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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very sad I'll be the odd one out again in my family?

239 replies

chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:35

Continuing from my thread in chat about children's surnames. Had the talk with DP about it and said I would prefer my dcs to have my name, he said absolutely no way, they're having my name, they always take the fathers name (he has his mothers name Hmm) etc.

I just feel really down now. I did try and stand my ground and said it's up to me and since we aren't married they could have mine and change to his once we marry, he again said no.

I had a different name from all my family as my parents separated and never married, mother married stepfather and my brother was born.

I guess I'll be the odd one out again :(

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 09/05/2012 20:36

Why didn't you guys double-barreled it? Why does it have to be one or the other?

nancy75 · 09/05/2012 20:36

You could change your name?

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:37

His is double barrelled name already and they both really don't go.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2012 20:38

Is it you that wants to be married? In which case he can marry you or put up with the consequences of not marrying you.

BikeRunSki · 09/05/2012 20:39

You could change your name without getting married.

I know that is not really the point, but you would all have the same name. I didn't change my name when I got married, but 8 years later when I was expecting DC1 I had an overwhelming desire to have the same name as my child and changed. I was happy to change and for us all to have DH's name as it is a simple English name and my maiden name is a pain in the bum Gaelic name. I am Dr MaidenName at work and Mrs MarriedName at home.

mynewpassion · 09/05/2012 20:39

Why doesn't he choose one of his last name and add yours for the double-barreled?

HeathRobinson · 09/05/2012 20:40

It is up to you. He has no say, legally, iirc.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:41

That's what I told him MrsTerry he said he has been thinking about marriage. He seems to always drag his heels with commitment related things

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 09/05/2012 20:42

Well, you're right, it is up to you, he can't register them without you. If he wants his DCs to have his name, then he needs to marry their mother. Does he not want to get married? Have you asked him if he will change his name to his fathers surname in which case you'll give them that name...

DontmindifIdo · 09/05/2012 20:43

oh I see, well then tell him that your DC will be registered with your name. If he wants that to be the same as his, then he has to marry you. Tell him you won't discuss it again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2012 20:43

Oooo, BikeRunSki you can solve an issue for me. When you are a female Doctor, married to a male non-Doctor, what is the correct addressing of an envelope? Is it hopes passionately Mr and Dr MarriedName? I had this argument years ago and want to know.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:44

He's adamant he won't change his name and his children will have it too. So I said I'll be the odd one out, what about that? Silence. I'm feeling really hormonal and upset now :(

OP posts:
Springforward · 09/05/2012 20:44

Give DCs your name as a middle name - I know it's not the same but you could share your name that way.

wheremommagone · 09/05/2012 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2012 20:45

Sorry for the thread derail. Chips then his choice is clear. If he wants the DCs to have his name you would officially like it too. I cannot understand why people think marriage is a commitment and children aren't.

ImperialBlether · 09/05/2012 20:45

I can answer that! A doctor keeps the name they had when they took their exams. My doctor told me she is Dr X and Mrs Y.

ImperialBlether · 09/05/2012 20:46

So it would be Mr and Mrs Y or Mr S and Dr X.

(Sorry, got confused with my letters!)

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:46

Exactly MrsTerry I said you do realise children are a lifetime commitment and marriage can be ended?!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2012 20:46

Thanks, Imperial.

Fifivisage · 09/05/2012 20:46

Its not law that they take his name so what happens if you tell him you are equally adamant?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2012 20:48

I have no idea what my XH is doing, where he is, who he is with. I am pretty sure that DH will always be in my life because I wuv him of DD.

I think you have a small issue with the names and a big issue with his inflexibility.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 09/05/2012 20:49

What do you mean he said no? He's not your boss and he isn't King. He doesn't have the right to say no. Well, he can say no if he wants, but it doesn't actually mean anything.

As he can't name the children without you, and he's saying no, what's to stop you saying no too? He doesn't have anymore right to the final say than you do. Stick up for yourself and simply tell him he doesn't get his own way.

I also wouldn't be convinced by a promise of marriage unless a date is set, invites are out and you have the licence.

Chubfuddler · 09/05/2012 20:49

Why aren't you married, if you plan to marry? Then you could take his name.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:49

He's just so fucking stubborn

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 09/05/2012 20:49

But it not up to him, it is up to you because you are not married. If he wants his children to have his name then he can get down on one knee. So spell it out to him.

Agree with Mrs TP - what could be more of a commitment than children?