To be very sad I'll be the odd one out again in my family?

[chipsandmushypeas]

Continuing from my thread in chat about children's surnames. Had the talk with DP about it and said I would prefer my dcs to have my name, he said absolutely no way, they're having my name, they always take the fathers name (he has his mothers name ) etc.

I just feel really down now. I did try and stand my ground and said it's up to me and since we aren't married they could have mine and change to his once we marry, he again said no.

I had a different name from all my family as my parents separated and never married, mother married stepfather and my brother was born.

I guess I'll be the odd one out again :(

Since when should marriage be on a time scale? Unless you're engaged?

You don't just wake up one day and decide to get married, in say, 6 months time.

I had a different name to my ds's and found it really difficult. Although my relationship to them was pretty obvious Dr's, schools, hv's etc. would always make a big thing about it. I changed my name to my partners and it has made things so much easier. My sister has a different name to her dc's and wishes she had given them her name.

I didn't change my name when DH and I got married. Our DC have his name. It is just a name. The dc are still mine. I am still their mum. I haven't had any trouble with schools or doctors or immigration control or anything.
Let it go and don't worry about it.

MrsTerryPratchett, you address the envelope to whatever their names are. I am married, but am Dr Maidenname, at home and work. Envelopes come addressed to "Dr Him and Dr Her" when from his friends, and to "Dr Her and Dr Him" when from mine.

I really don't think you should go with him on this OP. Why should you? You have offered compromises (to get married or possible double barreling), and he has unhelpfully and childishly said no to everything. What happens if you do the same?

Most importantly, you should not give in because he thinks that his word is law. Are you going to allow that?! It will set the tone.

timetoask, that is all great, because you were clearly happy for your DC to have your DH's name. The OP is not happy, to her it is not just a name. And therefore she should not give in just because her husband has essentially decreed that she will. Who the hell does he think he is?

DC should have your name, if you do split with DP you can only change your child's name with his permission and if you have split up and married someone else you are lumbered with ex's surname for your child.

Yes it is traditional for a child to take the father's name, but that's not true everywhere.

In iceland your dc would have your first name and dottier as the surname if dc is a girl, and hisnameson if it was a boy.

In many arab countries you only change your name whan you have a son, then you take your son's name as your surnams.

In Pakistan all married woman are called Begum.

So it is entirely up to you - use your name, that's what you want. If you don't want an argument just don't tell him and register the birth yourself - what can he do?

And if you have read 'what can he do?' and thought he could X, Y or Z and X Y and Z are violence, bullying or verbal abuse you are in an abusive relationship.

You can't hold the guy to ransom to marry you OP, it's sounding like bribery. "marry me or Dc won't have your name" isn't really a good reason to get wed.
I do understand where you are coming from though, don't get me wrong, I don't think it's very fair for him to "demand" it's his right for the kids to take his surname and he could definitely go about discussing it better with you. You said he has his mums name, so he could have issues about this from when he was younger and doesn't want his Dc to have those same issues. But he should see it from your POV too.
Someone else mentioned- what if you give your name then you get married 5/6 years down the line when the kids are in school its no one elses business but people could question are the kids his, why didn't they already have fathers name etc.... Also why are people talking about if you give them his name then you can't change it ?? why would you want to unless you re-married and decided to give kids your new married name. Not something I would personally do if their natural father was still in their life but understand why some do.

I still think it's a good temporary solution, if what is really bothering you, is being the "odd" one out, is to just use his name until marriage. Obviously no one can give a guarantee that he will defo marry you, who knows what is around the corner but if you trust that he will then where's the problem? That way you will have the same name and nothing changes when you do marry.

Like I said before it's easy enough to do, you don't need deed poll etc... I have had to do it myself as I had my mums name from birth then when I was 7 my name was changed to step fathers (not legally and I hated having to change it at that age btw) but it was what I used until I was an adult. Everything was in that name but I wanted to use my original name for various reasons and just simply changed it back, first with Dr's, dentist, bills and then banks etc... I was advised that you can call yourself what the hell you want so long as it is not for fraudulent/criminal reasons.

Hope you find a solution x

titfortat You and your partner may well be fully committed to each other emotionally - I agree that marriage isn't necessary to totally love someone. However, in the eyes of the law, you are not fully committed. OP needs to make her choices, with that in mind.

As for the idea that pg, sickness and pushing a baby out, doesn't give a mother 'more' rights - I'm on the fence with that one, but the sad fact is that when a relationship goes tits up, it is generally the woman who gets left with the physical and financial responsibility of raising the kids. It's surprisingly easy for a man to bail out. Until that changes, I kind of do think that a woman is taking the greater risk in having a child.

OP, I have been where you are. When ds1 was born, I wasn't married to my dh. Therefore ds1 got my name and I agreed to change it if we married. Also my dh has an ancestral name which resulted in much teasing when he was at school - I refused point blank to inflict it on my dc. I figured that I would be the one going to baby clinic and school and taking him to the doctors - it was important to me.

I think you've compromised enough - you are prepared to change it if you get married. The ball is in his court.

No one thinks he is unreasonable for wanting this - what is unreasonable is his utter refusal to recognise your very important reasons for feeling as you do. I strongly believe that a man who disregards you and insists on things he has no right to insist upon is not someone you should be appeasing. it doesn't bode well for future decisions. If you let someone walk all over you, then they will.

He is a complete twat because he got the op to agree to get pregnant dangling the carrot of marriage in-front of her, and changes his mind when the op got pregnant. Pretty much.

And on the basis of him not ever marrying her, but walking out on her a little down the line, seeing as he has already changed the goalposts, and he has no sympathy towards the op and her feelings of being the only one in her family with a different surname, he does not appear to have much empathy. Why would the op want her child to have a different name to herself?

It is not holding him to ransom. He does not want to commit to her. Why give the baby his name? Considering how uncertain their future seem, I think it is sensible to give the baby her name. But, dont want to rehash the old thread.

Quint, you must be reading something completely different to me as I have not read one post from the OP saying "I only agreed to get up the duff because he promised to marry me and now won't"

And why would anyone do that anyway?

I apologize if I have misread her previous thread.

This will out me to anyone who knows us but we have just been through this exact scenario. I didn't change my name when I got married (from lovely exciting unique name to common boring name). I wanted us both to change our names to double barrel but DH wouldn't hear of it. We talked a lot about it and he accepted my reasons for not taking his name alone and I accepted his reasons for not adding mine on.

18 months later DS was born. I said I want him to have my name, DH was horrified again. We compromised on DS being Hisname-Myname. We even gave him the traditional middle name that all the men in his family have so it really was Hisname Hisname-Myname. Again I offered that we should all change to the same double barrelled name and he refused. But we are all happy with DS's name.

Anyway long story short, my FIL first refused to speak to us after DS was born and then sent such horrendous letters and emails. Among many awful personal attacks against his poor son and me, he claimed we had "given my name precedence" (WTAF) so in an attempt to compromise yet again we registered DS as Myname-Hisname as supposedly this gives their family precedence - like anyone knows or cares about this arcane rule.

Anyway our attempts to compromise anf extend olive branches were futile and FIL is no longer in our lives. He was so concerned about his ancestral line and his family tree that he no longer even sees the newest branch

I have just travelled with DS on my own and was so relieved we share a name on his passport - we have quite different colouring so I was happy there would be no questions asked. So to the OP: STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Your DH needs to offer a compromise for you to consider or accept your reasoning. Ball's in his court - you stand your ground!!

If you are not married to the father of your child, you don't even have to include him on the BC. Just go along to the Registry Office and register your DC in your own name.

I will say again it is NOT traditional for a child to take their fathers name.

I haven't read the whole thread,but I very strongly feel you should stick to your guns and use your name.

I don't understand how any man can reasonably think he can insist on passing his surname, and his surname alone, to his child if he doesn't want to pass on his name to the mother of his child. As if she were a mere womb.

Tell him to fuck off.

He bosses you about and he has "committment issues"

what a catch.

There is no point arguing about it further if he won't back down. Don't mention it again and when the baby is born take yourself down to the registry office and register without him.

If he's being honest about wanting to marry you he'll get on with it and that'll be when DC gets his name.

Totally agree - tell him to fuck off

Hmmm this for me is quite complex and seems to be about 2 different things - your partners inability to commit when you want to and your desire for you all to have the same name. I can't help but wonder if the two are connected and you are using the name to get the commitment, which is probably not healthy.

Rightly or Wrongly it is the 'norm' for a child to have their fathers name so you are making a point that will seem bigger than it is and you have to weigh up if its worth it.

Why not double barrelled?
FWIW I have my maiden name and my children have my DH's.

I agree with margery. With the proviso that when/if you get married you will then decide whether any of you take his name.

In this case, it clearly means a lot to chips that her children have her name, and as the Mother, what she wants should go.

But, I just want to add a balance to all the people that seem to be implying its a bad thing for children of unmarried parents to have the Fathers name, because that hasn't been my experience at all. My ex and I weren't married when we had our two dc, and I was happy for my dc to have his name. It's a much nicer more unusual name than my maiden name, and as unmarked parents I wanted my ex to have that connection with our dc.

I wasn't particularly attached to my name, and as my own parents were also unmarried and I had my Mums name, I can remember wishing as a child that I had my dads name, partly because it was a less common name, and partly because my Dad died when I was young and I would have liked to have that connection to him.

Anyway, my dc have their Dads name, and it's never been a problem with doctors, schools or whatever. I am now married (not to my dc's Dad) and I took my husbands name. I would have kept my own name if it had been the same as the dc, but it wasn't so I wanted to change. Again, it has been no problem at all. I booked a holiday last week and had to book it in Mr and Mrs A and Masters B and B. The travel agent didn't bat an eyelid.

We lovingly refer to ourselves as the BA family (the names work well together but sound better that way round) and we have even registered our dog at the vet as Dog BA.

My dc have a wonderful Father who I consider to be part of our family, and I'm more than happy for the dc of this family to have his name.

It's the tradition ("norm", if you like) for everyone in a family to share the same name when a couple is married. However, when couples are unmarried I don't think, judging from the DCs I know, that there is any sort of norm for DCs to take their father's name.

Unmarked = unmarried. Bloody iPad!