones who would be disgusted by my dishonesty, can you explain what is so awful about your lo being exposed to a very small baby?
The responses have convinced me not to tell until as late as possible. I really cannot afford to lose work for almost a year, and can't take the risk that the prospective parents may be as misogynistic as some of the people on here.
If they then choose to leave after their child is settled for the sake of lo going somewhere else for a couple of weeks ( in about 7 months!), then so be it; they're the type of parent who'd obviously have a strop if I broke my leg/ had my appendix out.

OP posts:
SchoolsNightmare · 11/05/2012 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovelynewboots · 11/05/2012 08:03

Moogster, you have done nothing wrong. So much is expected of a childminder and I have seen grown woman crying who do this for a living because of stroppy parents and ofsted inspections. I really do not understand women who think it is ok to pick and choose who should get basic maternity and human rights to privacy. Do not feel guilty, say when you are ready and if the parents throw a strop, well that is their problem isn't it. You sound like an excellent childminder who builds up good relationships with their clients. Don't let this get you down.

FartBlossom · 11/05/2012 08:10

For the ones who would be disgusted by my dishonesty, can you explain what is so awful about your lo being exposed to a very small baby?

Two different things. Absolutely nothing wrong with a toddler being exposed to a small baby, but being lied to and being dishonest with people is wrong IMHO.

FallenCaryatid · 11/05/2012 08:16

So how many children do you have on your books at the moment, whose parents have a relationship with you and will be happy to support you?
Do you plan on only having this one customer, so that means if they don't sign up you may be unemployed? Or have to find other customers when you are more obviously pregnant and they may be uncertain?
Are you pinning all your hopes on reeling in this one couple?

One of the children in my class has a parent who is a CM, and she's amazing. Looks after four children and her own, she feeds them, socialises them, does craft activities, plays with them, and hears the ones that can, read. She looks for lost property and passes on all messages and notes for school. One of her charges has SN, and she's managed that for a couple of years too.
They love her like an auntie and the parents would bend an enormous way to support her because she's fantastic at her job. If she got pregnant, I can't see any of her customers leaving. They waited too long for her services, her waiting list includes children that haven't been born yet.
There are other CMs that are less wonderful and use a combination of the TV and baby-sitting to fill the time until they return their charges to the parents. They do seem to have a fast turn-over of clients and probably do struggle to get enough long-term employment.

Lovelynewboots · 11/05/2012 08:16

No-one is lying, she just does not want to say yet.

Original poster
moogster1a · 11/05/2012 08:18

"being lied to and being dishonest" for not telling people at 8 weeks? I've not even told my own mother yet.
Would you find it dishonest if I didn't tell you I was having really heavy periods and then needed a hysterectomy 6 months down the line?
What if I have a sore knee, could turn into arthritis. I should give up work now in case I get ill / have an accident in a year's time.
I'm so glad my other parents aren't like you; but can't take the risk with the new ones which is why I'm keeping MY pregnancy to myself and my husband for now.
Nasty selfish women some of you.

OP posts:
Lovelynewboots · 11/05/2012 08:19

The personal attacks that are being posted on here are unbelievable.

FallenCaryatid · 11/05/2012 08:20

No, she's not lying at all, it is a very difficult choice.
But I do think that she's already decided and I don't understand why she posted here because there are people disagreeing with her choice and that's not what she wanted to hear.
Why ask the question if all you want is agreement? There is a childmnders' section on MN, if she's posted there, then all of the responses may have been more to her liking.

Original poster
moogster1a · 11/05/2012 08:20

I've got a brother and sister before / after school who have been with me for 6 years, and a toddler who's been here over a year. All loved like part of the family.
I don't NEED another one as such, but now don't see why I should turn down work because I'm pregnant.
haven't there been quite a few years of women arguing for the right to work whilst pregnant?

OP posts:
Lovelynewboots · 11/05/2012 08:22

There is one thing disagreeing. It is quite another to post that because she doesn't want to say, it implies she is bad at her job. And you have quite clearly said that. And I don't really understand your motivation for posting it.

Original poster
moogster1a · 11/05/2012 08:23

I poisted here because I wanted parents opinions, not CM's. Surprisingly, the response on a childminding forum has been diffreent.
I guess I wanted reassurance that most people wouldn't mind. I was thinking more along the lines of would you be miffed about be taking a few weeks off; wasn't expecting people to say their child would be immediately removed from my care. ( guess you'd put in a compaint to OFSTED too about my dishonesty)

OP posts:
Original poster
moogster1a · 11/05/2012 08:23

posted, not poisted.

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 11/05/2012 08:23

You will be working whilst pregnant, no one is denying you your rights as a woman or as a pregnant employee.
Why did you post here? It has only annoyed and upset you.
Did you want a chorus of agreement?

Original poster
moogster1a · 11/05/2012 08:26

But I wouldn't be working as much if all parents had the attitude of some on here. And people are saying they would deny me work as soon as I told them at 12 weeks because they would remove their child.

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 11/05/2012 08:26

Why is it surprising that the responses on the CM forum have been different, if I post on the TES forums on an emotive teaching issue, I'd get a very different response to the same question asked here.

Original poster
moogster1a · 11/05/2012 08:27

sarcasm, Fallen, sarcasm...

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 11/05/2012 08:31

So you only want parental opinions that agree with you and support your decisions?
I understand that now.

Original poster
moogster1a · 11/05/2012 08:35

No, I just wasn't expecing such vitriol and that people would say they would deny me work and that by having a baby I can't do my job. It's surely not difficult to realise that as a CM I look after babies. that's what I do. having a newborn to look after will not mean the other children will be tied to cots all day Romanian orphanage style as some people seem to think.

OP posts:
StrawberryMojito · 11/05/2012 08:45

I was looking at prospective childminders a couple of months ago. I didn't feel any of them were the right fit and went with a nursery instead. However, if I had met with a childminder I really liked and felt my DS would be happy with her and she had been upfront about being in the early stages of pregnancy I don't think it would have been an issue. It would have been a problem if she told me she was planning on taking several months mat leave but if she had said that she was only taking a few weeks and provided details of alternate care during this period then I would appreciate the honesty and still go with her.

I guess I would be pissed off if she didn't tell me for many months that she was pregnant but I guess my hands would be tied by then...I would trust her a little less though and maybe feel less obliged to give her notice about things that would affect her.

Good luck with the pregnancy, don't get too wound up on here.

FallenCaryatid · 11/05/2012 08:45

Vitriol?
For some parents, their child is the most precious, important and meaningful thing in their lives. So you are getting a lot of responses from the heart, from parents who can imagine the distress they and their child would feel if the situation went very wrong in the situation you are proposing.
You need to be talking to your colleagues about your business and income, not the parents who are personalising this, if you want an unemotional response.

SchoolsNightmare · 11/05/2012 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerylStrop · 11/05/2012 09:18

I didn't mean to upset you, and I'm sorry that you have been.

I wouldn't be worried about my child being in your care whilst you were pregnant, nor about my child being cared for alongside a newborn.

But you know that you're know that you are going to be unable to provide childcare for a number of weeks in the imminent future (which would cause infinite problems for most working parents. It would be impossible for us). I'd feel totally mislead and I'd have to move my child even if happy and settled. Sorry.

Bubbaluv · 11/05/2012 09:20

Regardless of any obligation to the parents, I think you should tell them so ensure you enjoy a good ongoing relationship with them. If nothing else, this thread has shown that many parents would be angry at not being told and even if they don't pull their children out, it could really effect their attitude toward you. Dealing with peevish, mistrustful parents will just be an added stress you won't need during your pregnancy.

I really think you should tell them. It's just the "right" thing to do IMHO.

Bubbaluv · 11/05/2012 09:22

BTW, I would have no problem with the situation you describe so long as I was comfortable with the alternate childcare. In your situation the family know the alternate, so they will have no problem deciding if they are still happy with her.