Am I being unreasonable telling my 17yr old daughter not to date a boy who was once a girl?

[Worcsmumoftwo]

My 17 year old has been seeing her first boyfriend, he is 23, and has confided in her that he was born a girl, she has sworn me and her best friend to secrecy but wants to make a go of things - I am really not comfortable with the situation and even asked her if maybe she felt she was gay and that was fine, but she denies this - advice please.

Of course they have 'issues, most people do. All I see from your posts is two people who have lived through some incredibly hard pasts & who have come out the other side new people.

Who better to understand your battle than someone who has battled themselves?

I met my now dh when I was 15. He was 21. We have been married 18yrs this year...what's the deal with the age gap?

Have you met him?

TBH I understand your concerns. I don't think that this means your DD is gay. But I would be worried about a vulnerable 17 year old just recovering from anorexia dating as their first bf a "man" much older than her and who has "his" own issues to deal with. You would want the first bf to be uncomplicated and straightforward in this type of situation.

But I don't think you can try and forbid her. That will just make the relationship seem more attractive. All you can do is support her and be there for her if there are any problems.

And for the record, feminists often use "he" or "man" if tehy believe that it is not really possible to chnage your sex. There is loads of feminist theory on this - for and against this position. But it is a theoretical approach, not just someone being rude or ignorant for the sake of it

Sorry theoretical approach is wrong - more an approach based on feminist analysis

your DD like the person regardless of any dangly bits leave her alone support her you dont have to like her boyfriend and i know you want to protect her but please dont try and ram your views down her throat . and as somebody else said it may be over as soon as it began

Op, as others have said, find out what you can about transgender issues. I understand your concern for your daughter because of her mental health but it is entirely likely that together, she and her new beau, will help each other.

Why do people feel the need to get so uptight about labels and putting people in boxes? What you should be most concerned about here is whether your daughter has found someone who treats her right.

I think if you are completely honest with yourself, your discomfort arises from prejudice. So you need to look at that and try to see that those feelings are not reasonable and dismiss them, then maybe you'll start to feel better about the situation. Because from your post, the issue here is that the boyfriend is trans gender and not that you are concerned about how he treats your dd, because that is what is in your thread title and subsequent post.

She is just as likely to get hurt by someone who was not trans gender. And even if she was gay (doesn't sound like she is) - why would that matter either?

ACK! I worded my comment ridiculously badly. What I meant was he is he, not "he" or (s)he or any permutation thereof. Would've helped if I'd actually clarified that I was responding to Malificence's '"He" will never be able to have children' remark.

Note to self: no posting when the red mist is descending.

You are and you are not unreasonable. YANBU in how you feel, your feelings are your own and I can imagine you are not comfortable with the situation (most of us deep down want for our children someone of the opposite sex, of similar age, able to provide security and children). But YWBVU to stand in your dd's way. She's fallen in love with a person, not their sexuality.

One of my closest friends has a child who first expressed her preferred gender aged 2 and now 6 years later is just as sure. It's lovely to see her blossom in a chosen gender and I really wouldn't like the parents of potential boyfriends to get in the way of her happiness.

The only people who should put people in boxes are undertakers...

If your daughter is happy with this person (he/she doesn't matter) then that is the main thing.

However, it is worth noting that her ability to have children by this person is non existant... is that ok with her? I am not saying she should be in a rush to have kids, but it could be a sticking point for further development of her relationship.

Likewise, is she ready to 'step out' with her partner? Is she prepared to say 'this is my partner, I will stand by them' when those less open minded start to cackle?

oh and stop any suggestions that your dd is gay - that's just being daft x

It isn't just a label though. Transgender people have much much higher rates of suicide pre and post operative for a range of reasons including discrimination. They will also have had some struggle with their gender as being born a girl but feeling you are a boy would be a difficult situation in anyone's book.

The bf may be very very stable and sorted. But I do understand the OP's concern when her DD is so vulnerable.

IMO some people are so concerned to be right on that they ignore any of the possible issues.

Eatsbrains - I'm sure you can see the irony in your latest post re. discrimination and your assertion that it isn't necessarily rude to call a F->M transgender person "he" rather than he? Or perhaps not.

23? I always thought that all the counselling and suchlike before a sex change took years, including several years of living as the opposite gender before the actual surgery is done. I'd be more worried he was a liar, either about his age or the whole thing than about the fact he'd had one iyswim.

Do any of those calling the op unreasonable actually have a teenage daughter?

Sex change operations are being done on people younger and younger these days; there is a school of thought that it is better to do them before puberty so that the child doesn't have to undergo so much surgery or hormone therapy but that's still controversial. Operations should be possible on most people after the age of 18, 23 therefore seems reasonable.

let's take the transgender issue out of the equasion here..

"am I unreasonable to be uncomfortable with my seventeen year old daughter in her first relationship with a 23 year old?"

Why has no-one else picked up on this? Yes, she is old enough to consent, etc, but would I be happy with a 23 year old wanting to have a relationship with my seventeen year old who has never had a relationship before? no f*ing way. I would want to know why he wanted to take advantage - at that age six years is a lot.

In terms of him being transgender, while in principle I think each to their own, I would be concerned at someone who has clearly been through a lot psychologically wanting to get into a relationship with a girl who is still so very young and possibly not emotionally mature enough to deal with everything that goes with a relationship where there are already issues of sexuality..

I think assuming the OP's discomfort stems from prejudice is extremely unfair. Obviously it might. But it is at least as likely to stem from her desire for her daughter to have as uncomplicated a relationship as possible. And it is extremely unlikely for this relationship to be completely free of social, psychological or sexual issues.

Personally i'd be worried about my 17 year old having a relationship with any 23 year old - whatever gender.

In our house, 17 is very young still, and I don't get the comments where posters are saying its none of the OP's concern who she sees - surely there are many families on here where the 17 year old does ask the opinion of their parents and does share their decisions with them? If not, we're a very different kind of family from most.

But I accept not all families are the same and the OPs approach with her DD will need to reflect how they usually go about discussing and sharing big issues in their family - a much older boyfriend is a big issue.

wannabe - plenty of people have picked up on that point.

I am not clear if bf has undergone a sex change as an adult or perhaps was born 'intersex' and gender was assigned? Only because he seems very young to have undergone a sex change.
He may have been a man for most of his life which is quite different from someone who has only recently undergone a huge life changing event.
Sorry if I have missed vital info. I am a bit fuzzy

I agree with Seeker.

Am also wondering at what stage he is?

Pombear, I thought that too.

Most transexuals do not have genital surgery. Have read figures ofup to 80%, but I don't know if this figure is correct. This is because of a number of understandable reasons including the effectiveness of surgery and possible complications. So "he" could be a "man" but have had no surgery and no intention of having any. Or surgery could have already taken place. We have no way of knowing. And tbh I don't think it makes any real difference to OPs concerns. I think the issue is the vulnerability of her DD combined with the age of her bf and possible issues/complications there