Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

462 replies

fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:07

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts. Sad

OP posts:
teatimesthree · 02/05/2012 20:24

Hyperemisis - poor you.

Tulipsforever · 02/05/2012 20:25

It's totally understandable you feel this sadness and don't let anyone belittle your feelings. I'm sorry you think you will never have a daughter. Maybe it just wasn't to be. Hopefully in time, the grief will pass and won't feel as ripe as it does now. Dote on your friend's little girl - be her fairy godmother!

Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:27

gumby adopting is pretty tough, there are actually a higher number of boys than girls to be adopted too but it has crossed my mind.
I do have acquaintances who adopted two gorgeous little girls from China.

DH wants another one of our own but I just cannot face it again.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 02/05/2012 20:27

you've allowed desire for daughter to take on mythical magical if only qualities
maybe if you'd had a daughter you'd both bond and have positive mummy and daughter experiences

or maybe not

fact is a specific gender can't make you happy or unhappy , the personality,interactions, and lived experiences of the children will make you happy.not whether it's boy or girl

don't waste time on what ifs

CallMeAl · 02/05/2012 20:28

its always girls people pine for, putting down their boys.

Something a bit fucked up there imo.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:29

I'm not putting down my DS.
But it doesn't stop my longing for a daughter.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 02/05/2012 20:31

it's an irrational desire
a daughter wouldn't necessarily make you happy
but unfortunately maybe you've become preoccupied that daughter is the on thing you need/ want

people make us happy
not specifically boys or girls
people Inc wee boys

SpagboLagain · 02/05/2012 20:33

I have 2 gorgeous DS and love having boys. The pang I have about not having had a DD is thinking about when they grow up and have children of their own. I have a wonderful relationship with DM, she was present at both births and spent lots of time supporting us when babies were tiny. I know it's not impossible to have that close a relationship with a DIL, but it's surely less likely, and I would loved to have that close bond with a daughter.

But I only have to look at 15wk DS currently on my lap to know I wouldn't swap him!

EdlessAllenPoe · 02/05/2012 20:33

Yanbu to feel sad. it's one of those things you just can't switch off just like that - something that doesn't respond to reason.

and it's not always just for girls.

but you can feel sad and move on. sm is also right that you might not get what you wished for!

NowThenWreck · 02/05/2012 20:35

I feel sad that I may not have another child, but I wouldn't care what gender the prospective child was.
I didn't have a great relationship with my mum, so to me daughters and mothers are fraught with tension.
Having said that if i got a dd, I would be over the moon, as I would if I had another son.
Also, I really think that if ds had been a girl, he would still be the same person, essentially, so it doesn't really matter.

DollysDrawers · 02/05/2012 20:35

I do feel sorry that you feel the way you do but I have to be honest and say I don't understand it. I'm sure you love your child, do you think you would love him more if he had been a girl? I very much doubt you would.

scottishmummy · 02/05/2012 20:38

it's the transposing social /societal norms onto gender that's issue
girl, be closer to her, bond over the grandkids, closer than a son could offer.and dil not same

I have read stuff Like this before,or the never be as important as the bride's mum etc. not be no1 granny

sorry but that guff needs challenged, and chucked
ESP if it causes pain

Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:38

No dollys. But I do think I'd feel more complete. I can't explain it really anymore than that.

OP posts:
Plaguegroups · 02/05/2012 20:40

I do sometimes feel sad about not having a DD but if someone offered to trade in either of my DSs for a girl there's no way I'd part with either of them!

For me, I think part of it is that I'd like a DC3 but DP is definitely not up for it, I have occasional pangs for the DS3 I'll never have, as well as the DD. I'm guessing if you'd love a DC2 but can't, you're going to be feeling the lack of a DD more than you would if you had 2 DSs

bytheMoonlight · 02/05/2012 20:40

Dh pines for a boy, so you are wrong scottishmummy. Maybe women pine for girls?

I think that Edless is right though, it's all about the relationship when the child is older. What is the old saying about boy's finding a wife? Far too many people these believe this nonsense.

The wished for dd could emigrate abroad forever, for example, thereby spoiling the anticipated close relationship.

Who knows what the future holds. Hold on to what you have now, enjoy it and make the most of it. The distant future is too far away to be of any concern.

gafhyb · 02/05/2012 20:41

Trying to be gentle, but you are pining for a fantasy. That would not be fair on a girl, even if you were to have one.

scottishmummy · 02/05/2012 20:43

look I'm not makin the definitive statement, I'm reflecting what I've read on mn
and being hung up on a gender of child you don't have,be it boy or girl.well it sets you up for needless heartache and disappointment

EdlessAllenPoe · 02/05/2012 20:43

well i have my own ishoos when it comes to wanting a boy.. i think DH would have been happy with just girls. my dad would have - he had all these expectations of my brothers which they weren't going to deliver on and it didn't make for easy relationships. .

gafhyb · 02/05/2012 20:43

And for the reason above, even if it were possible, adopting a girl woudl, IME be dodgy in the extreme - adopting one sex over another to fullfil your unrealistic idea of what one gender is like? Sorry

scottishmummy · 02/05/2012 20:46

adopting is bad advice
having gender preference isn't good reason to adopt
in fact building a fantasy of what ifs and wouldn't a girl be great, is reason you shouldn't touch adopting girl

Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:47

It's not even that I think boys do this and girls do that etc etc. It's not even a comparison of stereotypical gender traits or the whole girls stay and boys leave thing.(although that doesn't help.)

I don't know what it is. I just always, since I was teeny tiny, imaginext id have a DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:47

imagined

OP posts:
dogdaysareover · 02/05/2012 20:48

I have a lovely DS but always thought I wanted a daughter. It may sound a bit weird but I have a theory that life gives you what you need not what you think you want. I grew up in an all female environment (mum, sister, grandmother) and have never really 'got' males. My DS has already taught me so much about boys and I do believe that it was one of life's lessons I just had to learn. In fact the more I learn about boys the more I can accept that males can be just as much fun, just as sensitive and just as great company as females. I never understood this before DS because of my early childhood experience of men and the narrative in the matriachy I grew up in that 'men are bloody useless'. I am at peace with maleness now and I think that was something I needed in my life (I spent many long years being bitter towards men in general). I absolutely adore DS's maleness now. I always thought a daughter would be great but I would probably not have grown in a personal sense in the way I have with DS and would not be the same mother (I have really had to get my head around DS, whereas I think dealing with a girl would have just been second nature).

Anyway, I know it's not the same for everyone and mine is a very personal trajectory, but try to examine where your prejudices about males come from and what fulfillment your DS can bring into your life.

Also, don't fall for the stereotypes which abound about boys. I made a very conscious decision never to buy clothes with slogans on for boys as they can be covertly negative 'muck tub', 'monkey' etc, whereas girls' ones tend to be a bit more saccharine. I do find I need to remind myself that boys aren't all wild tearaways.

Also, (sorry to go on, but I have grappled with this issue myself) I take great pride in the fact that I am trying to nurture a really decent man, one who understands feelings without being a sap, who can cook and clean as well as enjoy sport. When I think of a possible future DIL I imagine and hope that she will have a male who is a truly great partner and father and will have a lovely MIL to thank for it

gafhyb · 02/05/2012 20:50

lovely post dogdays.

scottishmummy · 02/05/2012 20:50

your struggling with unfulfilled fantasy, a hope
that's understandable
but if it is unregulated and you feel sadness, well you need to check in , regulate your what ifs

try not let childhood girly day dreams impact so much into adulthood