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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

462 replies

fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:07

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts. Sad

OP posts:
stickytoffee · 07/05/2012 11:42

i think a lot of your own experiences dictate how you feel about this. I have a close relationship with my mother and have a sister so have had many "girls" around in my life. I also had a brother though and enjoy male company. DH is sporty.

I had a DS first and would never have swapped him - he was my baby and that was that but I definitely felt a twinge of - yes, probably, envy, at my friends who were having girls around me. I then had a daughter second.

That said, DS is sweet, loving sensitive and sporty...he is gentle and kind and not "typical" of the sterotypes we have of small boys. I love his company. DD on the other hand is tricky, difficult , a comedian and attention seeker- a definite Mummy's girl but I think if someone asked me if I wanted two of one gender, I might be swayed to the boy direction. Things may well change as they grow older but this is life for now.

DH on the other hand has a sister and he has a difficult relationship with her as does his mother and they have never got on well. DH is the "closer" child.....

As many have said on here, what you believe you might get is not always the reality and I think, although I have one of each so am not in your position, surely the best way forward is to carve out the best relationship with your DS that you can and make the most of it. Time really does fly by so much more quickly than I ever would have imagined despite everyone telling me that....

gafhyb · 07/05/2012 18:58

"As another poster said, I think a woman's yearning for a daughter is simply anthropology. It's in our genes. Just as a man's yearning for a son is. That's coming from a staunch feminist (if that's even relevant here). As human beings we are hard-wired to seek to replicate what we like about ourselves and our life experiences: if you had a close mother-daughter relationship and a happy childhood as a daughter, you are hard-wired to want to replicate that yourself. It's nature, not gender prejudice"

Imperfectionist - you could say that - or you could equally well rationalise my desire for a boy as the desire to replicate my much-loved husband

everlong · 07/05/2012 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 07/05/2012 21:46

I think that women who had a poor relationship with their mother want the chance to put it right. If you had a good one there is no need to replicate it.

5madthings · 07/05/2012 22:03

exotic i shall disagree with that i have a poor relationship with my mother, tho its getting better and tbh i was alway scared of having a girl and getting it all wrong, i had no desire for a daughter so i could 'put it right' i was quite happy with my boys and i am delighted with my dd, but it was a bit of a shock and i do worry about replicating the relationship i have with my own mum tbh.

i never had any preference over gender either way, but worried more about having a girl, whereas i feel very comfortable with boys, which is good having 4! and dd is a lovely bonus and she is a delight, time will tell how our relationship pans out i guess but i certainly didnt crave a dd to put things right.

Molehillmountain · 07/05/2012 22:41

I wanted a daughter but def worry about out relationship being like mine and my mothers. I find it easier with Ds-he's not as much like me and so I don't worry about him turning out like me.

Morloth · 08/05/2012 00:22

gafhyb 'Imperfectionist - you could say that - or you could equally well rationalise my desire for a boy as the desire to replicate my much-loved husband'

I would agree with that, I had a slight preference for boys because of this and I have gotten two little clones of DH. But I can't believe I would be desperately sad to have gotten two excellent little girls in their place. I wanted babies, preferably lots of them.

exoticfruits · 08/05/2012 06:42

I just still can't understand why people are not just happy to have healthy DCs, I can't imagine then being disappointed because it isn't like shopping and you can't put in your order! People are too used to choice these days and it is great that nature is one place where you don't get it.

gafhyb · 08/05/2012 06:59

Morloth - I agree, and what I meant to add to that was that a desire to replicate one's husband, whilst understandable, is not less of a fantasy and can lead to assumptions about what our children will be like.

exoticfruits · 08/05/2012 07:06

When you decide to have a DC the odds are the same as tossing a coin-if you are desperate for one result you should tell yourself that you are quite likely to be disappointed before you start so if you end up with what you wanted it is a bonus, but prepare for the opposite and then you won't be disappointed. If it as extreme as 'part of me died' why not adopt an older girl-lots want a loving home.

exoticfruits · 08/05/2012 07:09

If people could choose the next step would be to get the personality you wanted, you wonder how people would cope with the 'wrong' sort of girl?

5madthings · 08/05/2012 07:40

i never said i was disappointed, i specifically said i had no preference either way i just worried more and do still worry a bit, tho not much tbh about replicating my own relationship with my mother. there was NEVER been any disappointment at my childrens gender, i have just been thrilled that the pregnancies have gone smoothly and i and baby are fine and well :)

allotmenteer · 08/05/2012 08:21

I so agree with you everlong. I have two DS's. Never had any thoughts about gender with DS1. Thought would be good to have two sons when expecting DS2. There were problems with pregnancy and we nearly lost him - gender did not mean anything - just wanted my darling baby to be OK. Thankfully he was and is now a father himself- to my beautiful DGS. They did not want to know gender - just wanted a healthy baby.

DS1 and DDIL had beautiful DGS2. Again they did not want to know gender, just wanted a healthy baby. This was not to be, he was too poorly and we are all now bereft.

OP, all children are gifts for us to enjoy in their own right. I do not wish to be harsh, but please put your fantasy where it should be and concentrate on the reality.

jasminerice · 09/05/2012 09:39

I had and still have a terrible relationship with my mother. I felt like she never wanted me and always preferred my younger sisters to me. My sisters were awful to me, even though they were younger. They bullied me and left me out of things all the time. The only person that cared about me seemed to be my dad.

I'm sure that's why I was desperate for boys and absolutely did not want any girls. I was disappointed when dd was born and felt jealous of women around me who had had boys. I was crying with relief when I found out I was having a boy during my second pregnancy.

If I had had a second girl I would have been sad and disappointed for the rest of my life. Unless you have lived my life and suffered the way I did because of my horrible sisters and uncaring mother you have no right to judge my preference for boys.

I do love my dd but I feel more connected to ds and always have.

WinkyWinkola · 09/05/2012 11:37

Jasmine, that's really sad that you have been treated that way. Awful.

Does your dd feel that you have more of a connection with your ds though?

I mean, it's very tricky because we are all born into families that shape our expectations of what gender will bring.

I have five brothers, most of whom were pretty beastly to each other and to me because of an acrimonious divorce. I feel nervous with boys getting giddy and boisterous in case it leads into something nastier as it often would in my childhood. I have 2 sons and 1 dd - I quickly squash any raucousness pdq in my sons and perhaps I should be more relaxed.

jasminerice · 09/05/2012 15:47

Winky, I don't think my DD knows how I felt. I don't feel that way so much now. DD is almost 9. I have spent the past 6 years working on my childhood issues and learning to love both myself as my mother never did and learning to love my DD.

If I became pregnant now I can honestly say that I have no preference for a girl or boy. For me that is progress as I came from a starting point of almost hating and despising girls for being weak and pathetic and totally preferring boys. I can see now where my strong gender preferences came from, but nearly 10 years ago when I pregnant with DD I had no idea why I was so so so desperate to not have a girl.

mumofsons · 09/08/2015 00:31

I know exactly how you feel, my four sons are all grown up now and I still cry for the daughter I never had, I regret with all my heart not trying one more time and the sense of loss and pain I have is intense even to this day. A women without a daughter is the cruelest fate. I wish you well xx

Diane31 · 09/08/2015 00:37

I am up at stupid o'clock worrying about my horrid daughter and wishing I had had two boys. She makes our lives a misery. We do love her but she is quite hateful.

CrystalMcPistol · 09/08/2015 00:39

A women without a daughter is the cruelest fate.

  1. What a load of shit.

  2. Zombie thread.

msgrinch · 09/08/2015 00:47

"A women without a daughter is the cruelest fait "

What a stupid thing to say, you're ridiculous. I have one son, I have no desire to have a daughter, my fait is not cruel. Thank you very much. Daughters are no more special to a woman than a son, they're not some holy grail of child creation! Hmm I've chosen to stop at one child as a boy was shock ok with me. Stop being an offensive wind up merchant and leave the zombie threads alone.

GozerTheGozerian · 09/08/2015 00:47

Bloody hell mumofsons, you're either spectacularly lacking imagination or completely devoid of any interest in the news if a woman without a daughter is the cruellest fate you can imagine.

What an odd thread to resurrect.

CaoNiMa · 09/08/2015 05:03

"A women without a daughter is the cruelest fate."

What absolute bollocks. I'd say a far crueller fate is a woman having recurring miscarriages or stillbirths.

Who comes up with this utter steaming shite?

Seriouslyffs · 09/08/2015 05:38

Eurgh.
This was unedifying enough the first time round.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 09/08/2015 05:43

I only realised this was a zombie thread when I read Scottishmummy's no nonsense post. I really miss her.

Mumbehavingbadly · 09/08/2015 06:19

I grew up wanting boys - I must be a MN abnormality if girls are somehow hardwired as a desire here.

Have two DC - both pregnancies I had my boys names ready- my boys knitting random collection of blue wools linked by dropped stitches and knots half finished and my boys careers as pro footballing brain surgeons mapped out ...with a glamorous me at Nobel prize dos and knighthoods heading up a trend for MaGs (mums and girlfriends).

I have two DD. Adored from the moment I set eyes on them - boys forgotten until we look at baby pics and they ask 'who's that boy gran's holding in the blue woolly romper'Blush

Try to Live in the today - and enjoy your time with your beautiful son.

Don't waste head space on what might have been - use the energy for now.

He'll be grown before you know it. And boy or girl you want to be sure of sending them off into the world happy, healthy and knowing unconditional love ... Because that's what will bond you for the rest of your lives and set the tone of your future relationshio for the decades to come.