Am I being unreasonable telling my 17yr old daughter not to date a boy who was once a girl?

[Worcsmumoftwo]

My 17 year old has been seeing her first boyfriend, he is 23, and has confided in her that he was born a girl, she has sworn me and her best friend to secrecy but wants to make a go of things - I am really not comfortable with the situation and even asked her if maybe she felt she was gay and that was fine, but she denies this - advice please.

Aitch - The bf in question might be a really sorted person, you are right we don't know. But transexuals as a group do have a much much higher suicide rate both pre and post operative, and many transexuals suffer lots of discrimination including abuse and violence. So I can understand the concern for a very vulnerable 17 year old who has recently had major issues with anorexia.

true story, but i'm not as sure about female-to-male being as unsuccessful or prone to depression. i don't think it's terribly useful to lump all transexuals together in that respect. passing is much easier for former females, as i understand it.

Fair point Aitch. Most of the research has been done on MtoF. And if the bf passes, of course abudse, etc is far less likely. Lots of posters have also commented on the age difference as an issue of concern with a vulnerable DD. Of course this bf might be great for OP's DD, but in her position I would have concerns until I met the bf and knew if they were justified

Throw your door open to him, if he is nice then that's great. It's the person not the identity.

i think if i had a daughter who was just coming out of five years of anorexia i would be concerned as to the character of any boyfriend, full stop. that's far from unreasonable. but as i said before, i would think the fact that she would absolutely not get pregnant (esp with returning menstruation etc being erratic) would be a huge plus for me.
the OP will have to get to know him, that's all. but should she forbid them from seeing each other, as per her post? no way. that would be the dumbest thing she could do.

"but it is not that dissimilar to any other relationship, in that it's unknown territory and the person could be wildly fucked-up or very nice. i don't get how being born in the right gender makes you unlikely to have issues. if anything, someone who has done the amount of thinking they have will likely be more evolved than the average 23 year old lunkhead."

Oh, of course it's different to anyother relationship!he could be lovely, he could be fucked up just like any other man- with the added complication of having started life as a girl.

Let her make a go of it. She's 17, I'm sure she will make up her own mind.

How many people saying that they can't see why this could be difficult actually have teenage daughters?

lol, i love that. like being the mother of a teenage daughter is the clincher. i WAS a teenage daughter.

I think it's pretty patronising to assume that someone who doesn't have a teenage daughter can't know for sure whether or not they would feel the same way in the OP's situation. I don't care how other people choose to label themselves, as long as they're nice people who respect the feelings of those around them. If I had a teenager who got into a relationship with a transgendered person I would not give two figs. If my boys maybe grow up to be gay, I doubt I'll care. If one or either of them are transgendered themselves then they'll be supported and loved through the difficult changes in their lives, and I'd be happy if they were happy. Just because they aren't teenagers yet doesn't mean I can't think about how I would feel in certain situations.

Truth is you can't live your daughters life... She has to live her own and whatever happens that's the way people learn. Obviously your concerned and that's normal but you can't stop her and he might be a great guy. You have to let her experience life for herself.

You're even ...

I'd be concerned.

Gender dysphoria is a medical condition. It involves a feeling that your body does not match your internal gender identity. It then involves the idea (sanctioned by society) for some people that you should change your body to match your internal feelings.

Anorexia is a medical condition. It involves a feeling the your body does not match your internal idea of yourself. It then involves the idea for people with anorexia that you should your body to match your internal feelings. This is generally not sanctioned by society and considered to be a very dangerous idea.

I would have thought a person who had been through (and may still be going through) gender dysphoria dating a person who has just been through anorexia, and is therefore in a much more vulnerable position are going to have a range of viewpoints about the human body that may not be very helpful in overcoming anorexia.

Of course the OP shouldn't try and stop her DD seeing this bf. But given how vulnerable her DD is I do understand her concern about the possible complications and especially about the age difference. But all she can do is get to know the bf and be there if it all goes wrong

It's not the clincher. Of course it's not. But it's a bit less theoretical if you have.

I would be perfectly happy if my children were gay, straight, both or neither. But I want their relationships- particularly their first ones, to be as unproblematic as possible, sexually, psychologically and socially. I would like their first experiments with sex to be as simple and straightforward as possible. And a man 6 years older who used to be a girl, however lovely, is unlikely to tick all those boxes. So this is not what I would choose. Of course it wouldn't be my choice and I would support my children in their choices, but I would be concerned. And I challenge Nyone to honestly say they disagree.

I think OP has had an unduly hard time. I would be worried about this. I confess I don't know anyone who has gone through this (gender reassignment or whatever is the appropriate term - it seems as though that might not be the right term in some circs). But it does seem to me that that is some pretty major stuff to go through and I tend to think one could still be immensely troubled by it all at that age. I would be worried about this man trying out his (possibly new?) persona and working out how to be and I suppose most of us would not want our vulnerable 17 yo to be the person he works it through with.

Perhaps he's astonishingly mature or went through this a long time ago and has already come to terms with his masculinity in relationships but we don't know that so yes, it would worry me.

Sorry, that's not very practical advice and I don't think there's much the OP can do anyway other than be supportive but I would be worried too.

but it's all theoretical, you don't have a clue what the OP's dd is like.

it's moot at this stage - with a child who has never had a relationship before and is coming out of years of anorexia, you'd be concerned anyway. and then you'd find out if she's dating a prick/nice guy/sorted guy/fuck up and then you'd be either more or less concerned.

Yes its theoretical. But generally people are saying they can understand the OP being concerned, but it might be fine. Just saying the OP has no validity forher concerns at all, seems kind of cruel and ignoring the concerns/questions most of us would have

hmm. to be fair to everyone who's posted, it does sound, if you read the OP, that she was just a bit prejudiced. i think that's what a lot of people were responding to.

no matter, she's gone to find out a bit more about transgendery stuff, and this will hopefully open up lines of communication with her dd and her boyfriend.

I don't think she sounds prejudiced. She does sound like she doesn't know much about transgender issues but then, nor do I and probably nor do most people. Not knowing about something doesn't necessarily mean prejudice. I salute her for coming on her to ask for advice.

And I do think she's possibly right to be concerned. Depending on where the man is with his journey.

meh, you don't, i do. i think saying she's not comfortable, asking her daughter if she was gay and saying 'but she denies this' plus the notion that she would forbid the relationship does suggest prejudice, and i imagine that informed some of the responses she got.

I can tell you do aitch, but that's not the point.

?

sorry, posted too soon.

I think OP was on the wrong track with the gay thing but perhaps knows that now. But even aside from that, I would be concerned about the emotional trauma that this man may have gone through and may still be working through. We don't know when the reassignment (?) happened or how he feels about his gender now. Did he go through his teenage years as a girl and is only now being a man in a relationship? Did he know from an early age that he was in the wrong gender? Does he feel the need to prove himself as a man or has the trauma he must have suffered made him accepting of his own and others' limitations and therefore have no need to prove anything? There's a lot to understand here.

Sorry, this is not at all helpful to the OP. Just if I were her, this is what I'd want to know and you may not get to know that about your daughter's boyfriend, expecially if you've beeen sworn to secrecy. Worcs - just thinking aloud here and sorry to be unhelpful, practically.