Am I being unreasonable telling my 17yr old daughter not to date a boy who was once a girl?

[Worcsmumoftwo]

My 17 year old has been seeing her first boyfriend, he is 23, and has confided in her that he was born a girl, she has sworn me and her best friend to secrecy but wants to make a go of things - I am really not comfortable with the situation and even asked her if maybe she felt she was gay and that was fine, but she denies this - advice please.

Have you tried looking for more specialist sites at all?

If this is true then mind you own business and let your child make their own decisions. If she chooses to continue this relationship then she may resent you for this negative view.

Can you tell a 17 YO who they can see?

I wouldn't have liked your chances with me when I was 17.

It's normal to want to protect them from all sorts of things, real and imagined, but this isn't any of your business.

Her first relationship at 17? It will be over as quickly as this thread gets deleted.

Ps your "comfort" has fuck all to do with anything and should not be a consideration here.

If he looks male and your daughter fancies him, then she couldn't be gay, could she?

She is seeing the person behind the label.

I would second you on educating yourself on transgender.

If your daughter is happy to date a transexual, surely it's a credit to you someone else that she's grown up such an open minded individual?
It's unlikely at 17 that she's going to spend the rest of her life with her partner, whatever the sex, so let her just enjoy herself, find her own sexuality & be there for her if things go tits up.

Thats why Im asking I am being honest I am a totally out of my depth here - - thanks for your kind comments

So what if she was gay anyway? I wish I was as grown up as your dd when I was 17.

None of your business who your 17 year old daughter befriends, or the nature of the friendship.

There is no need for insults, as 'right on' and open minded as any of us think that we are, it can still be a surprise when anything outside of the 'norm' comes into our lives.

The OP is asking for advice.

why would you tell her not to see him? what are your reasons?

Birds, that's why I'm asking if the OP has tried some sites which might have parents with experience of this. I'm sure that there is stuff out there.

Agree with birds poor OP is not saying she hates transgendered people- she's explicitly asking for advice and admitting it makes her feel uncomfortable and out of her depth. Good for you OP admitting that as a starter and hope you do get some decent, helpful, thoughtful advice that helps on this thread.

Which would be better than using AIBU for this, although the agruements that follow will be informative.

There was a thread not so long ago about transgender.

Because she is in a vulnerable position recovering from anorexia (involving a 5 month stay in hospital) he obviously has his own issues too but as you all say I have to let her do her own thing and be there to pick up the pieces again .

'as 'right on' and open minded as any of us think that we are, it can still be a surprise when anything outside of the 'norm' comes into our lives.'

And you can't help your initial thoughts/feelings on whatever it is, but there's a difference between telling your DD who she can or can't see, and giving her advice (which she can choose to take or not take) if she asks.

If you go in trying to make her do what you think is best, she's going to back off and not tell you anything ever again.

Best of luck telling your DD anything. If you really want to drive a wedge between you, that's the way to go.
It is unlikely she is gay - she thought her BF was a man, and to all intents and purposes, he now is. But he will of course be infertile - I'm sure your DD realises this though.

In the end, at 17, she is able to make her own choices and you should do your best to support her - and if it turns out that she is gay, so what anyway?

Someone I was friends with at school became a man in her 20s - she is now happily married, to a woman - does it really matter if the woman in question is fully hetero or homosexual? No! Of course it doesn't. They're a happy couple, that's worth a lot.

If I am honest I would worry that my daughter would be stigmatised by association. So I can see why you're uncomfortable. Over the internet we can not really assess if theirs is a good relationship and if he is a good person. Which probably matters more.

I will go have a search on "transgender" thanks again

'he obviously has his own issues too'

Everyone has their own issues, a relationship between two people with issues doesn't have to add up to twice the issues, they can be more than the sum of their parts and better off for the support they can give and get from each other.

Worcs, have a look at the Beaumont Society, they may have useful links.

some of you may need to take a walk in the OP's shoes. .

The OP's daughter is just 17. I would certainly be shocked if my DD was going out with a 23yr old (firstly) as a first partner and surprised, but supportive if the person was transgender. I suspect the OP's comfort or lack thereof comes through shock and not knowing how to react without provoking reaction from Dd.

Reading up would help OP. Show support. Ask your DD how she feels and be there for her if it goes tits up and she just needs a mums cuddle to help her get over it.

Do you think she likes the risqué nature of it or is embarrassed (given her boyfriend has sworn her to secrecy). How is he in other ways? Nice?