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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have put FIL in his place about nursery

470 replies

pointbreak · 27/04/2012 13:55

Out of the blue he announced he thought it was a shame that DD had gone to nursery at 13 months. She goes 3 days a week, 8.30 - 4.30. She is at home with me the other two days and me, DD and DH spend the weekend as a family. She is happy as larry. He now admits it has benefited her but he didn't think that before she went. Please bear in mind MIL worked in a nursery for 12 years.

He went on to tell me that they were lucky as his wife didn't need to work when their DC were young. I pointed out that we didn't NEED me to work, but my career was important to me and just as valid's as his DS's career, so why should I give it all up. I did have PND for the first 6 months of DD's life and we all know that returning to work can help with that.

So, was IBU? What else should I have said? Or not?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/04/2012 23:04

really,what a disproportionate fuss you're making

scottishmummy · 29/04/2012 23:06

anyhow will let you assert your pov
and c&p in case any salient point gone unnoticed

AberdeenAgnes · 29/04/2012 23:07

Hush now SM.

TandB · 29/04/2012 23:08

DS1 loves nursery. Has done from the start. Since we moved out of London we have been bending over backwards and coming up with all sorts of complicated arrangements to let him carry on having a day there as he got so upset when he stopped.

But inevitably, someone will tell me that is just me trying to justify my choices, or make myself feel better about them or something.

That always happens on these threads, which makes it a little difficult for anyone to share their genuine, positive experiences. It would be nice if everyone took other people's experiences at face value instead of trying to find a reason to disregard them when they don't fit in with their beliefs.

scottishmummy · 29/04/2012 23:09

lol,you have some big things to say?
someoffence to be gleaned from posts
something you've not c&p to substantiate how you've been misunderstood
and how disapointed you are

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 23:10

I haven't read the thread but here's my take on it

Neither of you are being unreasonable

He's perfectly entitled to think it's a shame to put a baby in a nursery for 8 hours a day, 3 times a week.

You are perfectly entitled to place the baby in care for 8 hours a day, 3 times a week and not think it's unreasonable.

Different strokes and all that.

As long as you're happy with your decision, it's no-one else's business.

But that doesn't mean he's not going to have an opinion on it even if you don't like it.

scottishmummy · 29/04/2012 23:12

he's entitled to opinion
mum at liberty to ignore
I think based on her posts she will

AberdeenAgnes · 29/04/2012 23:12

"lol,you have some big things to say?"

Er, no, just chatting on the internet. What did you think you were doing then? Changing the world?

scottishmummy · 29/04/2012 23:15

you have a v endearing quality about you
it's the dog with a bone thang
I likey

hawkmoon269 · 29/04/2012 23:19

Firstly, what I'm about to say has nothing to do with parents working vs staying at home. Both equally valid in my book and many parents have little choice either way.

However, I worked at lots of nurseries during my University holidays (and did a lot of sole charge nannying too). What I read earlier in the thread rang true. On my first day at one nursery the manager introduced me to one child, not by saying "this is Jonny" but "this is Jonny, he's really annoying. And smells like poo." The child was 2 and clearly understood what was being said. Staff tended to favour the quiet and cuddly ones. Staff members children were always treated well and favoured.

It upset me very deeply at the time. Now with 2dc of my own I have been to visit the best nurseries in my area. I found one where the staff really seemed to enjoy being with small children every day. At that nursery nothing seemed to change when I entered rooms and all the children were engaged and happy. At all the others the staff immediately jumped to attention when I was shown around and went into hyperdrive - the bemused looks on the children's faces said a lot. Oh, and babies being held but not engaged with, given eye contact or any stimulation at all while the nursery staff bitched about another staff member (I stuck away from the group tour and found this charming scene. 10 minutes later when the group entered the room and everyone knew they were bring watched it was a very different story).

Look, some nurseries are great. Because they have kind, honest, fun staff who love their jobs. But from my experience most are not great. Children adapt and get used to the level of care they are given. But nurseries are never going to be as good as one-to-one care by someone who really knows and loves your child.

For me, a nanny share will actually work out sigificantly cheaper than a local nursery. But unless I had absolutely NO other options I would avoid nurseries like the plague until my children are at least 3.

Sorry for the essay. I just feel very strongly on this one. Very little children need to be shown love and patience and bondaries. Nurseries all too often don't provide any of these.

scottishmummy · 29/04/2012 23:27

any parent choosing nursery isn't trying to replicate 1:1 care
and you've been unfortunate in nursery you worked in.I don't think they all so bleak. but it's a mn perennial the expose from worker or the know someone who knows someone who worked in bleakville nursery...and they beat dem children

my dc all went nursery ft at 6mths, and I'd do same again at same nursery

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 23:30

I'll never forget how upset my neighbour's DD was when she got her first proper job in a nursery.

The nursery was attached to a hospital and it was mainly there for the care of the nurses children.

She'd studied my DS2 when he was born as part of her childcare course and she's always been baby mad since she was a child herself.

She said, "I cried when I realised there were babies there as young as 7 weeks old...often left there for 10 hours a day by their parents because they have to earn a living". And I could see tears in her eyes when she was telling me (she was only 20yrs old and it was her first proper job)

She said she's a Nursery Nurse because she loves children but that she would never put a child of her own in a Nursery before they could speak, because they couldn't tell her how well/fairly they were being treated on a daily basis.

So maybe that answers the questions from people who don't understand why some Nursery workers/Nannies would be happy for their own children to be cared for professionally.

Personally, I think every single family situation is different and as long as we're happy with our parental choices, it's no-one else's business.

hawkmoon269 · 29/04/2012 23:31

I worked in 8 nurseries over the course of 6 years. There were some brilliant staff but unkind people in all of them for whom working with children was definitely not a vocation.

hawkmoon269 · 29/04/2012 23:37

See, I met lots of fantastic people just like that worra. They're not all bad. But until your child can really tell you what goes on, you just don't know. There doesn't have to be a horror story - just children who are not spoken to very much, left to play alone, spoken about unkindly on their hearing etc.

scottishmummy · 29/04/2012 23:38

some dreadful cm,nanny and nursery staff
some great cm,nanny and nursery staff
that's why it important to chose wisely

hawkmoon269 · 29/04/2012 23:39

in their hearing...

hawkmoon269 · 29/04/2012 23:40

Scottish couldn't agree more.

scottishmummy · 29/04/2012 23:47

it's a leap of faith
a necessary one that pays bills etc
an alternative adult whether that's cm,nanny, grandparent,nursery staff - will not be same as parents

and so long as you understand that,you will be ok

but pragmatically fridge don't fill itself
and not all mums wan to be housewife

yousankmybattleship · 29/04/2012 23:48

There is no way I would have put any of my children into nursery for such long days at such an early age but it is your child so I guess you must feel comfortable with your choices. Your FIL was perhaps a bit tactless but you do seem incredibly defensive.

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 23:48

That's what I think she was saying hawk

It wasn't that anyone she knew was unkind...just that many were worked off their feet and kids didn't always get the attention they needed.

If you love a child, you tend to put your own needs last and theirs first...but child care is a business...there's fondness but no love involved obviously.

And even if there was, all children's needs have to be met so that would sometimes mean not being able to give your full attention to the child who's asking for Mummy and Daddy.

Mind you, she's nearly 28 now so she must have toughened up to it as she's still in the same job.

chewchewmeaw · 29/04/2012 23:54

This thread is quite painful for me. Hands on heart, if I had my time again I would never have sent my DC to nursery at 17m. There were so many incidents that still play on my mind that left me uncomfortable. Nothing major but things I weren't really happy about but was scared to shake the boat.

My DC attended a top nursery as well, it was always raved about locally. I kick myself ever putting him in a nursery. It was for my needs not for my baby and that is a hard pill to swallow.

You literally do not know id your baby is being fed, changed and interacted with. You just have to pray that your child's basic needs are met.

It's hard.

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 23:58

It is hard Chew and when you look at the amount of 'school' threads from parents who think their child has been treated badly...well whether they have or not, at least the child has a voice.

It's tough...tough on the parents who have to go with a blind leap of faith and tough on the children too.

fluffypillow · 30/04/2012 00:05

YABU, sorry. Your FIL has a right to his opinion, and I agree with him.

The best place for a child of that age is with her parent, someone who loves her, and thinks she is the most special thing on this earth, surely.

My DD is 15months, has never spent a day away from us, and that is how I think it should be for her until she is three and starts playgroup (which will be for her benefit, and NOT mine).

You say you don't NEED to work, well sorry, I just don't get it? A 13month old is a BABY. She can't tell you if people are being unkind to her, how can you say she is happy???? you can't possibly know.

If I was in a position where I HAD to use childcare, then it would tear me apart having to leave my DD for that amount of time, 3 days a week. I could never be happy with that decision.

When my DD has her nap, I want her to be in her own quite room. When she has her lunch, I want to chat to her, help her and let her take her time. I want to play with her because I want to, not because I'm being paid to.

Even that you felt you had to mention that you have breakfast and dinner together baffles me. Of course she should be having her meals with you, ALL her meals. You are her Mum.

I don't think this has anything to do with how important your career is, or how it's just as valid as your Dhs career...............HELLO!!! this is your baby Daughter we are talking about, right? Don't HER needs come first AT ALL TIMES?

Children are little for such a short time, and need to be nurtured through those first few all important years by someone who loves them, and truly cares about their feelings, needs and development. Not by people who are being paid to do a job.

Sorry this is harsh, but you said you didn't need to work, and there are so many Mums out there that HAVE to leave their kids in childcare, and would give anything to be with them, so that is why YABVU IMO.

PooPooInMyToes · 30/04/2012 00:17

What sort of incidents Chew?

stressheaderic · 30/04/2012 00:30

OP, our family set-up sounds similar to yours in that DD goes to nursery 3 days a week, 830-430 and has done since 12 months old (now 2yo).
I have been very happy with this arrangement and so has she. She has a great time at nursery. I trust the staff and it has a glowing report and reputation. She goes in willingly and her development is fantastic.
I am confident and secure in my choice on this.

It's just a very emotive topic and people can only talk about what they know and have experienced themselves.