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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

462 replies

fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:07

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts. Sad

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 02/05/2012 20:53

Well I sort of know what you mean, but just having a second baby after five pregnancies made me switch that off. I look at my two DSs like I won the bloody lottery twice. They are beyond my wildest dreams.

In my dreams we would have a third baby and she would be a girl and all would be well. In reality I have two boys that make me beam from ear to ear every day.

As for the grandchildren issue and the fear that as a MIL you won't be as close to your GCs- well there's two sides to that one.

A close friend is much closer to her MIlL than her DM as her DM lives abroad. Therefore her DH's mum is much closer in every way to her GCs. There are also DILs who might not get on with their DMs and might form a lovely bond with you instead, so it needn't be a distance nor a problem.

As for the women longing for daughters thing- I think it's just anthropology. As human beings we seek to replace ourselves before shuffling off the mortal coil. I therefore think it's natural for men to want sons and mothers to want a daughter.

Don't beat yourself up OP, but don't forget that even one healthy baby means you have beaten the odds already and that's truly something to celebrate.

Chestnutx3 · 02/05/2012 20:56

Just because you had an awful first pregnancy doesn't mean the second is going to worse, and its only 9 months of hell and it is worth it. I went through it twice but couldn't face a third difficult pregnancy.

I know many of my male friends who have 2 or more daughters and no sons really pine for a son and feel that in some way their life isn't complete. It gets better but they still have that feeling. I think its the same for many women.I wouldn't have minded not having a son but no girl would have been heartbreaking. However, I know many women with failed countless IVFs that ground me and I'm lucky to have my children whatever sex they are.

shabbapinkfrog · 02/05/2012 20:57

I am the proud Mum of four sons. I also have one grandchild - another little boy.

Can I just say to anybody on here who worries about not seeing grandchildren as much if you are not the Mums Mum (IYKWIM Grin) please dont worry!!! Being a grandparent is what you make of it. I have looked after my grandson every day while his Mum goes to work. Have looked after him since he was 10 months old and he will soon be 4 years old. We have a great time together BUT I always follow his Mums rules....because, as I always tell him, his Mummy & Daddy are boss!!

Sorry...that was a bit of a hijack!!

ilovesprouts · 02/05/2012 20:59

oooh i love my grandkids cant wait untill my grandaughters born in july Grin

emdelafield · 02/05/2012 21:01

Hello,
I am the mother of boys but just wanted to say my life is far from being a girl free zone!

Boys stay friends with girls thoughout primary nowadays and in secondary go about in mixed groups. In my experience of course.

My DS1 has a girlfriend and both boys have lots of female friends.

If you are friendly and welcoming with an endless supply of biscuits you will always have girls in your home.

NowThenWreck · 02/05/2012 21:02

Actually, having said I wouldn't mind which gender dc2 was. I actually, honestly would probably be more comfortable with another boy, not least because ds I desparate for a little brother! Maybe because ds is a boy, I feel easier with boys. (And he is in no way a stereotypical "tearaway" boy. Indeed, he is far more fastidious than I am!

wildspinning · 02/05/2012 21:02

What a great post dogsdaysareover. It brought a tear to my eye! I also have a DS and am trying my best to do as you are doing - to "nurture a really decent man". You will most certainly be a fab MIL Smile

I have learned so much about the male mind/psyche from bringing up a son. It has been a real eye-opener in so many positive ways. As I've nurtured a boy from babyhood I now "get" how male humans function much more than I ever did before! I'm a real champion of boys (who don't always get a great press) and I really love having a DS.

I realise that this doesn't help the OP one jot - my heart truly goes out to you and I hope you are able to accept your situation as time goes by and your darling DS grows older.

But just for the record - boys are fab! Smile

besmirchedandbewildered · 02/05/2012 21:04

I agree with what gafhyb and scottishmummy said and my take would be that you're grieving for a fantasy. It will take time but you'll get there. YANBU to feel sad but you need to work through it.

MintChocAddict · 02/05/2012 21:05

Agree with so much said above. Sadly disappointment with boys rears its head here often and I struggle to 'get it.'
Have 2 beautiful boys and no plans for anymore. Also have a great mother/daughter relationship with my own mum.
Who knows what the future holds in terms of the relationship my boys and I will have, however worth bearing in mind that any daughter you had imagined is unlikely to be the person you thought she would be.
My own DH is much closer to his mum than his sister is. My best friend is far closer to her dad than her mum. Many of my friends are unmarried and child free, others live hundreds of miles from their mums so the close relationships between mothers and daughters that weddings, babies, extended families apparently bring don't apply.

foreverondiet · 02/05/2012 21:08

How old is your DS? A second child could be a girl and you might not have such a bad pregnancy. My friend had v bad hyperemis in first pregnancy but 4 years later could face it again and it wasn't quite as bad.

As you only have one child so I think perhaps you are a little U to be sad about not having a girl. The odds were only ever 50:50 for one child. My mum felt the same about a boy. I have 2 younger sisters (and a sister who died as a baby - when my mum learned that actually a viable child is more important than the gender) before my brother was born.

If its any comfort my DB (youngest of 4) is MUCH much closer to my parents now (as an adult) that any of his 3 big sisters.

VickyandAlistair · 02/05/2012 21:08

fullofregrets, my situation is so similar to yours! I too, always imagined I would have a daughter. I even had my 'name' that I was going to give her. long story short, fell pg, had hg spent lots of time in hosp being rehydrated. I also only have 1 kidney which looked a bit dodgy at some points and for those reasons I know that I will not get pg again. I had a ds, and I love and adore him with all my heart, but I too get these occasional 'pang' of longing. My main reason for wanting a dd would be for the adult mother/daughter bond, but I have decided to work really really hard at my relationship with my ds, and i see no reason why we cant be just as close when he is older. But I really do know where you are coming from. Just remember, we are very blessed with our ds's :)

sugarice · 02/05/2012 21:09

I'm sorry that you feel bereft of a daughter but consider yourself lucky to have had a baby! .Baby boys are truly wonderful and grow into fabulous Sons when brought up with love and attention.There appears to be a trend at the moment wishing for daughters .

Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 21:12

forever when I got pregnant with DS I didn't plan on only having one child.
I thought probably two. Maybe three. But following the health issues I had with DS and the hyperemisis I concluded I am going to have to stick with just one. And I didn't realise before how sad I would feel having to accept that I would never have a DD.

There have been some lovely posts though, thank you.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/05/2012 21:12

YABU, and you know it..

you have a son.. you also have the chance to have another child if you wish..

something that some of us on here dont have...

I am resigned now to the fact that the next dog we have will get the name that I always planned to call my first child...

I have almost come to terms with this... just as you will come to terms with either enduring another pregnancy to have another child, or be happy with the one that you have.

BonnieBumble · 02/05/2012 21:19

I think we have a subconscious desire to live our life again through a dd. Obviously that wouldn't happen but I think it is partly the reason why we have this unexplainable desire for a girl.

IKilledIgglePiggle · 02/05/2012 21:19

I'm sorry OP but no, just no.

You are lusting after a stereotype, the darling daughter, pretty little girl dressed in pink, loving her momma, playing dollies and tea party.

What if she is a butch lesbian, never marries and has children, devotes her life to stray cats.

Men and women, boys and girls are individuals. Boys are just as wonderful, no you can't really dress them in a tutu and brush their hair and play princess, but you can play Star Wars, Cars, football.......and ,ake sure they grow into fabulous men who love their mum.

frankie4 · 02/05/2012 21:21

I also have 2 ds and will never have a dd. I used to get real pangs of regret, especially when friends and family went on to have dd's.

Now I am used to it and i am really happy to have ds's. When I look at other peoples dd's I feel no envy and I love my ds's.

But I do sometimes get a bit sad about when they are adults as I can't rely on getting on well with my DILs - they might not even get married. I am very close to my DM and when she is ill I help her, I do chores for her, meet for coffee etc. I know I can do this with my ds's when they are older but a lot of men do not have that sort of relationship with their mums.

I know it is up to me to try to nurture this type of relationship and I have started really trying to do this. Maybe some mums take their future relationship with their dd's more for granted.

oliandjoesmum · 02/05/2012 21:21

I do think it is sad for all the little boys out there that these threads are never about women with daughters wanting sons. I have 3 DS, and even though I would have liked a little girl this was the hand I was dealt and I have decided to embrace the boy world. I too grew up in a house of girls (dad away in the Navy, 3 sisters, all girls school) but I can truly say I LOVE being part of a boys world.I really enjoy going to all their sporting events/ cubs parades/ band practices etc. I have a dreadful relationship with my own Mum and she sees very little of her fabulous grandsons, when she does all she talks about is how boisterous and difficult they are compared to her Grand Daughter. I want to be the very best Mum to my grown up boys and their eventual children that I can. It does not have to be about them being boys or girls, it is about being a loving parent and providing them with a fabulous childhood full of fun, love and laughter; something I didn't have. Try not to be sad, my eldest son has severe autism, believe me, healthy is all that matters. I thank god every day no 2 and 3 are. Boys are also so loving, I think more than girls, or maybe that was just the troubled little girl I was. And finally, there is nothing better than being the only girl in a world of boys, then you truly are the princess.

Kewcumber · 02/05/2012 21:24

I'm in the rare position of having had the opportunity to choose whether to have a girl or a boy and even the race of the child. Always imagined myself with a girl. "Girl please" I said. "OK be prepared to wait MUCH longer" I was told. Having spent the best part of 6 years on fertility treatment and adoption preparation and facing probably at least another year at the minimum I had to take a long hard look at myself and the realities of having children and my expectations.

I eventually said I would take the first available child under two.

I have since counselled several people on the same journey who's hearts were set on having a girl but were unsure about waiting. I say to them what I say to you - the difference between parenting the imaginary child in your head and any real child of any gender is huge and way bigger than the difference between being the parent to a child of a boy vs a girl. You only know what its like to have your relationship with your mother, you don't know what your relationship with your mythical girl might be and you can while away many wasted hours longing for a fantasy.

Of course I have a wistful corner of my heart for the birth child I never had and the other children I never had. But they are just a dream, they're not going to happen, they're not real and every minute I spend thinking about it is a minute of my lovely life that I won't get back.

It helps hugely that DS is so much more than I ever deserved to be given.

thegreylady · 02/05/2012 21:25

My dd has two wonderful little boys who bring love and joy to all who know them.My mum used to say 'every mother needs a daughter and every girl needs a sister'.
I had no sister but I did have a daughter who I love dearly but you know what I have never seen any little girl bring more delight to their mothers than my dgs's do to theirs and we wouldnt change them for all the little girls in the world.I really hope the rest of you feel the same about your dc whatever gender.

Kewcumber · 02/05/2012 21:27

"I can't rely on getting on well with my DILs" - I'm sure there are many mothers who would testify that you can't rely on getting on with your DD's either. My mother sees more of my brother than my sister, he and his family spend Xmas with her every year (ditto birthdays) - nothing wrong with either relationship just that my sister has other priorities.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 21:27

I think I would probably have been a better parent to a DD than a DS.
I'm not sure why I think this. I just do!

OP posts:
ViviPru · 02/05/2012 21:28

Wow, great post, Kew

BonnieBumble · 02/05/2012 21:28

There are a lot of anti mil threads on here but I'm actually looking forward to my sons bringing home girlfriends and then hopefully eventually having daughter in laws.

I grew up surrounded by girls, boys were an alien species to me but they have taught me loads and it is lovely to see things through a boys eyes especially as I was always such a girly girl.

squeakytoy · 02/05/2012 21:28

I do think it is sad for all the little boys out there that these threads are never about women with daughters wanting sons.

There are probably just as many men who have daughters secretly wishing that they could have a son...