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Original poster

To be very sad I'll be the odd one out again in my family?

239 replies

chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:35

Continuing from my thread in chat about children's surnames. Had the talk with DP about it and said I would prefer my dcs to have my name, he said absolutely no way, they're having my name, they always take the fathers name (he has his mothers name Hmm) etc.

I just feel really down now. I did try and stand my ground and said it's up to me and since we aren't married they could have mine and change to his once we marry, he again said no.

I had a different name from all my family as my parents separated and never married, mother married stepfather and my brother was born.

I guess I'll be the odd one out again :(

OP posts:
titfortat · 09/05/2012 21:16

I don't understand this whole "Marry me or keep it shut" sort of attitude. Both of you are the parents and I feel both of you should have an equal say and come to an equal decision.

Personally, I didn't think twice about it. Both my kids have their fathers last name and I shall be changing mine to the same one in two years time when we get married. For me, I never look at it as though I am the odd one out. I don't even think about it. It is just a name which can easily be changed. And I too had a different name to my mother and half sibling and again, I never felt the "odd one out" then either Hmm

Maybe I am just weird...but I do see us as Mummy, Daddy, and Darling Sons, OUR little family unit. Nobody left out at all.

MerylStrop · 09/05/2012 21:17

why don't you all change your name to something completely different?

alternatively choose one part of his double barrel and add it to yours

he's being a total arse and i don't understand why he is not listening to you

Joiningthegang · 09/05/2012 21:18

I hated mymaiden name, but If I wanted the commitment of marriage, I would give them my name until married.

Think about school - you will be the one writing letters, cheques etc, do you really want a different name?

My friend changed her name so he then didn't marry her (easy to assume they were married), then they split up and she had no rights to everything which was all in his name.

Stand your ground

dondon33 · 09/05/2012 21:18

Chips you can call yourself whatever you want, without much hassle- so why not use his name, obviously so long as he doesn't have a problem with that, then you will all be the same. I know it's not legally done but its a solution until he does want to marry.

DontmindifIdo · 09/05/2012 21:18

Well then, let him say no. You then don't discuss it again, just do what you want when it comes to time to register them. You won't get his permission to change to yours if you split up, so go with yours now, then if he does marry you, then you can change it.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 21:18

Thank you outraged you've made a very hormonal pregnant lady cry! I just worry he'll be really shitty about the whole thing and stress me out. We can always change it to his after we get married, if we ever do.

I really like my name and would be sad to let it go as it's who I am. Maybe I should just give them his name and I'll keep mine :( I'm so torn

OP posts:
fairyfriend · 09/05/2012 21:19

Do you actually have children? If not, why are you so bothered? When you have them, you name them. He has no rights. Though why you'd want kids with such a controlling fuckwit is beyond me.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 09/05/2012 21:19

Agree with Quint, totally. My DS has my surname - totally different circumstances but there's no way he was having my ex's name. Stand your ground.

GoPoldark · 09/05/2012 21:20

Well just keep on saying NO back.

And then say that if he pushes it any further, you won't even put him on the BC.

You ARE compromising. You have said - when we marry, your name will be the family name. Tell him to be careful not to push it too far, or younger chance your name on that one too, and tell him to channel his energies into organising a wedding instead of arguing.

Do NOT give in.

fairyfriend · 09/05/2012 21:20

X-post, I see you're pregnant. Well, you are carrying the child, so you get to name it. He'll be lucky to be named as the father.

GoPoldark · 09/05/2012 21:21

'you may change' not 'younger chance' !!

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 21:21

titfortat people are all different and experience different reactions to things, maybe that's why I felt the odd one out and you didn't

OP posts:
GoPoldark · 09/05/2012 21:24

If he starts bullying you over this, then it's a big heads up that, baby or. I baby, this may not be the man you spend the rest of your life with.

In which case, you REALLY don't want them saddled with his surname in years to come...

GoPoldark · 09/05/2012 21:24

'baby or no baby'

Tch

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 21:24

You have all given me strength, I'm going to keep reading and stand my ground. They'll have my name until we marry.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2012 21:26

There is a strong emotional response to this. I didn't realise why at the time but my DH was really sad that I didn't use his name when we married. He kept asking when I would change it. I asked a while later why he wasn't bothered any more. He said, "I realised that DD had my name and you are the odd one out". He was really sad that we didn't look like a family unit. Now, he gets to be DD's daddy and I can be as feminist as I like.

It is great when DD and I travel internationally BTW. She has a different last name to me, a different nationality and I get some Hmm faces at Immigration Control. Another thing to think about.

titfortat · 09/05/2012 21:26

Well, this is why I said maybe I am odd.

But I don't agree with the way this thread appears to be going. Accusing your DP of being controlling, yet encouraging you to do exactly the same thing. Hypocrisy at its best, which I have seen twice today on this forum.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 21:26

He wasn't aggressive when we were discussing it, he was half laughing saying nope, they're having my name! But then I got all hormonal and left the room. He's been really great so far, looking after me through awful ms. He's just being a complete knobber about this.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 09/05/2012 21:29

titfortat I agree with your sentiments. Manipulating and controlling.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 09/05/2012 21:29

Why are you letting him say no? It's not up to him! He can't have the final say....you must reach a satisfactory conclusion for BOTH of you...

openerofjars · 09/05/2012 21:30

Excuse me, he won't marry you, so why does he think that the baby should have his name? Who died and made him king of everything? Screw this for a lark. He can join you and baby Pea in the name pod when he decides to marry you.

To be honest, though, I'd be having second thoughts about marrying someone who talks to me like that, in your shoes. Right now, you have all the rights, even if he acts as of you don't.

Put your foot down: this is important to you so don't back down. Why are his feelings on the matter somehow so much more important than yours?

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 21:31

I don't want to manipulate him and control him into marrying me, i said that earlier. That would make me feel like shit tbh.

I would like to come to a compromise, the baby will have my name and if we get married it shall get changed to his. Why should baby get his name automatically now after I've been the one going through awful sickness, exhaustion and don't forget pushing it out?!

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheCorner · 09/05/2012 21:31

Just say the same thing back to him..."Nope...my name." and let him deal. He can choose ONE of his names and add it to yours. That's the best answer.

So if his name is John Smith-Hanson and yours is Mary Brown....the child becomes Alex Hanson-Brown. Or Alex Brown-Smith....etc.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 21:32

Well said open

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheCorner · 09/05/2012 21:32

Why would you change the babies name just because you marry?? I can't abide that lne of thinking...marriage is not ownership.