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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very sad I'll be the odd one out again in my family?

239 replies

chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:35

Continuing from my thread in chat about children's surnames. Had the talk with DP about it and said I would prefer my dcs to have my name, he said absolutely no way, they're having my name, they always take the fathers name (he has his mothers name Hmm) etc.

I just feel really down now. I did try and stand my ground and said it's up to me and since we aren't married they could have mine and change to his once we marry, he again said no.

I had a different name from all my family as my parents separated and never married, mother married stepfather and my brother was born.

I guess I'll be the odd one out again :(

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 09/05/2012 20:50

Chips, tell him he can insists all he likes, you have to be the one to register them, so you'll be registering with your name, if he wants that to be the same as his, then you need to be married. Tell him that's the decision he gets to make, the surname if you are unmarried is your choice. Refuse to discuss it further.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:50

I agree Outraged I said, 'too bad' when he kept saying no. Im not backing down from this, it's bullshit

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/05/2012 20:51

Is he aware he can't register a child's birth if he is not married to you? He can do it with you but he can't without you. I'd be tempted to register the birth by myself and leave the father section blank.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:52

barbarian and dontmind I have spelled it out very clearly that he has no rights over this because we aren't married, he just kept saying no over and over.

If it comes up again I'll say I'm not discussing it further until we discuss marriage. But then I feel like he's only marrying me for that reason which is shit

OP posts:
OddBoots · 09/05/2012 20:53

Naming a child should be a joint choice but if you aren't married then when it comes down to it you are the one who legally has the choice about what to name your children. When push comes to shove, if you aren't married it's your decision, if you want your child to have your surname then that's what you register them as.

Yama · 09/05/2012 20:54

Yes, YABU.

You have the power. You get to register them. You choose their surname. In fact, you get the ultimate say in all their names.

BikeRunSki · 09/05/2012 20:54

MrsTerry

Yes, I will always be Dr MaidenName, as I was Miss MaidenName when I graduated.

I think the correct way of addressing DH and I would be "Mr MarriedName and Dr MaidenName", but since I now use my married name for all social situations (and DH doesn't get any post to my work), then Mr and Mrs does the trick. All my id etc is Married Name, only Maiden Name at work.

(PhD not medecine btw, not that it matters),

DontmindifIdo · 09/05/2012 20:54

This is one where he has to learn the hard way there are consequences of his decisions, he's decided not to marry you so he doesn't get the same rights as a married father. That is his choice, so don't discuss it further. Just keep repeating, "I've decided what I'll do, it's not your choice a we're not married". Then don't back down.

mynewpassion · 09/05/2012 20:54

So its marriage or your last name? Yikes.

Yama · 09/05/2012 20:57

'same rights as a married father'

Sorry, but it is not the law that a married father gets to choose their child's name.

MrsAmaretto · 09/05/2012 20:58

My opinion is that the children should have your surname. He can't make them have his - you are the one who will have to register the birth ( and can choose to have him with you, if you fancy)

In the maternity hospital I was at, the baby and mother's surname on the tags had to match. So, if you were tagged, say, Jo Bloggs, baby's tag read 'Baby Bloggs' even if you were married to the dad who was Mr Smith.

Babylon1 · 09/05/2012 20:59

If it helps at all, I changed my name by deed poll and took DHs surname when dd1 was born.
It cost me about £30 and it was no problem when we did get married as I just reverted to maiden name for the ceremony - in fact it was a bonus as passport and driving licence and everything else was already in married name Grin so no mac rush to change names on everything - it was already done!!!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 09/05/2012 20:59

Put it out of your head for now, otherwise you will just upset yourself about something that's not immediately relevant.

So he can be stubborn, use it to your advantage and learn how to be equally as stubborn. Don't forget you are the one holding the cards here. You could get your baby registered without him there and leave him off of the BC all together if you felt so inclined. Obviously you don't want to do that, but just take strength from the fact that you can.

This is not his descison. He cannot say no and put any real meaning on it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2012 20:59

I have a very stubborn DH as well. I find that pure logic works well on him. No emotion, no guilt. I would just say, "you do get a choice, you can choose to marry me and the DCs get your last name. You can choose not to and they get mine". No discussion, no arguments. He gets a choice but not to control the entire situation.

Belmo · 09/05/2012 21:01

Agree with everyone that he doesn't get the final say. We're not married, and my DD has my surname as a middle name - we plan to get married eventually and I'll change my surname and keep my maiden name as a middle name too so DP will be the odd one out :)

mercibucket · 09/05/2012 21:03

As he won't marry you, I don't see why he thinks he can insist on anything

Definitely don't change your name though! (See current thread)

Double-barrelled?

fedupofnamechanging · 09/05/2012 21:06

So basically he cares more about getting his own way than he does about your deep rooted feelings of being the odd one out in your own family? That being the case, why are you even giving headroom to what he wants.

The fact is, you could end up not ever marrying this man. You could split up and the children (who would most likely live with you) would always have a different last name to you. That's the risk, when you give your babies the name of a man you intend to marry, but haven't actually married.

Being brutal about this, but as an unmarried mother, it is up to you whether you even put his name on the birth certificate. His 'rights' most definitely don't outstrip yours. I mean, he says no and you do what? Roll over? He doesn't get final say.

If he wants the kids to have his name, then he needs to marry you before they are born - I wouldn't trust any promises to do so in the future, because once the kids are named you can't undo it.

AdoraBell · 09/05/2012 21:06

You said he's stubborn, well if this is important to you then be equally as stubborn. Even if you were married the children can have your name.

My OH is Mr OH, I am Mrs Me-OH, DCs are Me-OH

I would be concerned about making such a huge commitment as marriage and children with a partner who says this is the way it will be because I have decided

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 21:06

I don't even want his bloody name, I just want us all to have the same name since I didn't have this throughout childhood. I would be willing to take his strange name just so I could have the same name as my dcs.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 09/05/2012 21:07

He is a controlling shit, isnt he?

Be glad he wont marry you.

Sad

He can say no until he is BLUE in the face.
So can you.

He does not really have a say. As you are not married, you dont even have to put him on the birth certificate. Just go register the birth on your own.

If he leaves you over this, you know where you stand.

He is wrong though, about children getting the fathers names, when they wont marry the mother.

Clearly he does not care much for you, if he does not want to marry you, and he wont let your child have your name.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/05/2012 21:08

Sorry for calling him a shit. But his behavior is pretty shitty. Sad

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 21:10

I agree with all of you especially karma and Quint

He is being shitty. I'm not going to back down over this. I said they can take my name and once we're married they can have yours -NO Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 21:11

He isn't controlling at all to be fair

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2012 21:14

As others have said, he can say no until hell freezes over. Doesn't make any difference. The law, in it's wisdom, gives the rights over this to you.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 09/05/2012 21:16

There you go then. You have said you're not going to back down on this so start believing it. You sound like you a still doubting yourself (which is understandable when your dp is being so controlling) but you need to stop doubting yourself and convince yourself that you will be giving your children your name.

Your children are having your name. End of. Stop being scared that it won't happen, it will happen. Little baby Peas will be little baby Peas. That's all there is to it.