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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be very sad I'll be the odd one out again in my family?

239 replies

chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:35

Continuing from my thread in chat about children's surnames. Had the talk with DP about it and said I would prefer my dcs to have my name, he said absolutely no way, they're having my name, they always take the fathers name (he has his mothers name Hmm) etc.

I just feel really down now. I did try and stand my ground and said it's up to me and since we aren't married they could have mine and change to his once we marry, he again said no.

I had a different name from all my family as my parents separated and never married, mother married stepfather and my brother was born.

I guess I'll be the odd one out again :(

OP posts:
Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 10/05/2012 15:50

I'm not changing my name by bloody deed poll! I dont even like his name that much, mine is very smart, easy to spell and goes with lots of names. His on the other hand is none of those

OP posts:
Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 10/05/2012 15:51

Confused @ Angel...

OP posts:
snappysnappy · 10/05/2012 15:52

Karma So if the OP is Ms Smith and he is Mr Jones Black then calling the baby Smith Black or Jones Smith is not a compromise? I would think its the essence of compromise, No?

fedupofnamechanging · 10/05/2012 15:55

That's what I suggested up thread, snappy (and I think bronze did too), but I think the dp has rejected that idea.

AThingInYourLife · 10/05/2012 15:58

"Well I think the OP should be grateful for a start that the Father WANTS the child to have his name.."

:o

Yes, men are so shit that we should bend over backwards to do whatever they want if they show even a hint of basic humanity.

titfortat · 10/05/2012 15:59

But when has he point blank said he will NOT, EVER, marry her?

Please, someone point it out to me.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 10/05/2012 16:00

I wish I could post our names so you all would see how much they don't go, even taken apart.

Angel he wants this baby and a family just as much as I do, I'm not some girl he knocked up last Tuesday

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 10/05/2012 16:01

SO if you dislike it so much why are you prepared to change your children's names once you are married?
Will you marry and still keep your much nicer name? If so then your kids will still have a different name to you under the terms and conditions you have set.

Why would you agree a compromise which still leaves your children with a different name to you when you are so clear in your OP that you don't want a different name to them.

If this is not about wanting to be married then changing by deed poll is a compromise.

QuintessentialShadows · 10/05/2012 16:05

To be honest, I think the biggest compromise already has come from the op, by agreeing to get pregnant without having a marriage.

She initially wanted, if I remember correctly, marriage before pregnancy. So she has already compromised on this, and now she is expected to compromise further and let the baby have his name, because he is now backtracking on marrying her?

Confused

Anyway.

fedupofnamechanging · 10/05/2012 16:05

Pmsl at the idea that a woman ought to be grateful that he hasn't just knocked her up and buggered off.

Angel, you need to raise your expectations, in life.

AngelWreakinHavoc · 10/05/2012 16:06

chips it wasnt a dig at you personally, i just know many women who have kids who would do anyhing to have their dcs dads be supportive :)

AngelWreakinHavoc · 10/05/2012 16:07

karma I think its a fair point. It wasnt a personal dig. And i have everything out of life I require thank you :)

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 10/05/2012 16:07

I would've preferred to, yes Quint but I really wanted to start my family rather than wait for him to be ready. I guess I didn't feel ready either but I did for dcs. I'm not going to compromise further with someone so stubborn.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 10/05/2012 16:12

You could tell him to change his name by deed poll to yours, then the dc would have his name Wink

titfortat · 10/05/2012 16:18

How the effers is that a compromise?

"I gave up marriage before kids as a compromise for him, but I still wasn't ready anyway for said marriage but was for kids"

Basically, the situation at the time, suited you to the ground.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 10/05/2012 16:22

Because if he had proposed, I would definitely have said yes, I would love to be married to him. But seeing how unenthusiastic he was about marriage kind of rubbed off so I concentrated on starting a family first

OP posts:
titfortat · 10/05/2012 16:29

Maybe it is just me, but I don't see the big almighty rush to get married. I swore I wouldn't get married until I had been with them for years. I had a friend who got married last July, they separated in the October.

Marriage is not everything. The fact my partner puts food on the table, puts a roof over our head, had children with me, and also accepts my family as part of his now, that to me is more than enough commitment. And after 8 years of living together, and having two children, it is only now that we are engaged and arranging a wedding.

Too many divorce rates these days because people are in such a rush to get married not truly knowing the person.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 10/05/2012 16:30

Do you dcs have his name tit?

OP posts:
Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 10/05/2012 16:30

And I totally agree, those things are the most important things.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 10/05/2012 16:35

It's hardly "an almighty rush" to want to be married before you have children.

titfortat · 10/05/2012 16:37

Yes, both my eldest who is 6 years old and my youngest who is 1 year old both have his name. I shall be taking his name on too when we get married in 2 years time. I have also never been questioned at doctors, school, or going abroad about my name being different to theirs.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you should give your child his name and give in. That really is between you and your partner to decide between yourselves. My issue as been with the overall attitude that mens opinions, feelings etc don't count just because we pushed them out which somehow means we are superior to them.

titfortat · 10/05/2012 16:39

No, AThing, it isn't. But wanting to do so within the first, say, 2 years in my opinion, is quick and rushing into it.

fedupofnamechanging · 10/05/2012 16:39

Tbh, I'd rather know someone before having dc . A marriage can be undone, but pick the wrong man to have babies with and the impact is bigger than a divorce.

fedupofnamechanging · 10/05/2012 16:43

OP, if your partner isn't ready to marry you, then I don't think you can count on him definitely being ready in the future. For that reason, I would give the dc your name. If it all works out, then great, but if it doesn't, the kids will have your name still.

titfortat · 10/05/2012 16:44

Exactly Karma. I know of someone who was trying for a baby after being together for only a couple of weeks. Their relationship never planned out and she is glad she didn't fall now.

I just personally don't see the rush in EITHER. If it happens, then lovely. But don't stress over it. Enjoy getting to know each other, being with each other and never forgetting what really matters.