Am I being unreasonable telling my 17yr old daughter not to date a boy who was once a girl?

[Worcsmumoftwo]

My 17 year old has been seeing her first boyfriend, he is 23, and has confided in her that he was born a girl, she has sworn me and her best friend to secrecy but wants to make a go of things - I am really not comfortable with the situation and even asked her if maybe she felt she was gay and that was fine, but she denies this - advice please.

"Because she is in a vulnerable position recovering from anorexia (involving a 5 month stay in hospital) he obviously has his own issues too but as you all say I have to let her do her own thing and be there to pick up the pieces again ."

her vulnerability makes her vulnerable in any relationship. a man born male can hurt her just as much as a man born female could.

why do you think this man has 'issues'? it's clear that at some point he did have issues with his gender and he sought counselling and a course of action that he felt would make him the best and happiest version of himself. what makes you think he still has issues now? has he said he has? has your dd said he has?

A revelation like this would come as a bit of a surprise to most parents, I imagine. I can appreciate your need to discuss it, OP.

Two positives: it's nice that your daughter felt she could trust you with this, and I think it reflects well on the boyfriend that he has been upfront with your daughter.

My advice: be understanding, be kind.

AgentZigzag, that's definitely true, but it's also true that anxious perfectionists like teenage girls with eating disorders can be drawn to unhealthy relationships with people they want to 'help'. I don't mean to particularly pinpoint transgenderism, but I think it's natural as a parent to worry that your emotionally vulnerable daughter might be biting off more than they can chew, and be getting drawn into codependency or something similar. I'd say the same if the boyfriend suffered from depression, or had a difficult family background etc. You just don't want to see them out of their depth.

Of course, everything might be tickety-boo, but I can understand the concern. I can also see that you can't 'forbid' a seventeen year old to see anyone.

For most people there are ongoing issues, because you have to 're-invent' yourself to people. They are 'sworn to secrecy' to start off with.

As you get to know people, it is natural to ask about school, what sports were played etc, obviously for many that information will no longer tally.

It isn't a case of 'chop your bits off' an life's fine and dandy. But that is to individual to be open to discussion on the internet by strangers.

They would then have to tell the lie about infertility etc. The OP hasn't stated if he is fully through the process of coming under the Gender Recognition Act, so lots of questions must be going around in the OP's mind.

I'm secretly hoping for a situation like my own where she does end up with the first person she starting dating at 17, harr harr.

And of course the OPs DD being vulnerable would just intensify the protective feelings the OP has for her BoF.

But if anorexia has an element of control within it, trying to make her feel powerless (even if it's just implied in the form of subtle pressure/disapproval) would be counterproductive.

Anorexia is more than just general teenage 'pissed-off-at-the-whole-world syndrome', but the DD just coming through it doesn't give the OP any more authority over her. (and I'm going on how I was at 17 rather than how I'll feel about DD1 when she's 17 - which I know will make me have a complete turnaround )

aribura? you are secretly hoping that OP's DD does stay with this man? why? what difference does it make to you?

That's a good point, Agent. Coming down like a ton of bricks will probably backfire bigtime.

I'd be a hell of a lot more concerned about a 17 year old seeing a 23 year old. Six years is more than a THIRD of her age.

In the manner of parents everywhere, however, I'd pretend to be absolutely fine about it so as not to push her further towards him

• Just realised my hypocrisy there, as XH2 was 10 years younger than me at 30. I still think it matters more at 17, though.

I agree with you garlic - my best friend was going out with a 23yo at 17, and her mum was a bit about it - lasted 3 years, but then petered out.

At 17 I thought 17 YO lads were spotty oiks, and of course I was dead mature to see someone older than me

The difference between 17 and 23 isn't that huge, not all the time.

I've PMed you, Zigzag.

I'm another who is worried about a 17 year old dating a 23 year old and also considering the hypocrisy as I am 10 years older than my ex.

Also how long does the process of changing gender take and when can it start?

I would fully embrace it if you can and make sure he is welcome in your house so you get to know him too - more to do with the age gap really so you can see the dynamic between them as the relationship evolves - it may come to nothing, it may be dramatic and your daughter may need you, it may end up being "the one" and he the best thing that ever happened and you son in law - just like any relationship. The only red flag I see is the age gap - which as she gets older will mean less but at 17 it means more iyswim

OP I'd listen to the supportive comments on here and ignore some of the more vitriolic ones. If the boyfriend has already realised/accepted who he is, then it will be better for your DD presumably anyway - it suggests he has a loving, caring and supportive family, or at least has the confidence and strength to be true to himself without being swayed by what's 'easy' or what everyone else is doing! And he has been honest with your daughter and she has confided in you.

There's nothing worse at 17 than dating someone who has 'issues' they are keeping a secret, especially if they are trying to come to terms with those whilst you are also going through 'stuff'. Let's face it, how many of us don't have some sort of 'issue' at 17? We're often only beginning to see ourselves through our own eyes, rather than our parents at that stage. And if, as someone else suggested, she is enjoying an element of the 'risque' or unconventional about it, then that's fine too - she's 17.

When I was 19 (nearly 20 years ago) I went out with a man who was 21. He now lives as a woman and has a very successful career working with young people (i.e. she's 'normal' and has CRB clearance and everything ). I would imagine she'd rather have resolved this aspect of her life earlier on before she took herself off to live in the middle of nowhere to get away from prying eyes and other people's expectations.

Just accept him for who he is. If he is a nice man and treats your daughter well and with respect then great. Don't let this one aspect of him define who he is for you.

My only caveat to this would be that when I was 17/18 I did know a few lads who 'pretended' to be gay or transgendered because they thought it was 'cool' and subversive (androgynous males are quite common in the alternative scene). However, they were primarily only interested in themselves (and generally younger than 23) and relationships with anyone were superficial and short lived so that would be nothing to worry about anyway!

Worcsmumoftwo I don't think you are being unreasonable in your uncertainty of something unknown and new to you. But I do hope you have changed the details, as your dd was sworn to secrecy.
The boy could be intersex rather than trangender, so here is another link to read about the differance in the two.
www.isna.org/faq/patient-centered

It is great your dd trusts you with this, you must be doing something right! :) I was 17 when I happened to read Canary by Canary Conn, before that, I had not heard of sex changes.
Try and get to know the guy as a person, his sexuality shouldn't make that much difference. If he is a good person that is what matters most.

I'd be worried about a particularly vulnerable 17 year old dating a 23 year old. Much less so about the transgender aspect, just about the difference in emotional maturity.

I understand your concern. Your worried about her vulnerability and this is something you haven't come across. Personally I think telling her she cannot see him, will only push her closer. His background does not make him anymore likely to hurt her than someone who was born a boy. Often its good for someone who has past issues to have someone who also has issues. It may make her feel more normal, to know she isn't the only one with problems. Although this person may be dealing with everything really well and feel there isn't a problem, in which case your dd could see that you can move on and and these things don't define you. Have you even met her boyfriend? How do you know you should be worried? Also you can't say 'are you gay? Because that's ok, but you cannot be with someone who was a girl'. Its a massive contradiction.
In short, I get you are concerned and its a completely new situation and you don't know what's best, but you are only looking at the negatives. Get to know this person and support your dd, this person could have an amazing influence on your dd. He is no more likely to hurt her than anyone else.

Personally, it sounds like it is more worry about your daughter than someone being transgender, and given her position emotionally and physically I think you would be hyper analyzing any potential relationship and finding it lacking.

However, this man will have his own issues which he has proactively worked towards resolving, he will have faced ridicule, discrimination and a battle in being accepted for who he is on a level that neither you or our daughter can understand, and to top this off he will have battled with his body image, perhaps gone through some of the same feelings that your daughter will have about disgust and your body not living up to the expectations you have of yourself.

It could be that he is in a really good position to provide a steady example of how you can work through issues and come out the other side.

I had a very good friend in school who struggled with their gender and sexual identity, he later lived his life as a woman, but not as early as this man, I think your daughter may have found a really strong and powerful emotional support in this man...

He could always turn out to be a nobber, but there is not much you can do to stop that happening.

Find out what you can about being transgender, but get involved, meet him, ask appropriate questions when you are both comfortable, and most of all trust your daughter to know what she needs right now.

She sounds like an amazing person by the way, I am sure you are already proud

I understand why this would bea shock to you, but it's really none of your businesss what this person's sex was. Your daughter will lose respect for you if your only objection is the sex of the person.

I think his birth gender is utterly irrelevant. He is transgender, he has always thought of himself as male, therefore is male. Your daughter is not gay, as she is dating a man. If the issue is the age difference, then she is still over the age of consent. At 17, I dated older people. I understand that this situation is out with the "norm" but I think you should be supportive. Your dd trusts you enough to tell you this, and I think that alone is great

For what it's worth, I am gay and when I was in my early 20s I dated a female to male transgender man. This didn't make me straight, but sexuality is a broad spectrum. The man I went out with, albeit briefly, was lovely. The strength it took him to live as he felt was amazing. He faced the challenges of being to every single day. He was wonderful to know as he was so strong. I took a great lesson in humanity from that relationship. Goodluck to you and your dd

I have a 16 year old dd. I would be concerned if she was going out with a man 6 years older than her.

I would also be concerned if anyone she went out with had any features that might potentially make that relationship more complicated. early relationships are tough enough without adding extra dimensions.

But the best possible thing to doi is to keep the channels of communication open. And do more listening than talking.

I dont get this ? if he had been born female and is now male ( assuming he has undergone the treatment to sex change ) , why on earth would you think your DD is gay ? And if she isnt why would you mind her going out with a bloke ?

Because obviously a 23 year old man who was once a girl is exactly the same as any other 23 year old bloke. There are never going to be any issues or complications psychologically, socially or sexually in this relationship that might give a 17 year old's mother the remotest cause for a moment's concern.