to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

[fullofregrets]

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts.

I struggle a bit with these threads. I am fortunate to have one of each, but am ashamed to admit that when I found out I was having a ds and not another dd, I was terribly disappointed.

I felt like that until they placed ds in my arms. Gender is utterly, utterly irrelevant. They are so much more than that.

I bonded with dd before she was born, I knew I would love a girl, I knew I would know how to parent a girl. I didn't feel like that about having a ds, I was worried.

The utter joy that he has brought me and the depth of my feelings for ds has been the greatest surprise of my lifetime.

I hope you can move past this, OP.

It's insulting and patronising to say that women who want daughters just want to shop, choose pink clothes etc.

I was just like op, I wanted a girl but I had a boy. I had pnd and felt cheated out of having the girl I wanted. Not because I'm negative about boys, but because I know nothing about boys. I know girls. I am a girl.

It's not about pink and shopping. It's about feeling that somebody is your true offspring, and understanding what makes them tick. I have loved boys and men all my life, but they will always be 'other'.

DS is a year and a half old now and I can't believe I ever wanted a girl. He is just awesome and I wouldn't change anything about him.

But I know why women want girls.

OP - it will get easier in time. I have 2 boys and had bad experiences having both. After DS2 i knew we wouldnt have any more and although i adored both boys i felt huge sadness that i would never have a DD. I remember having a huge weep about it but it did get easier. I think i just felt sad about not experiencing any of the girly thing my sister and i had done and i was so upset about my boys growing up and having a different relationship with me , not having that closeness a mom and daughter would have. As it turned outDS2 has autism so may never live independently and have a 'normal' life so i guess i will always have that closeness with an adult child but never in the way i imagined. My sis now has an 8 month old Dd and we all adore her, but i am more envious that she is 'normal', not ASD rather than her being a girl. Enjoy your DS and it will get easier although you will learn to cope. Boys are fab and loads of fun.

OP I'm sorry that some people have interpreted your desire for a daughter to mean that either you don't love your son, or that you have some narrow pink-and-frills idea of what your relationship might be like with a daughter, nothing you have written has given me that impression!
Some people will always take discussion about someone else's issues as criticism of their own, well done for not taking it personally.

I had 2 boys, a long gap, then a girl. I totally understand how you feel. I love my boys with all my heart. The love I feel for them is equal to the love I feel for my Daughter, without question.

If I hadn't had a girl, I would have always tortured myself with the 'what if's'.

YANBU, but I hope you can find some peace.

Maybe I was the lucky one. Having to face up to giving up the idea of a daughter before any real child arrived was maybe easier. Or maybe having to give up the idea of birth child at all has put into perspective the desire for a girl. Either way I have been lucky ot have moved on from it and have no regrets.

As far as I can see it you have a limited number of choices:

1 - continue as you are and run the risk that it impacts on your relationship with DS in future
2 - try to move past the idea perhaps with the help of counselling
3 - adopt and (assuming you can convince the social worker it is for reasons which are compatible with the best interests of the child) specify a girl.

Ultimately its your choice how the script to the rest of your life goes.

Velma, emotions are not black and white; wishing you could have a daughter does not mean you must then feel negative towards one's son or boys in general. The two things are entirely different. Unless you've felt like this, it's hard to understand.

As I said above, I am disabled. Without going into details, if I had not suffered terrible health problems and a lot of pain, I would not have met my DH or had my lovely DS. But it doesn't stop me wishing I'd never got ill! People are capable of feeling two conflicting things at once. Liking dogs doesn't mean I must feel negative about cats, etc!

For me, I have zero interest in stereotypical girly things, I hate all that pink proncess crap. I don't think boys are inferior to girls, or think typical boys' interests are boring, not as nice as girls or any of that. I have a wonderful relationship with my mum and would've liked something similar. I will have a different, equally wonderful one with my son. But it won't ever be the one I've looked forward to my whole adult life.

A desire for a daughter doesn't impinge on how I parent my son, I can't speak for the OP. Because that desire is unconnected to him, it just happens to exist in the same 'category' as him ie family. It impinges on my parenting a boy as much as me wishing I was a size 8 or could win the lottery does. Everyone has dreams that won't come true, but most people keep on dreaming them. Deep-seated desires are very hard to get rid of, and if you've always imagined/presumed something about your life and self, ie that you will have a daughter, it's not so easy to change overnight. It's giving up everything you held true and dear. All of that has nothing to do with my son, the light of my life.

YANBU I have 2 wonderful sons who I love to pieces. I can't have anymore children but I would have loved to have a daughter to have the relationship I have with my mum! I am very grateful for my 2 healthy boys (at one point it looked like I wouldn't be able to have any children) but I still sometimes feel sad that I don't have a girl. We are currently being assessed to foster and have decided to consider adoption in the future so...
be kind to yourself [hugs]

I'm the other way around - sort of.

I have one baby - DS. I am due with DC2 in Sept and I am secretly nervous at the propect of having a girl and was secretly a bit relieved that DC1 is a boy.

I think that this is due to my difficult relationship with my own mother. Its not that I don't want a girl or that I wouldn't love her as much as another DS. I think I'm just worried that the relationship I have with my mother would repeat itself with me and my DD. :(

Oops just to add, we don't know the gender of DC2.

I've always longed for a son, instead I've been blessed with 3 DDs

I understand how you feel OP, I really do. It's irrational, unreasonable, but I understand.

The feeling does and will subsite over time.

i totally sympathise - I have 2 lovely sons (hence my username) and expecting again in Sep, was really hoping for a girl - but . . . no. Another boy.
I was feeling really disappointed. Then guilty as the baby is healthy apparently - something I'm sure a lot of people would be grateful for.
Ah well, just trying to deal with it, but it's not easy - and this is definitely my last DC too.
I feel for you . . .

I don't know if the following might help you stop feeling bad about this, but here goes...

My Mum really wanted daughters, for the reasons given above - she felt she knew daughters better, she expected a daughter would be like her, she thought there'd be a deep bond. She'd been a pretty "girly" girl herself.

She got a daughter - me. A tomboyish little thing into science and hard physical play who wanted her hair cut short and refused to wear dresses. Who was, as far as character went, a carbon copy of her daddy.

It would have been much easier to have had a son - she would have been disappointed for a few days after the birth, not for the whole of my childhood and adolesence. She wouldn't have wasted time trying to create the kind of bond she'd dreamed of and I couldn't give her. She wouldn't have been frustrated by the absence of that bond and I wouldn't have resented her frustration which in my unsophisticated seven-year-old head was understood as "You're not the child I wanted" which shades very easily into "I don't really love you".

Maybe, if I'd been a son, and burdened with less expectations about how our relationship should be, we'd be a lot closer today. I don't know, but I do know this : almost never will the child you get, of either gender, be what we fantasized beforehand. And hard as it might be, our job is to let go of everything we hoped for and concentrate on the real kid in front of us and what their needs are.

It's not about pink and shopping. It's about feeling that somebody is your true offspring, and understanding what makes them tick. I have loved boys and men all my life, but they will always be 'other'.

I think that if you expect this you are quite likely to be in for a disappointment, there is nothing at all to say that because she is a DD she will be on the same wave length- masses of women don't get on with their mothers and they have no idea what makes them tick.
Asked beforehand I would have liked a girl but I got 3 boys. They don't disappoint me. Now that they are at girlfriend stage I get female company and they are lovely. Only on MN do I get this view that MIL relationship is difficult.
I think it wonderful that in our world of choice you don't get any- it is up to nature. I am just relived to have 3 healthy DCs.
It is sad to have any expectations - so many people expect to have control, even over what they think and you have no control.

I know exactly how you feel. I have been through this myself. I have two DS s and I have always desperately wanted a daughter too. I know I will never have one now, and for a long time I felt a pang of jealousy whenever any one I knew (or didnt know for that matter) had a girl.
It has taken time, and i think it is a bit like a grief for a kind of a relationship you will never have.
Part of what I have been envious of is the pink thing, and potentially more common interests as they grow older. Also , Ill never have that conversation about 'how to be a woman' advise or support around puberty , relationships with boys . Ill never be the 'mother of the bride' . But I do have two wonderful affectionate sons who are by no means a consulation prize. So dont be too hard on yourself. Its ok to feel this way.

MrsDV - i only know you from MN but I am absolutely certain that any dil would be lucky to have you x

Op - you only have one child and give it time to change your mind about another. I had a very bad first pregnancy and labour with my ds and we tried the 'shettles' method when trying again (do before ovulation inky to increase chances of a girl) and we have a little girl now too. If you really want to try again you will be prepared to go through preg again or you need to just park these thoughts and move on.

You can do two things:

start being grateful for what you do have, and move on

or

find a way to have another child, ie surrogacy, adoption etc.

It's not about pink and shopping. It's about feeling that somebody is your true offspring, and understanding what makes them tick. I have loved boys and men all my life, but they will always be 'other'.

This is completely false! My ds is far more like me than my dd is! Gosh, this statement is so wrong and false.

I find that statement ridiculous too. My DS 3 is just like me. You can't tell and gender has nothing to do with it. OP has the solution if it is so important, foster-lots of DDs need a good foster home.
I am very grateful that my mother didn't have expectations just because I was a DD.

My brother is the one on my Mother's wave length.

I really hope you don't have another child, if you did and it was a boy you'd be disappointed and if it were your prize girl I fear your DS would be second best.

Sex is nothing, be thankful he is healthy and yours, I know how it feels to be raised by a mum who wanted the opposite sex, yes she loved us girls unconditionally but we always knew she wanted boys.

MrsDV I agree with MsPaperback - your son's partners will discover they have a one in a million mil

titsalina yes, I believe I would be disappointed with another boy. But I don't believe if I ever had a DD (which I'm not anyway so all this is hypothetical) that my DS would ever be second best. In fact in some ways I think I would enjoy him more if I had a DD than I do now.
It certainly would not be possible to love another child any more than I do my DS.

How bad was your hyperemesis? Did you try meds?
I had it with both pregnancies, and had antiemetics .....they reduced the severity quite a bit.

If you have s chat with your GP you might be able to come up with a management plan. Don't write it all off just yet.

OP, I actually think those accusing you of "lusting after a stereotype" of girlhood are being simplistic.

I would love another DD. I don't know why really. I have 2 dss as well who are great.

My DD is the most tomboy girl ever. Refuses to wear dresses, wants to be called Ben etc.

I'm not depressed that I won't have another DD but I certainly don't think it's a crime to want one either. You love your ds and you'd like to parent the other gender.

As with all aspects of parenting though, I think most realise nothing turns out the way you imagined least of all your dcs and their personalities!

The little OCD part of me wants to have a gender balance in the family but THAT bu.