to have put FIL in his place about nursery

[pointbreak]

Out of the blue he announced he thought it was a shame that DD had gone to nursery at 13 months. She goes 3 days a week, 8.30 - 4.30. She is at home with me the other two days and me, DD and DH spend the weekend as a family. She is happy as larry. He now admits it has benefited her but he didn't think that before she went. Please bear in mind MIL worked in a nursery for 12 years.

He went on to tell me that they were lucky as his wife didn't need to work when their DC were young. I pointed out that we didn't NEED me to work, but my career was important to me and just as valid's as his DS's career, so why should I give it all up. I did have PND for the first 6 months of DD's life and we all know that returning to work can help with that.

So, was IBU? What else should I have said? Or not?

Also, I consider that I do work - it's just that what I do, doesn't directly generate money. It does, however, help my dh to generate the money we need, as a family. Without my 'work' at home, he wouldn't be able to do his job.

Of course, we could both have lower paid jobs, with more regular hours, but am not convinced we would be happier or better off in mental health terms.

you've described stark and contrasting scenarios
but research repeatedly tells us work is good for mental health. the routine,structure,social contact and mileu that work offers is conducive to good mental health

you've chosen to consider the what if work is a dreadful grind scenario. well in that case naturally that's not conducive. but that is not the norm. the norm is most people like work

There's plenty of research that shows young children do better being looked after by a single, constant person as well. Doesn't stop people putting their babies in nurseries.

"the norm is most people like work"

I disagree.

I think some people like to work, but for a lot of people, it's something they do in order to pay the bills. There are an awful lot of horrible, poorly paid jobs out there - lots of people have those, rather than fulfilling careers.

My dh quite enjoys his job - but if we won the lottery he would give it up in a heartbeat, and I don't think his mental health would suffer, because his fulfilment would come from other activities.

When I was working, I liked most aspects of my job too. There are things about it that I miss, but when was working there were things I missed about sah. I don't think I was happier at work than I am now. The money was nice though, I won't disagree with you there.

I think it's very important, in mental health terms to be educated and to know that if the worst happened you could financially support yourself - I think that is partly why enforced unemployment is so soul destroying, because the element of choice and controlling one's own destiny has been removed, not because the job itself has gone.

Perhaps the idea of work being important for mental health, comes from investigations into the effects of unemployment on people, which is different from choosing to be a sahp.

Best thing to do is get an interesting work life. Seeing as adults normally need to work. It's too big a chunk of your life to do something mind numbing

Great if you can, tinkerbel. But someone has to do the mind numbing stuff.

AA contemporary ucl research is that what matters is quality of care
whether delivered by nursery or parents
if the quality is good there is no detriment
a bad parent,bad cm,bad nursery can all be detrimental
just as good parent, good cm,good nursery is positive

Yes karma- but it most people are honest, they want their children to grow up to be well qualified and skilled and to do interesting work. I have yet to hear anyway claim they would like their children to do dull jobs! I think we all know deep down that a better work life brings more chance of fulfilment .

Ah...the old, I'll choose the one particular study that backs up my POV approach...

indeed,just as you no doubt have biddulph et al to support your pov

No, not at all. I've never felt I needed to find a study that supported my life choices. Happy as I am, don't need to be backed up on it.

Certainly wouldn't think that anyone else should live their life a certain way because research tells them it's 'better'. That was your stance SM.

AA as I said unthread, I had a cynical view of nurseries and gave up work after my dd because I didn't want to use childcare. I realised by dc2 that this was about MY feelings, not about the actual experience my child would have. I think there's a danger when you're a SAHM of thinking that your child will turn out happier or better. After having ds and returning to work when he was 8 months (and yes- he was in childcare!) I can see that he is no less happy and well adjusted than his older sister. I think it's fine to stay at home if you do it because YOU want to (and your partner is happy to take on the financial side) but I don't like it when people start defending their position by scaremongering about nurseries etc
Just live and let live

Excuse me tinkerbel? Why on earth are you adressing me like that?

I haven't discussed anybody's decision to use nurseries or otherwise at all.

Just pointing out that you can probably find a piece of research that will support any viewpoint.

"just live and let live" I'm pretty pissed off at you saying that to me, actually, Why on earth have you said that?

DS loves nursery. Really. My friend is his key worker. He throws an almighty strop if he can't go when unwell. He runs In Without a backward glance. The are way more activities than I can offer at home and his little friends all love each other and he wants to see them in his days 'off'

Yes, bringme- that was my experience with ds too- and he had been at nursery from 8 months so I'm sure he wouldn't have been running in full of smiles at age 18 months if he hadn't felt really happy and secure.

Tinkerbel I just asked you a question - you appear to have missed it. Could you respond to my post please?

the fil can state his pov
but op free to ignore

My my AA - you do come across as rather bossy!

My post was responding to yours which implied that nurseries do not offer the kind of constant, consistent care which young children need. You said dismissively that 'some people still put their babies in nurseries' despite the evidence.

I think that's a pretty judgemental thing to say because you simply can't generalise. My baby went to nursery from 8 months and had a consistent, wonderful key worker (though of course me and dh remained the primary care givers). my point is that it's very easy when you're a SAHM to slip into thinking that only you can provide the best environment for your child. I'm not trying to claim any moral high ground here because I found myself doing it with dd- I was very PFB and even poor dh didn't get much of a look in sometimes. With the perspective of having returned to work after ds, and being a few years down the line now, I can see that a lot Of this was about my feelings, not based in the reality of what my dd would have experienced. I found it quite hard to let her go, and also probably because I had given up quite a good job to stay at home, I 'validated' my decision by convincing myself it was the 'best' way. I now realise there isnt a 'best' way- there are different ways of doing things which are equally good and which can all lead to a happy child

Can i ask those people who didnt want a nursery, what childcare options they chose?
Personally, my dd went to nursery from the age of 1, one day a week. She really loved it. I chose a nursery over a childminder as i wasnt comfortable with the thought that she was alone with one person. In the sense that she could have stuck her in front of cbeebies all day or ignored her etc. at least with a nursery there are lots of adults, which means there is less opportunity to 'get away' with doing nothing. IMO

You have got me all wrong tinkerbel, I'll try to explain it one last time.

You seem determined to character assassinate me. Why? I don't know. You seem to think I have some fundamentalist SAHM stance going on (weird, you don't know me - I used childcare while I worked btw, if that helps at all?)

Your quote:

"My post was responding to yours which implied that nurseries do not offer the kind of constant, consistent care which young children need. You said dismissively that 'some people still put their babies in nurseries' despite the evidence.

I think that's a pretty judgemental thing to say because you simply can't generalise."

I said NOTHING of the sort. What I said was this:

"There's plenty of research that shows young children do better being looked after by a single, constant person as well. Doesn't stop people putting their babies in nurseries"

And I said that IN RESPONSE to Scottishmummy talking about research that shows that adults are happier when they are in employment. I wasn't "implying", or "generalising, or being "pretty judgemental". I was just talking about research, the same way another poster was talking about research.

I can only apologise if that wasn;t clear to you - when I first wrote the post I was on the laptop and addressed it specifically to SM and added a caveat about how that wasn't my opinion.

But MN crashed about for the 500th time tonight and that post was lost and I ended up posting a summary version on my phone.

But still - I implied nothing, and I judged no one.

And I'm quite disappointed by the way you've spoken to me.

you're overstating this
I don't get why you're so cross

That's very funny Scottishmummy. Very funny indeed. Scottishmummy is telling me I'm labouring a point on thread about SAHM's and WOHM's.

the ire
the demands for answers from specific posters
the lenghty explanations
...it's all v fraught

Oh do behave scottishmummy, poor of you to pick holes in me taking something up with another poster because you can't defend your own stance.

I've not seen you do that before.