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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

462 replies

fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:07

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts. Sad

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 02/05/2012 20:08

i dont know - i have no sons but dont feel sad, Confused

ZZZenAgain · 02/05/2012 20:08

you cannot help feelings, they come and go. JUst have to try not to dwell on it because it wouldn't be good for you in your situation, enjoy the situation you have.

minimisschief · 02/05/2012 20:08

why cant you have a daughter?

FruitPastillesForever · 02/05/2012 20:10

I'm sorry you're in pain. Hope you find a way to come to terms with it.

crypes · 02/05/2012 20:10

Why cant you have another baby? Are you sure your not just really broody and seeing your friends baby has intensified it all?

Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:10

Not having anymore children. Sad

I don't think I'd have felt sad about not having sons if I'd had daughters.

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 02/05/2012 20:12

i think its a shame, I kind of understand, but i think you need to remember that a daughter may not have been what you think it would be anyway.
What is it you grieve for about a girl that you cant have in a boy?

casawasa · 02/05/2012 20:13

I do know how you feel. I have a ds but for various reasons, age being one :) i will never have another child.
I always thought that i would have a son and a daughter as my mum did and that i would i have the same great relationship with them as she did with me and my db.
I think that you must try not to have regrets and make the most of the life you have.

CruCru · 02/05/2012 20:15

OP - some people may say that you should think of people who can't have children and be grateful for what you have (writing as someone who did have to have fertility treatment).

However, perhaps I would say is that you may be mourning the life that you always pictured yourself having. Perhaps you always pictured yourself having a daughter and it's hard to let go of that. Be kind to yourself. I'm sure that you love your DS very much. Try to focus on the things about your life that you have and didn't always expect to have (whether foreign holidays, a job you enjoy etc).

Dinosaurhunter · 02/05/2012 20:15

Hi op I only have 1 ds with no plans for more children , I adore my son but would also of loved a daughter .

olimpia · 02/05/2012 20:16

Yes why can you not try and have another one?
I do understand how you feel. I have three gorgeous DSs and won't have anymore. I live them to bits but when I found out DS3 was also a boy I was sad for a day or two thinking I'll never be able to play dolls with a DC, or buy pink dresses or go shopping for girlie staff with a DC. But then I felt I loved that unborn child even more because everyone had expectations that he'd be what he is not and it's not his fault.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:16

dinah I don't even know. I can't really put it into words. It's a feeling like I'll never be complete without a daughter.
I know it is ridiculous, absolutely. But I can't help it! Sometimes it eases off a bit but then it hits me again. This absolute sadness that I'll never have a little girl.

OP posts:
Rhubarbgarden · 02/05/2012 20:17

YANBU. I feel for you. I was lucky enough to have a daughter but was very, very anxious at the scan and would have felt exactly the same as you if I'd had a son instead. Nothing against boys, but I really, really wanted a daughter and I would have felt bereft if I hadn't.

It's ok to feel sad about this. Don't feel guilty.

Figgygal · 02/05/2012 20:17

Why do you want one?

Is it for a deep mother/daughter bond? To dress her up like a doll?

I'm saying this as someone who didn't want a boy under any circumstances yet couldn't say why a girl was what I wanted. Now having a 4 month old DS I can truly say I'm not bothered in the slightest.

SCOTCHandWRY · 02/05/2012 20:17

YANBU to feel sad. I have 4 DS, the last is 18months old, born when I was almost 43, they are fantastic boys and I would not change any of them but still long for a girl - it will have to be granddaughters now :)

marriedinwhite · 02/05/2012 20:17

What's stopping you from having another child if you want a daughter so badly.

SodThat · 02/05/2012 20:19

what is your reason for not having any more children? Just trying to understand why you are so very very sad about it.

ZZZenAgain · 02/05/2012 20:19

I think you have to accept the sadness. You are sad because it is something that you really wanted and it hasn't come about. There's nothing wrong with that and I believe you it doesn't diminish your love for your little boy. If this is your situation though, with time you have to put it behind you I suppose. If it isn't to be, it isn't to be. Is your ds a baby?

TidyDancer · 02/05/2012 20:19

I think YANBU.

I absolutely adore both my DCs (I have one of each), but I think if I'd have had two of the same and definitely not having any more, I'd have been sad about not having a DD more than I would've done if the situation was flipped.

It doesn't mean I love my DS any less than my DD because I love them totally equally, but I always saw myself as the mother of a DD, IYGWIM.

You can't help how you feel with something like this.

cocoachannel · 02/05/2012 20:19

Wait for the GDs! My MIL has just boys, she now has a GD and is loving doing 'girl' things. (DH and BIL were not into tea sets, Angelina Ballerina and dolls apparently).

Cold comfort now, I know Sad

Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:20

Because it might not be a daughter married?
It would more than likely be another DS. That combined with health issues and the fact I had hyperemesis very badly during my first pregnancy has caused me to decide no more babies.

OP posts:
NagooIsBuildingAnArk · 02/05/2012 20:22

I think it is the loss of the potential. I can't get the words down right, but if you feel like a door has closed then you will be feeling sad about it. It has nothing to do with your love for your DS or being grateful for him.

It is hard to articulate but I think that YANBU for feeling sad, however you are going to have to deal with the feeling somehow to cope with it and focus you renergy into what you do have.

teatimesthree · 02/05/2012 20:22

I understand, OP. Like Rhubarbgarden, I have a DD, and I am not having any more children. I know I would feel like you if I had a DS - love and gratitude, of course, but also sadness for the mother-daughter relationship I thought I would have. It's ok to feel sad. I hope it gets less painful as time goes on.

(All those posters asking why she is not having any more children, perhaps she is single, widowed, secondary infertility, DH says no - any number of painful reasons.)

Molehillmountain · 02/05/2012 20:23

Yanbu. You can't help how you feel and you're not being self indulgent about it. It is a bereavement of sorts and a process to work through.

Gumby · 02/05/2012 20:24

You could adopt

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