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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

462 replies

fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:07

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts. Sad

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 02/05/2012 21:58

"What a lovely post Kew. Your son is lucky to have you." - ah well it would be nice if he thought so fleetingly before puberty kicks in but in any event, not as lucky as I am to have him. Some other much lovelier family could have had him in a parallel universe, it is my huge good fortune that it was me kissing him goodnight tonight.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 21:58

Thank you perma

OP posts:
thebody · 02/05/2012 22:02

I totally understand. I had 2 dss and love them to bits but it was a
Boy household' cricket, footi rugby etc.

When ds2 was 8 we had a girl and then 2 years later another girl, still have rugby with the girls and very sporty BUT we go SHOPPING and have hot chocolate in nice places.

We nearly lost dd( 12) in a coach crash In Feb so know how dear children are.

If u want another baby so much perhaps u may change your mind.?

U have every right to feel sad though cx

MessyTerrier · 02/05/2012 22:04

I think you might be stuck in fantasy too. I have one DD and two DSs. DD is lovely and wonderful and I adore her but she's just about the most un-girly girl I've ever come across. There's no pink, or dolls, or dresses over here Smile. It's a bit like having three boys, if I'm honest. Not what I expected, but I'm absolutely 100% fine with that.

There's a family at our school that have three little boys and a brand new baby girl that they adopted from Africa; she's the sweetest little button EVER. There are ways, if you've really got your heart set.

Ilovedaintynuts · 02/05/2012 22:04

I had a DS and deeply longed for a DD. I really felt bereft at he thought of never having a girl.

Everyone told me the gender wasn't important , boys and girls are the same.

I went on to have two DD's and they are everything I dreamed of and more.
I love my DS but for me having a DD was really important and I feel SO happy because of it.

I'm sorry you feel sad OP. I really do understand.

scottishmummy · 02/05/2012 22:05

no sorry really bad advice to adopt
desire for specific gender is dreadful reason to adopt

scottishmummy · 02/05/2012 22:09

cute wee button baby doesn't= girl always dreamt of
you see the personality,nuances,demeanor may not be what op associate or hope from a girl

time to really focus and conserve energies for your real lif and son
not fantasy mummy to a girl life

Kewcumber · 02/05/2012 22:11

agree desire for a girl is a bad reason to adopt. Desire for a second child perfectly good reason to adopt and you can specify a girl.

I would brace yourself for it not being quite how you expected though.

IKilledIgglePiggle · 02/05/2012 22:12

ilovedaintynuts I'm sorry it I think that's awful, your poor DS.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 22:13

Scottish I don't spend hours dreaming of what I'd do with a girl. I don't even sit and picture her. But I do have a longing in my heart for a little girl.

And doesn't everyone venture into fantasy a bit when having a baby? Imagining what it would be like?

OP posts:
IKilledIgglePiggle · 02/05/2012 22:14

No wonder there are some fucked up men around.

shabbapinkfrog · 02/05/2012 22:16

MrsD your boys know you love them - they know you would give your own life for them. In my opinion they will always involve you with their partners and their children. As they become fathers they will remember how you 'walked the crappy path' of the loss of a precious, precious child. Only when they become parents themselves will they appreciate how you got up each day, how you loved them and how you pinned on 'your smile' and 'swam through the treacle.' My eldest lad (30 years old now) says to me often 'Mam how did you cope with loosing my brothers? How the hell are you still here and how did you open up your heart to love me and my youngest brother and love my son as well.' You will be fine my friend...you will be just fine xxx

VelmaDaphne · 02/05/2012 22:17

I feel very sad reading this thread. OP, I do hope your DS is not old enough to pick up on your negativity towards boys, and that by the time he is older you have managed to suppress these distressing feelings.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 22:20

velma I don't think I was expressing a negativity towards boys.

There was a brilliant post that expressed exactly how I feel. My love for my DS and my desire for a DS are two separate things. They are independent from each other. Probably the fact I am only having one child has compounded my feelings about not having a DD.

OP posts:
OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 02/05/2012 22:24

thanks shabs x

FunnysInLaJardin · 02/05/2012 22:25

fullof I just think you are expressing the very natural desire to have a second child. I felt our family was incomplete before DS2 came along. Maybe you just want another baby, which you are telling yourself you can't have, and projecting those feeling onto that unknown girl.

Incidentally I am one of 3 girls and always thought I would have a girl. I have 2 boys! I also had an awful pregnancy history, 2 MMC at 12 weeks, one per live birth. I couldn't do it again, but I think you really need to ask yourself whether it is really just another baby that you are missing? Girl or boy.

Hmc · 02/05/2012 22:26

The first thing the op said was that longing for a dd doesn't detract from her love for her son, so it is unfair of those posters who chide her for not valuing her son when clearly she does.

OP I do know where you are coming from - I have both sexes so that's not my issue, but for some time I have regretted stopping at 2 children and not 3, and have felt sad and cheated that I don't have 3. However, you adjust, you move on and it becomes less important. Your friend has just has a baby girl so these feelings are in the foreground - but it will pass

Ilovedaintynuts · 02/05/2012 22:29

The problem with these threads is that people seem to think that because people have a gender preference that makes them dislike the opposite.

I adore my DS. I've just come back from watching him play football at a high level and was going silly with my camera. My Facebook is clogged up with pictures of him. We are currntly sitting on the sofa watching football and giggling on the iPad.

I wanted a DD because I prefer stereotypical girl interests. I love women, I get women. I desperately wanted to raise daughters.

That doesn't diminish the love for my DS. He prefers my DH's company than mine because they share interests. You really need not feel sorry for him.

My girls fulfil something deep inside. A type of hunger I had for a girl.

I'm sure I'd had all boys I would have dealt with it and moved on.

fromheretomaternity · 02/05/2012 22:29

I have two boys. They are so different to each other. My friends with daughters have a whole range of parenting experiences. Each child is their own person - you can get quiet, calm boys and tomboyish girls, yes girls are different to boys but they don't fit into neat stereotypes.

VelmaDaphne · 02/05/2012 22:30

How can it not be negative? There are 2 types of child you can have - a boy or a girl. You wanted a girl. You have a boy. You aren't having any more children. How can your persisting desire for a girl not be seen as negative towards boys?

I'm sorry if you're feeling fragile but you've had a lot of sympathy here - far more than people usually get on AIBU! - and I have to say that this attitude towards boys upsets me. I have 2 boys, and I get sick of people asking if I'd wanted a girl.

As others have said, you're pining for a fantasy, even if it's not a conscious one. And I do hope, as I previously said, that this unfulfilled feeling you have is concealed from your son.

Kewcumber · 02/05/2012 22:30

"And doesn't everyone venture into fantasy a bit when having a baby? Imagining what it would be like?"

Yes. And if that's what you're doing then I would say, that's pretty normal and healthy.

But to be honest that isn't what you've put across in your posts. You have said (amongst other things) you think you would be a better parent to a girl which either implies that you feel you are failing your son or that somehow your relationship with a girl would be better/more perfect than with your boy. I don't think that particular fantasy is healthy for either of you.

You also sound (at this moment) that the longing for a girl is something you can't get past which I think is also something that is unhealthy going forward.

How old is your DS?

QueenofLemuria · 02/05/2012 22:35

Youre lucky- at last you can have children. I probably can't and I have one

QueenofLemuria · 02/05/2012 22:35

Youre lucky- at last you can have children. I probably can't and I have one

Original poster
fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 22:37

velma yes I've had a lot of sympathetic and helpful posts and I'm very grateful.
A number of people have felt similarly to me.
I don't want a girl to dress her up like a doll. I don't want her to do stereotypical girly things. It is more than that and I can't put it into words. But it is not because I think my son is in some way lacking.

DS is coming up to 3 kew.

OP posts:
VelmaDaphne · 02/05/2012 22:39

I think, for your own and your son's benefit, you should seek some counselling to help with this feeling. It's not healthy and I can't imagine that if you feel it this strongly you will be able to hide it from your son.

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