to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

[fullofregrets]

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts.

frankie4 it's up to you to make sure that you do have that kind of relationship with them.

My DSs will always be in my life, I hope.......I do also have a DD and my relationship with her is no different than between me and my boys, I love them all the same. My boys are going nowhere

fwiw I also have a beautiful dgd who lights up my life.She was my first dgc and I am a bit sad that she lives abroad so I dont see her much.She is an only child[her parents' choice].My ds often says that he would have liked a boy 'as well' not instead but they did decide they could only afford one given the education costs where they live.

Lovely posts by dogdays and Kewcumber - thank you.

kew thank you.
I'm just having trouble letting go I think.

I'm exactly the same, OP. My DS is over a yr old now, and I could not love him more and feel so proud and lucky to be his mummy, BUT... there is a pain deep inside of me that can never be healed because I do not have a daughter. There are things that a mother and daughter share that a mother and son simply cannot; an understanding, a female experience of life and passage through it, a shared biology. And it's not that a mother and son can't share the deepest love and bond and experiences together, it's just that they cannot be like the ones I shared and still share with my mother because of our both being female. I find it patronising and offensive that some people think that this deep desire for a daughter is just a current trend.

It's like double-thinking: simultaneously loving having a son, worshipping the ground he walks on, feeling blessed beyond measure to have him but at the same time, aching with grief that you won't have a daughter. Yet that grief is not at all connected to my son, it's something utterly different and removed. The two experiences don't interact with each other, it's like living in two realities and being aware of both at the same time.

I can't physically have another child, not even with medical help. I'm disabled and it took a lot of time and tears for us to get our wonderful son. As others have said too, if I'd had a daughter, I wouldn't have had a yearning for a son, I wouldn't have any what-ifs about another child. None of this detracts from my love for my child, which is all-consuming. People who suggest people who feel like this should try for another child should be more sensitive; having children is not so easy for many women and there's only a 50% chance of having a DD if you got pg anyway. If you've never felt like this, you can't understand how difficult it is. It's not for others to criticise the pain of anyone else. The heart wants what the heart wants.

Fullofregrets, when you say you would have been better at parenting girl than a boy, is that because their interests are different to yours?

I have found the boisterousness and messiness quite hard to deal with but having said that dh is far tidier than me! I leave the play fighting and kicking a football to dh as I don't really enjoy it but I introduce them to literature that dh wouldn't have a clue about and theatre etc. We all enjoy lots of shared activities too.

OP this makes me want to respond in 2 completely different ways:

1. I know how unbelieveably hard it is to long for something you don't and can't have and my heart goest out to you.

But..

1. You have a son.

You can have more children but "can't face it". (even though there's a chance it might bring you what you so desperately want ). I don't understand why you don't instead have wonderful hope that maybe your next child (if you had another) might be a daughter, and if not - well you'd have another son, which would surely still be lovely?

My DH feels similar to you OP. while he loves our ds he always dreamed of having a girl. While we haven't ruled out another dc I highly suspect that our next would be a ds too. I couldn't be happier with my mamas boy but I dan appreciate that some people have had other 'visions' of parenthood. I don't think it's wrong to say you wish you had a dd, you're not saying you want to swap your da for a dd but tht yr just sad. I feel for you

I am so glad you posted that shabs

I have four boys (you know that but others probably dont ). I DO worry about GC and weddings and stuff like that.

I will never, ever hold my DD's hand whilst she gives birth. I will never be the mother of the bride. I worry that my boys will have children and seperate with their mothers and I may never see my grandchildren.
What if their partners dont like me? Their partners may have very close relationships with their own mothers (perfectly fine) but would that mean there would be no place for me?

Its very painful. It doesnt mean I dont love my boys. I adore them.
But I had a girl. I know what it felt like and I miss it. I miss having a daughter. It hurts.

"I'm just having trouble letting go I think."

I understand. Really I do. I had to let go too - of many things, natural fertility,any fertility, partner, birth child, daughter within a relatively short space of time.

But try to remember what you are trying to let go off is an idea. Not a reality. The perfect mother daughter bond which Oxford describes above is by no means a given. My mother could give lectures on the trials and tribulations of her relationships with all her children and little of it is based on the gender of any of us.

Maybe you would be "a better parent" to a DD than your DS, there's no way of knowing. The only thing I can tell you is that after DS came home someone asked me what it felt like to be a parent finally - "the biggest thing is that I'm nothing like as good a parent as I thought I would be". Its the nature of parenting isn't it?!

bonnie yes it is that and also I feel like I would understand a DD more. There is a part of DS that still feels slightly alien to me. I feel like it would come more naturally with a DD.

well I had hyperemesis resulting in hospitalization, have type 1 diabetes, had a prem baby and an emergency c section and then pnd. So no, I can't really face it I'm afraid. For me and also for my DS. I am not sure how much use I would be to him if I came up against all those think again. And yes, another pregnancy might be different but it might not be.

I know where you're coming from, but this is def something you need to confront and deal with before it becomes an entrenched part of you. It would be terribly sad to feel that you were grieving for a daughter you never had, when you have a son right there in front of you.

I come from a mainly female family, I'm one of two girls, so's my mum, and my gran was one of 6 girls - not unreasonably, I always thought I'd have a daughter! I found out DS was going to be a boy, and felt some of what you're going thru, but after feeling sad for a little while, I realised it was a blessing in disguise - I'm less likely to project my family's female crap onto my little boy, and I will hopefully avoid repeating the cycle that has gone on from gran>mum>me.
I still think about it sometimes, as we will probably try for a second child in the future, and I couldn't do it hoping it might be a girl - I'll be planning to have another boy, and if we have a girl then it'll be a nice surprise.

things again.

fullofregrets thank you for answering and I can understand your answer. My situation was sort of in reverse. DD was my 5th pg. I lost boys at 17 weeks, 11 weeks and 27 weeks - the last spent just over three hours in my arms before he died. He was DS2 and I was utterly besotted with DS1. I didn't think we did girls, I desperately wanted my DS 2 replaced and hadn't/couldn't even countenance a girl. We didn't ask the sex when pg and dd was a complete and total surprise. At the time, I wanted a boy. I needed a boy. I was in shock and actually I had to learn to love her because she wasn't my replacement son.

She will be 14 next week - I am the most blessed mother in the world and she is the most divine child (notwithstanding the fact she was little short of a miracle). I love both my children but oh so differently. She wasn't what I desired at that time but oh she is my world, my life, my dream and I cannot imagine not not having her.

I know it's a daughter that you want so dearly and think I am just trying to say that love and motherhood is a funny thing and it doesn't always work how you wanted it but if you are ready to be a mother, somehow it is love that triumphs rather than what you yearn for.

I'm sorry fullofregrets - I didn't read through well enough to see all of your pregnancy concerns.

I was sincere in the first half of my post that I understand and sympathise.

I was just trying to understand why someone who could have a(nother) child wouldn't when there is such obvious anguish. And now I do.
I also undersand how unhelpful it is when someone says "well why don't you just ...." as if it's that easy.

So I apologise for that too.

I hope you find peace and that parenting your son goes some way to fulfilling all you are craving/missing/mourning.

What a lovely post Kew. Your son is lucky to have you.

When I had my son I never for one second wished he was anything other than him, if that makes sense. From the minute he was born he was my heart and after being told that another child was highly unlikely if not impossible, I felt so sad that I may not have another child. The sex of the child did not come into it. I was very lucky and did go on to have another child but I can honestly, hand on heart say that I didn't care if I had a boy or a girl. I really, genuinely do feel for you because until you come to accept your decision not to have another child, you may find this doesn't go away easily.

Just want to add my dd-i-l is wonderful.She invited me to the hospital for the birth and asked that I be first to hold dgd after her and ds.She and her mum asked me to give dgd her first bath at home and I have been included in everything.I also have a lovely relationship with my step d-i-ls and my lovely s-i-l too.I suppose I am lucky but children are a wonderful gift and to wish even a little that you had someone differnt is so sad.

Oh and by the way after all those awful pgs and pnd with ds (who I have to say I adored from the minute he was put in my arms), that final pg got to 41.5 weeks, the birth was less than two hours, 9lb baby, no stitches and no pnd - and I fed her successfully unlike ds.

You might get another boy OP, but it will be different and my only regret in life after all that is that we didn't have the courage to have a third.

Thanks well.
MrsdeVere I can't even imagine how sad that must be x x

And adoption is difficult but not impossible - if you chose to go that route.

I used to think it would come more naturally with a DD, and then I had my DD. Lovely though she is everything felt sort of more natural with DS .He was much more loving and laid back (and still is at 18 as well as being totally delightful)

Love them both the same, buy DS was much easier to parent

you're stuck in fantasy
fantasy of being mum to girl
fantasy of what a we girl will be like
and all of that impedes your day to day life and enjoyment of son

I think YABU but I guess you already know that. I had the opposite issue. I really did not want a girl mainly because my mum was not very good and I worried that I might treat a Dd the way mum treated me. Was so glad to get a DS and I live him so much- more than I thought possible. I have now decided to have no more children as feel I really can't risk having a girl and making her childhood as crap as mine.

I feel for you OP. Just wanted to send best wishes to you. You sound like a lovely Mum who just wants to have a daughter (as well as a son). I hope you come to terms with your sadness and maybe think about taking some steps towards what will make you feel better.

I have 2 dds and would love a son, not at the expense of my 2, nor would I have another baby only to get a son. But I honestly feel sad that I don't have a boy. I adore my kids and wouldn't change anything about them.

I also feel sad for my very sporty, outdoorsy DH. I know he'd love a son but would not swap the girls for a split second.

I know it's a cliche and but it is such a blessing to be able to conceive, carry, give birth to and raise a healthy child. That's how I see it anyway.

Really do hope you feel better about this in time and don't be hard on yourself. Enjoy your boy and all the wonderful things he brings to your life. Take care.

lawrene but you feel the same really! Just the opposite gender.