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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have put FIL in his place about nursery

470 replies

pointbreak · 27/04/2012 13:55

Out of the blue he announced he thought it was a shame that DD had gone to nursery at 13 months. She goes 3 days a week, 8.30 - 4.30. She is at home with me the other two days and me, DD and DH spend the weekend as a family. She is happy as larry. He now admits it has benefited her but he didn't think that before she went. Please bear in mind MIL worked in a nursery for 12 years.

He went on to tell me that they were lucky as his wife didn't need to work when their DC were young. I pointed out that we didn't NEED me to work, but my career was important to me and just as valid's as his DS's career, so why should I give it all up. I did have PND for the first 6 months of DD's life and we all know that returning to work can help with that.

So, was IBU? What else should I have said? Or not?

OP posts:
tantrumsandballoons · 27/04/2012 13:57

Say NOTHING

you that you are doing the right thing for you and your child, you certainly do not need to justify yourself to anyone

Popoozle · 27/04/2012 13:58

YANBU. Your child, your rules, your decision. It doesn't sound like you were rude to him so, hopefully, no harm done.

hardboiledpossum · 27/04/2012 13:58

I have worked in lots of nurseries and would not dream of sending my children to one. I don't say anything to family who have children in nurseries though. Maybe he knows what they are often like from his wife and was sad that she was put in one.

pictish · 27/04/2012 13:58

Yes...those choices are your own to make and you owe no-one an explanation for them.
Smile and nod...smile and nod....then carry on as you were.

Popoozle · 27/04/2012 13:59

Oh, and there is no need to say more. You don't need to justify your decisions to anyone - if it suits you, your DH and your DD then that's what matters.

jeee · 27/04/2012 14:00

But your FIL is actually saying that he thinks that you were right, isn't he? That she benefited from nursery?

And many people consider that it is lucky that one parent doesn't need to work when children are small.

It sounds to me like he's actually trying to be supportive of you - I don't think you need to say anything to him.

Original poster
pointbreak · 27/04/2012 14:01

That is a shame hardboiled. It does make me wonder though why you continued to work in them if they were so awful? MIL used to work with my DD's keyworker and raves about her. I am not sure just how much it really, deep down, bothered him, rather than having a strong opinon, as they are both retired and didn't offer to look after her at all (even one afternoon) rather than her be in nursery. I am not saying they should have, but surely if it bothered him that much.....

OP posts:
molschambers · 27/04/2012 14:10

He's entitled to his opinion. Not sure what he expected to achieve by airing it. He obviously realised he'd hit a nerve as he started back-pedalling by saying that she'd benefited from it.

I would leave it. You can't expect everyone to agree with your parenting decisions.

Original poster
pointbreak · 27/04/2012 14:13

Well, that is the thing. He now thinks nursery is great for her. Why feel the need to tell me (when I am actually unwell) that he thought it was a shame. Just say how well she is doing and leave it at that. He worked long hours and played golf every weekend when his DC were small so feck right off. Sorry, getting a bit ranty.

OP posts:
AlbertoFrog · 27/04/2012 14:13

Another one here who thinks FIL was admitting he'd been wrong previously and is now being supportive albeit in a cack handed sort of way.

Crikey if you could hear some of the things my DF says. I'm often having a go at him only to be Blush when he manages to explain what he really means.

I do also agree though that if you and DH are 100% happy in your choice then you don't have to justify it to anyone. Personally I think you have the ideal set up for your family.

hardboiledpossum · 27/04/2012 14:15

Well in that case it was an extremely odd thing for him to say.

When I first started working in nurseries I was young (I had just turned 17) and whilst I hated the environment I really enjoyed working with children. I wasn't assertive enough to complain about things which I would now. When I was a bit older I worked in nurseries as bank staff over my uni holidays and came to realise they were mostly the same.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 27/04/2012 14:16

I think neither of you are being unreasonable, he has his opinion and you have yours, the only problem would be if he had tried get you to change your mind on what was your decision, but it sounds like he didn't

Unfortunately I'm with hardboiledpossom on this one, but again that is only my opinion formed from my experience, it doesn't and shouldn't affect anyone else

MsPaperbackWriter · 27/04/2012 14:18

I personally would not put a 13 month old into nursery three days a week but each to their own. I do feel a bit Hmm at parents who insist their babies are happy to be away from them all day at nursery... A baby is happiest with their mum/dad/main carer. I think a little bit of nursery is great but when babies are in all day it is not for their benefit but for the parent's benefit.

thisisyesterday · 27/04/2012 14:19

agree with maytheodds...

he thought it was a shame, has admitted she benefitted from it and thinks it's nice that they didn't need to use a nursery

he is entitled to that opinion, even if you don't agree with it.

sounds like a non-issue to me tbh

elizaregina · 27/04/2012 14:20

hardboiledpossum

I wondered if you could elaborate on why you wouldnt send your child to a nursery. I had two nanny friends who said same thing about never getting a nanny in themselves......I was just wondering if it was for same reasons?

molschambers · 27/04/2012 14:21

Seems like he is generally disapproving of nursery for very young children but is clearly conflicted because he sees your DD thriving. He's probably mortified that you're upset btw.

Let it go. He's not alone in his feelings and it's not an uncommon viewpoint particularly among over-50's whose own kids didn't go to nursery.

Groovee · 27/04/2012 14:21

MIL changed her working days to suit her colleague (Bearing in mind that neither asked dh, their boss, if this was ok) and then took a huff that I used a childminder and continue to use a childminder for when I am working. At a time when we desperately needed help she wasn't there and then had to have a go at me, when I pointed out she wouldn't help me out when I needed it but she would help her colleague change her days to suit her DIL. It still riles me 7 years on.

Pseudo341 · 27/04/2012 14:23

HardBoiled, what's wrong with nurserys? You've said they're awful and all the same but not actually given any reason. I'm not trying to be confrontational, just genuinely curious.

lemonygem · 27/04/2012 14:24

Don't think you're being unreasonable at all, there's always people who will have things to say about our choices as parents, and as long as it's not constantly being brought up then I reckon the "hmm yes that's interesting" vague acknowledgement then carry on as you were approach is best.

Just curious as to why hardboiledpossum and maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour wouldn't put their kids in nurseries? Is it just the politics or the way they're run? Just interesting as I'm considering childcare for my baby just really unsure of what to do as I don't have any other local mum friends. Completely off-topic mind, so you can PM me so as not to interfere with the actual topic here! Ta : )

Astr0naut · 27/04/2012 14:28

Lots of the women who work in the dcs' nursery put their own dcs there. In fact, dd will be in the same class as one of them in SEptember. It was one of the things that sold us on the nursery.

hardboiledpossum · 27/04/2012 14:28

elizaregina Mostly the staff were young women who I found incredibly unpleasant. Some were nice though. If they didn't like the parents they would often ignore a child but lavish attention on children whos parents they did like. They would talk and be rude about the children and their parents infront of the children. Babies were often left to cry for long periods of time without comfort, especially when they were settling in 'as they needed to get used to not having attention all of the time.' Often very little actual talking and explaining to the younger children. Unualified staff were often left with a roomful of children on their own. Ratios weren't stuck to.

BackforGood · 27/04/2012 14:29

Well, if I've read it right, it sounds as if he was saying "I was wrong, I've changed my mind about this". You say he admits it benefitted her even though he didn't think it would before she went. Not sure what you're worried about.

Original poster
pointbreak · 27/04/2012 14:30

You know what, I genuinely don't think my DD would be happier being at home with me 5 days a week. She skips into nursery goes for a cuddle with he keyworker and pals and is happy. OKay, yes it is a long day for her, and I probably would be happier if we could shorten the days. But, I had PND, I need some space. I am a FAR better mum now I am back at work. So, that is deinately for the benefit of my daughter. I look so forward to my days at home with her. Would I if I did it full time? NO. I would resent it and she would pick up on that.

I am letting it go with the FIL, no worries

OP posts:
Original poster
pointbreak · 27/04/2012 14:31

And another thing, she has breakfast with us in the morn before she goes and dinner with us when she comes home. It is not as if we don't see her....

OP posts:
hardboiledpossum · 27/04/2012 14:32

I the one nursery I worked in for a long period I did refuse to be put in the baby room as I just wanted to pick up these crying babies and give them a cuddle but I was told that I wasn't allowed or I would 'spoil' them. Staff would act completely differently around parents and lie about how much they had cried during the day.