Am I being unreasonable telling my 17yr old daughter not to date a boy who was once a girl?

[Worcsmumoftwo]

My 17 year old has been seeing her first boyfriend, he is 23, and has confided in her that he was born a girl, she has sworn me and her best friend to secrecy but wants to make a go of things - I am really not comfortable with the situation and even asked her if maybe she felt she was gay and that was fine, but she denies this - advice please.

UABVVU.
End Of.

Agree with Seeker on this one. Through no fault of his own the guy has obviously been through a lot for someone still so young and obviously has a few issues. He could potentially be quite damaged and damaged people have an unfortunate propensity for making others miserable in my very personal experience. I wouldn't try to dictate who she could or couldn't see and the gender thing isn't the issue (trying to think of something comparable) but I would much rather see her in a straightforward relationship with someone closer to her own age . But what we want for our children and what they want are completely different things, usually.

let's be honest, everyone starts off female
that's why men have nipples

This is true!

I agree with seeker too. I would be concerned if this were my 17yo daughter's first relationship.

My 17 year olds boyfriend is 21 next week.

He is lovely, much better than the immature spotty oik she dated before him.

there's a big part of me that would just be grateful that she won't get pregnant, tbh. i do think you should have a good think about what your worries are, though... if it's that you think your daughter might be attracted to people who used to be/perhaps still are reproductively speaking female, you need to look at yourself. if it's that he's unusual and this bothers you, likewise. if you just have a bad feeling about the lad himself, that's different.

Wow, I can't believe everyone is so shocked that a 17 yo would go out with a 23 year old! When I was 17 I went out with 27 yo! We've been together 19 years now. Most of my friends also went out with older blokes, teenage boys ain't all that!

I can see that it would be a shock that her boyfriend was transgender. Have you met him? I wouldn't judge him till I'd had a chance to get to know him properly, the same as I would any person.

Ok.

So you are all saying that a 23 year old man who used to be a girl is exactly the same as any other 23 year old bloke?.

"He" will never be able to father children, that is the single biggest issue I would think, it would be an absolute non-starter for most women (who want children).
The daughter sounds very vulnerable and has her own issues, a relationship with someone with even bigger issues would seem like a very bad idea in regards to her own mental health

If this man has completed his sexchange, then there is absolutely NO need to call him "he".

he might be a LOT nicer, i think, and have excellent insight into what a young girl feels like. i wonder what his family situation is like, if he's had nice supportive parents i'd feel like dd was onto a total winner for a first relationship.

As a young person who has been through a lot more than kmost his age, and who would ahve to be at least fairly open mined- he may be just what your daughter needs.
There's a lot of 'normal' males out there who turn out to be abusive and controlling- at least he's up front with his issues.
And if they are in it for the long haul- it will be a bit more difficult for them to conceive (if that's even what both of them want) but not impossible. She might also meet a 'normal' man with fertility issues.

She's not gay. She fancies a bloke.

Yes, he had issues. But people have to go through a lot of psycho stuff before they have the op, so don't stress about his 'issues'.

Let them be. He might turn out to be a very understanding person with regard to her own problems.

The OP doesn't know if he has been through the whole process yet. At 23 it would be unlikely that he has.

But it isn't worth speculating on that part. The OP is reaserching transgender and then she can make sure that she is asking questions in a sensitive way.

There are videos of the opperations and information about the treatments, available.

The fertility issues don't have to be considered at this stage, anyone can find themselves infertile and in these circumstances the partner is going to be aware fromday one that any aspect of life isn't going to be 'conventional'. So the shock aspect isn't going to be there.

It may not be a sex change - there are a lot of genetic conditions where gender is somewhat indeterminate and parents end up choosing one for their child, who then decides to flip into another identity. I am not sure we should be hung up on all this - you love a person, not their genitals, and it may not be the problem you think it is.

it's unlikely to be a problem because she's only 17 and the chances of this being her one great love are fairly remote. a nice boy that definitely cannot father a child and, er, if they're having sex is going to have to be good at foreplay would have been pretty much my perfect first boyfriend. that's assuming he's nice, that is. but any 23 year old male could be a shit, that's just that chance you take in love.

in fact thinking about it, his male infertility may be part of the attraction if she became anorexic as a way of delaying fertility and growing up etc. that may be good or bad, who knows? (and yes, i am definitely jumping through hoops there, no idea if that has anything to do with her illness, but her mother will.)

Where is the op?

Even if he hasn't finished/embarked upon reassignment surgery referring to him as "he" is completely un-fucking-acceptable.

Commander, he is a "he." He used to be a girl, and is now a man.

I think you've got it back to front.

Think Commander was praps meaning he is he, and putting speech marks round it is insulting.

Pre-operative transsexuals are ALWAYS called by the gender that they are inside and are physically transitioning into, ie a male-to-female TS must be called her and she. What IS 'absolutely un-fucking-acceptable' is to refer to them as anything else. This is a recognised medical condition (autopsies on transsexuals show that they have the brains and brain chemistry of the sex they always believed themselves to be) and who is it hurting to show some common human decency and consideration to a person whose whole life must have been one of confusion, anguish, turmoil, feeling like an outsider, not being able to ever be your true self and people denying that truth, treating them like a freak, rejecting them, etc.? Shame on you, Commander Shepard.

i think CommanderS meant the same, Oxfordbags. seemed to me the objection was to the quote marks, not the he.

Commander Shepard is not the one you should be angry at, Oxfordbags.
Mal is the one who called the boyfriend "he" as if there were some doubt as to his sex - Commander Shepard was picking it up, as I did.