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Original poster

To be very sad I'll be the odd one out again in my family?

239 replies

chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:35

Continuing from my thread in chat about children's surnames. Had the talk with DP about it and said I would prefer my dcs to have my name, he said absolutely no way, they're having my name, they always take the fathers name (he has his mothers name Hmm) etc.

I just feel really down now. I did try and stand my ground and said it's up to me and since we aren't married they could have mine and change to his once we marry, he again said no.

I had a different name from all my family as my parents separated and never married, mother married stepfather and my brother was born.

I guess I'll be the odd one out again :(

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 09/05/2012 21:32

"he was half laughing saying nope, they're having my name! "

How can he be so cock-sure and even laugh about it, when it means so much to you? Confused

Angry
youarekidding · 09/05/2012 21:33

Is his double barrelled name a family name and another name or has it been double barelled for generations?

Only XDP is Mr A B
I'm Miss C
DS is Mr A-C

works for us and I wondered if you could do something similar. The only thing is XDP name is 2 names not hyphened as it's spanish way.

openerofjars · 09/05/2012 21:33

Well, you did use the work cock there, Quint.

AThingInYourLife · 09/05/2012 21:35

You don't need to reach a satisfactory conclusion for both of you.

You only need to reach a satisfactory conclusion for you and the baby you're carrying.

Your position is fair and clear and the fact that he thinks he can browbeat you out of it says nothing good about him.

Neither does the fact that he'll knock you up but not marry you.

He sounds horrible.

SodoffBaldrick · 09/05/2012 21:36

So let me get this straight...

He wants to have his cake - drag his heels over commitment and marriage and delay this for his own reasons... And he wants to eat it too - have the baby take his name.

Is this right? Have you asked him to rationalise this out and explain it to you in a way that shows any compromise at all on his side...? Can he demonstrate exactly what you get out of this arrangement? Hmm

I would calmly ask him to do just that.

He sounds extraordinarily entitled. As if he gets to have the final say on a disagreement Just Because. Well actually he doesn't; you do. So he'd better get his head around that pretty quickly.

CaptainVonTrapp · 09/05/2012 21:37

Does he realise that as the unmarried Father he can't register the birth (unless you're there with him) so it will be your choice? Why don't you 'laughingly' ask him - as he thinks its a bit of a joke.

nancy75 · 09/05/2012 21:37

I'm going to disagree a bit here - what happens if you don't get married for another 5 years or so? Will you then want to change your child's surname? I know my daughter wouldn't be very happy if I suddenly said I was going to change her name (and yes I have a different surname to my dd and it's never been a problem).

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 21:37

We mutually decided to have children first and marriage after but he says things like "down the line" when I bring it up so it could be years from now. I domt mind not being married yet but would like to at least discuss it more and maybe a year.

OP posts:
openerofjars · 09/05/2012 21:38

Tell him in that case he can bloody well change his name to yours. Grr.

Am also pg and hormonal. Sorry if it shows.

AThingInYourLife · 09/05/2012 21:40

Did you "mutually" decide to have children before marriage in the same way you are being expected to "mutually" agree to give your children his name?

This guy has no respect for you. He treats you like an idiot.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 21:41

sodoff great advice, I did say so what about me? He couldn't answer. I willcsay it again if it comes up in a calm manner

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 09/05/2012 21:41

Was it not so that you first mutually decided to get married one day. Then as a compromise, you agreed that you should ttc first, and now that you are pregnant, and tied to him through the baby, he has changed his tune and drags his feet?

He already has commitment from you, in that you are carrying his child and made you emotionally dependent on him. But he does not want to commit to you. He wants you to tiptoe around and yearn for him.

GinPalace · 09/05/2012 21:43

As a pregnant person myself I would just like to chip in that getting upset over something that is upset-worthy is not a 'hormonal' thing - it's a 'there's a problem and I don't like it thing'!

So batting it to one side as a hormonal over-reaction isn't doing justice to the fact that you feel upset over the situation you describe and rightfully so!! It just plays down the fact that actually it isn't good and he does not seem to be hearing your POV (I have only read first 2 pages of thread).

WheresMrMonkey · 09/05/2012 22:39

Completely agree with you! Luckily I married a year before getting pregnant so wasn't an issue. But could not imagine ever having a different name from Dd, would feel horrible dealing with Drs/school etc. I dont understand at all why most unmarried take the mans name- it is generally the women that spend the most time with the child after all. I would put my foot down, firmly. Don't roll over- he cannot force you

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 09/05/2012 22:45

Don't bring it up again - I doubt he will. When it comes to registering the birth simply put your name, calmly and quietly. If he kicks up a huge fuss, walk out - he can't register the birth without you - you can register it without him... you have the 'upper hand' here, not him. He can say NO all he likes, it means fuck all.

He is the one dragging his heels over getting married, not you and tbh there's no way I'd say yes now. I'd register the baby's name the same as mine and later if he proposed I'd consider it then - there's no way I'd be getting married feeling like it was only because he was pushed into it so the baby got to have his name - no fucking way. Life is hard enough without feeling like that.

TheHappyHissy · 09/05/2012 22:55

DON'T EVER give the kids HIS name without being married. You won't be able to change it back if anything untoward happens. Or if you marry someone else, they will always have his name.

IF he wants the name to be his, he can bloody well get married can't he? make him work for the privilege of having children with his name. YOU push em out, YOU name em.

IF you guys marry, you can automatically change the birth certificates and the last names to the family name.

RightBuggerforit · 09/05/2012 23:05

I'm pretty stubborn, what if I told you you have to give them MY name, and I wouldn't back down or take no for an answer? It's the same for him. He can say no 'til he's blue in the face, but it's NOT his choice, it's up to you.

titfortat · 09/05/2012 23:09

FFS, not everyone wants to rush into marriage. Given the stats of divorces rising, is it any wonder? Why is he basically being made out to be a complete twat because he won't marry OP now? Where has she even stated he has point blank refused, ever?

I have been with my partner for 8 years. And still we are only getting married in 2 years. Does that make either one of us less committed to each other? I don't think so.

You don't have to get married to be committed. And I also can't abide all this talk of him being a barsteward just because he wants his child to have his name. No one on this thread is calling the OP the same thing for being just as adamant about wanting the child to have her name.

bronze · 09/05/2012 23:14

Traditionally children always took their mothers name it just came to look like they retool their fathers because normally their mothers were married to their fathers. That's why children of unmarried mothers would have used her maiden name.

PurpleRayne · 09/05/2012 23:19

*So it would be Mr and Mrs Y or Mr S and Dr X."

Nearly right. It would be 'Dr X and Mr S' Grin

PurpleRayne · 09/05/2012 23:22

It is entirely up to you. Where's his respect for you though? If he wants his name used then he could at least acknowledge that it is not his to demand.

titfortat · 09/05/2012 23:28

Maybe he doesn't have the right to demand, but nor should the mother. It takes two to tango. The child has TWO parents. Just because the mother "goes through sickness, pregnancy, and pushing it out" does not, in my eyes, automatically gives her more rights. We all know what having a child entails. You CHOSE to have a child, therefore CHOSE to go through that.

The law lets fathers down if you ask me.

LithaR · 09/05/2012 23:35

in fact you can re register them in his name after you are married, but if you give them his name you can only change it to yours if you can prove by dna that he isn't the father.

Only know this because i had a similar problem but luckily researched my rights before doing anything cause two years on he's barely spoken to me and shows no sign of wanting to marry me.

Just glad i gave my ds my name.

titfortat · 09/05/2012 23:39

Sorry LithaR, but I don't think everything you said is in fact true. My DP had his name changed to the same one as his step father and his siblings when he was 7. His biological father still remained the same.

Happyasapiginshite · 10/05/2012 00:01

I'd end the discussion with DH now. It won't get you anywhere. Men are funny about names, family lines etc, and assume that their children will have their name. Put the discussion to one side for now, you're both in your trenches and there won't be a positive outcome for anyone. But before this baby is born, you need to have the marriage discussion with your DP and get a definite time-scale that you're happy with.

My DH and I were married when I was pg with DH. I never changed my name after marriage and put forward the idea that ds should have my surname (DH has a horrible name that meant he was teased a lot in school , my name is a nice ordinary unremarkable name). DH was apoplectic, to him it was unthinkable that his child wouldn't have his name. I think men just think differently about names than women. Ds ended up with DH's name (and gets teased in school about it) and I have my own name. It doesn't bother any of us that my name is different.