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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very sad I'll be the odd one out again in my family?

239 replies

chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:35

Continuing from my thread in chat about children's surnames. Had the talk with DP about it and said I would prefer my dcs to have my name, he said absolutely no way, they're having my name, they always take the fathers name (he has his mothers name Hmm) etc.

I just feel really down now. I did try and stand my ground and said it's up to me and since we aren't married they could have mine and change to his once we marry, he again said no.

I had a different name from all my family as my parents separated and never married, mother married stepfather and my brother was born.

I guess I'll be the odd one out again :(

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 10/05/2012 09:23

Just to point out that it's not the 'norm' for children of unmarried parents to have the father's name. In the past, if a woman was unmarried, the baby was given her name. Different for married parents, where more women take their husband's name, than not, and therefore the dc automatically get dh's name.

Anyway, just because something is a tradition, it doesn't mean it is a right and enshrined in law.

If I'd had a really lovely name and I'd married, I would have kept my name and given it to my dc - why would I give them a less attractive mane, just because it is their dad's?

fedupofnamechanging · 10/05/2012 09:24

mane = name. My fingers are not as quick as my thoughts!

Bonsoir · 10/05/2012 09:29

Yes, you are right, karmabeliever. The traditional norm is for married parents to share the DH's name and to pass that name alone to their DCs and for children of unmarried parents to take their mother's name only.

juneau · 10/05/2012 09:31

I'd tell him if he wants the kids have his name he should marry you - otherwise they'll take your name. He sounds like a bully TBH.

AngelWreakinHavoc · 10/05/2012 09:55

I agree with titfortat Op is being just as 'Bullyish' As everyone is making her dP to be. If You dont marry me the dc cant have your name! its ridiculus, I have 3 dc I am miss X, My ds1 is Y (has not had contact with his Dad since Birth, but I would never take away his roots and where he came from away from him) My dd and my ds2 are Z (I am no longer with their Dad).

I think it is very important for children to know where they came from, I only found out when I was 13 that my Dad was not my real Dad, And I found out through finding my birth certificate. My Mother had changed my name to My Step Dads Name through deed poll, Although it was only from her maiden name my Real dad was on the birth certificate. I went and found him when I was 25 and now have a great relationship with him.My mothers reasoning was 'he was not a nice person, I have found out since that SHE was not the nice person for keeping us apart for all those years!

My dp now, has a Son and his name is on birth certificate, His ex has tried through court even to get her son to use her name and even the court agrees he should have his Dads name, He is the last male in the family bloodline and only he can carry the name on.

I think YABU.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 10/05/2012 10:09

Ok so now I'm a bully? Confused

I don't want to marry him just so I have the same name as my family. I want to marry him because I love him and want to be with him until I die, hence why I'm having his children. He's a very lovely man. He just wants his dc to have his name, I don't think that makes him a bully either.

I'm sure we'll come to a compromise. He's much better at discussing after he's thought things through for a bit

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/05/2012 10:10

OP isn't saying that the dc can't have his name unless he marries her though Angel. She has said that more than once.

titfortat · 10/05/2012 10:12

Oh, and as for the argument that fathers can bail out, so can mothers. Just because we push them out, does not mean a jot to some women.

Either parent can bail. Does that mean women should also have rights taken away? They should BOTH have equal rights, unless proved that either one is incapable of putting the Childs best interests first.

You get women also using the current system against fathers. This isn't fair. Something needs to change.

Yes, everyone is right. He should not demand. But nor should you. You are both the parents, in a partnership together, and should be working together and that includes coming to a MUTUAL decision which you are both happy with.

titfortat · 10/05/2012 10:14

I don't think she was saying you was bullying him. But, most of the posters on here have criticized HIM on his behaviour, but yet encouraging YOU to do the same which really is hypocrisy at its best.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/05/2012 10:19

The law gives the Mother the last say on this for a reason.

titfortat · 10/05/2012 10:33

And what about those decent, honest, loving fathers who, in the eyes of the law, have no say? They may as well be just a sperm donor.

titfortat · 10/05/2012 10:35

The law may be there to protect women in certain cases, but I don't agree with it being used against good fathers like some sort of weapon

DuelingFanjo · 10/05/2012 10:42

Why not change your name to his by deed poll, then you will all have the same name.

MissCoffeeNWine · 10/05/2012 10:44

I have read this with interest.

I want my DC to have my name. I don't want to get married. I'm just like the OP's DP but I'm also female. Is it different for me?

I have a DP who would love to marry me but I don't want to be married. I'm also pregnant, so it's very relevant right now.

Do the same suggestions apply now the sexes are reversed? Should my DP stand his ground and refuse to let the DC have my name until I agree to marry him?

AngelWreakinHavoc · 10/05/2012 10:50

I was not saying You were bullying him OP Im saying your behaviour is as Bullyish as what other posters are saying his is.

Fathers have very little rights in this country and it is dispicable.

littleducks · 10/05/2012 10:50

You can call your children anything you like.

Im Ms A, dh is Mr B. Our kids our little Cs.

They do have B as a middle name, on my insistence as dh would be more likely to take them abroad alone than me and I thought it might save hassle, also B is used as a first and surname. Dh wasn't too keen but its there unused but could be used if ever required.

The school call me Mrs C, occassionally afterschool clubs and I don't correct them so I do sneakily use there name for a sense of belonging.

In fact I put firstname C, on my driving licence as 'also known as' but professionally and academically I am very much Ms A.

HipHopOpotomus · 10/05/2012 10:51

tell him you have decided to stick with FAMILY tradition and have the children take their mothers name (isn't that what name you said he has OP?)

MarySA · 10/05/2012 10:52

I've tried to read this thread and make some sense of it. In the end people must do what they think is best for them and their children. I thought it was best for me and my children to be married before I had children. But that was a long time ago and things have changed.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/05/2012 10:56

Titfortat, then the Mother gets to be the judge of whether they are a decent, honest loving father. Like I did with my ex (story above).

I agree it shouldn't be used against fathers as some kind of weapon, but as so many parents can't always agree on things, the weight of the law has to come down on one side or the other. And as there are more feckless fathers than there are feckless mothers, and mothers are more usually the primary carer, I think it's right that the law works for Mothers

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 10/05/2012 10:56

Why is that better for children, Mary? Does marriage guarantee no neglect or abuse?

OP posts:
badtasteflump · 10/05/2012 11:02

Sorry but I would be equalling fucking stubborn then.

He can't enforce the baby having his name, legally you can (having yours). So how does that make his wishes more important than yours?

Tell him this is very important to you. You want to share the same name as your baby - so that means either you get married, or the baby has your name. Be just as stubborn as him.

Ephiny · 10/05/2012 11:03

Does he realise it's not actually his choice? That as you're unmarried, only you as the mother can register your baby? He can be as 'adamant' about it as he likes, say 'no' as much as he wants, but he doesn't actually have any authority to make that decision on his own.

If he feels so strongly about this, he should be trying to explain his reasoning and ask you to consider his request, not demanding and insisting. You should not be the one asking him!

Ephiny · 10/05/2012 11:08

I would also be a bit unsure about marrying or having a child with someone who thinks everything will be done his way, simply because he says so, and isn't prepared to discuss or compromise or consider your feelings or point of view.

Is this a one-off issue, or does it reflect how he is in general?

MarySA · 10/05/2012 11:12

I just think that the type of person I am that it was better for the children. And my parents wouldn't have approved of us not being married. Neither would DH's. That's just the way it is. I think marriage does give committment. It's not just a piece of paper, it's a declaration in front of friends and family that you have decided to become a partnership. I entirely appreciate that a lot of people don't agree with marriage and that's up to them. And I agree with people who are saying the OP should say the baby has her name unless her DP marries her and then he/she can have his name. And of course marriage doesn't guarantee no neglect or abuse.

bubby64 · 10/05/2012 11:16

If you are not married, it is always easier for the DC to have their mothers name, especially witth schools etc, as you will legally be first in line as far as parental responsibility is concerned, also, yes, it will be easy for them to change name to your DP when(!) you get marrried. However - make sure that you both go together to register the child, as my friend didn't, and , against her wishes, her (now Ex) DP registered the baby with his surname, and she has had to go and change this since, which is a pain!