to have put FIL in his place about nursery

[pointbreak]

Out of the blue he announced he thought it was a shame that DD had gone to nursery at 13 months. She goes 3 days a week, 8.30 - 4.30. She is at home with me the other two days and me, DD and DH spend the weekend as a family. She is happy as larry. He now admits it has benefited her but he didn't think that before she went. Please bear in mind MIL worked in a nursery for 12 years.

He went on to tell me that they were lucky as his wife didn't need to work when their DC were young. I pointed out that we didn't NEED me to work, but my career was important to me and just as valid's as his DS's career, so why should I give it all up. I did have PND for the first 6 months of DD's life and we all know that returning to work can help with that.

So, was IBU? What else should I have said? Or not?

Thankfully hardboiled, I know DD is not in a room like that and I certainly don't get the impression the other rooms are either. The room is staffed by four woman, or which two are rather mature (not that that makes a difference IMO) and I get the feeling they genuinely care. I have often come in unannounced and been very happy with what I have seen.

I don't think nurseries are all the same. I viewed quite a few before applying for one for DD, it's the most popular in our area for very good reason. She got in and has been there since she was 10 months old (so shoot me, I had to go back to work and no other childcare options). If she hadn't got in we would have tried for a local childminder or nanny-share.

She loved it since the start. The staff are dedicated and lovely, and several have children who are currently at the nursery too. I do parent cover at the nursery occasionally so get more of a feel for how the nursery functions normally, not just at drop off/pick up.

Sorry you never thought much of your nurseries, hardboiled, but considering the number of staff at DD's nursery who have had/have children there, I think that not not all nursery staff feel like you.

Don't worry about it pointbreak. My DS is in nursery 4 days a week 9am-5pm.

He started at 6 months old (we live in a country where maternity leave is only 3 months and childminders virtually non-existant so most babies are in nursery). I definitely don't NEED to work for the money but do for my sanity.

I get fed up of older women saying 'oh its such a shame you can't stay at home with DS' and I always make a point of telling them that it isn't a shame and that I went back to work out of choice and would have lost the plot if I had to stay at home.

Exactly, not all are the same and is silly to assume they are. I think if my DD was upset for large parts of the day, I would know by her wee blotchy face and she would be upset to be left there in the morning. She isn't. After 3 days she was settled. I was amazed.

You've found a balance that suits your family. Being at home all the time is hard. I did it for eight years. I didn't realise how it was affecting my mental health until I went back to work (in a nursery funnily enough) and realised how much more fulfilled I felt in myself. You have no concerns about your daughters development and your own mental health is better. Sounds like the best option.

pointbreak you dont have to justify your choices to anyone here either you know. your child sounds incredibly well loved by lots of people and like a happy little girl. you follow yor gut when it comes to your dcs and you would know if se wasn't happy.

Sorry, x-posted hardboiled. DD's nursery definitely isn't like that. In fact DD often goes to find her former baby-room keyworker if she wants comforting, as she knows that she's always good for a cuddle.

I know I am getting defensive. It just irritates me when people make sweeping generalisations.

ScrambledSmegs At the nurseries where I worked the staff often had their children there but they were treated completely differently to the other children, especially ones they didn't like.

I'm sure not all nurseries are like the ones I worked in and the pre school nurseries that started at two were often fantastic with really enthusiastic dedicated staff.

i've used 3 different nurseries and one childminder in the 6 years i have been a parent. each one of them was different and the one i didn't feel right about i removed my child from. the others were lovely. really lovely. it was so clear that the staff really cared about the dcs and that my ds was happy to be going there. i found it a good indication of how much interaction the staff have with your child, if they are coming to you at pick up and telling you bits and pieces about your child's day and also noticing improvements in stages as opposed to just handing you their little sheet with the number of pees and poos your child did that day as if that is all they were there to do (the one i removed ds from )

obviously if you pick up at a busy time then the chat isn't always possible but if you are basically ignored everyday or told "ds was fine today" every single pick up then i would be doubting whether they even cared enough to know how your dc's day was.

IAmBooyhoo I agree. Her keyworker also tells me what the main activites she has been doing and how she is coming along and the other workers often chip in with wee stories of what she has been doing. I get a lovely warm family feeling in that room. Sometimes I just want to lie down in the book corner and be looked after by them.

that would be lovely wouldn't it? "can i have warm milk for storytime please?"

people make generalisations though based on their own experiences.

I wouldn't use a childminder for same reasons as above posters wouldn't use a nursery. I've seen too many awful childminders out there whose clients are completely oblivious.

What worries me is, how are parents oblivious? Wouldn't you (hopefully) pick up on your DC's feelings/attitude if they were unhappy at nursery/childminders? My DD has a very firm no, and if she ever starts saying no to going, I would have to listen very carefully.

Oops, YANBU pointbreak!

Booyhoo, I had a parents meeting with DD's keyworker and I received a 5 page report on her progress at nursery! It was incredibly detailed, they'd listed her main friendships, her likes and dislikes and loads of other very accurate information. She was only 18 months old at the time, I couldn't believe it!

hardboiled please don't write off all nurseries. I have a very happy, well-adjusted little girl who asks to go to nursery. She adores it there, and chats away about her friends and the staff on her days at home with me. They're very in tune with the children's emotional development too, from what I've observed when helping out. I don't think they have 'favourites', some get more cuddles than others but that's because they seek it out.

well there are lots of reasons that someone may keep their child at a not so great nursery. maybe the child doesn't exhibit any signs of unhappiness, maybe the parent has no other care close to home/work, maybe they dont recognise the signs, maybe the (sadly) dont prioritise how their dcs feel about the place. and i'm sure many more reasons.

i agree with wannabe, people can only speak from their own experience so if that was bad then they cant say nurseries are great as they haven't seen anything to prove that.

as a child i was looked after at home by a nanny. my parents found out that she had been bringing her boyfriend and he had been wearing my dad's clothes to go into town shopping and to job interviews. as a result of this my mum was very adamant that i dont choose a nanny for caring for my dcs (my bidget wouldn't have let me anyway) and i can see why she feels this way but i can also see that her experience is based on one person and nanny's aren't one homogenous group.

pointbreak I think lots of parents think it's normal for children to take so long to settle and to still be crying on pick up and drop off. I've seen lots of threads on here where parents have said that their child seems to be taking ages to settle in and is still crying and lots of the responses are usually saying it's normal.

ScrambledSmegs I am sure that there are some great ones and I think some children are so adaptable and robust that they'd be happy in pretty much any nursery, even the bad ones. But for me it is not something I will take the risk with my own children. I have heard that there are a few nurseries that have cameras in every room and parents can log in ay any time of the day and see what their child is doing, if I found a nursery like that I might consider it but I think I will just wait until two when in my experience the nurseries get a lot better.

[shocked] scrambles! that is great. they obviously are doing alot of observation and one to one time to be able to provide that report. it would be great if all nurseries could afford to spend the same time with each child.

Agree Iam - I have negative views of nurseries due to my experiences so would not leave a pre verbal child there. But friends think they are marvellous so each to their own.

YANBU, OP. I do think your FIL has at least partially changed his mind and was trying to convey that to you, but I think the 'they were lucky as his wife didn't need to work' comment was a bit passive-aggressive of him, and good for you for standing up not for your need to work but for your desire to work.

I don't much like the comments on here about how young is too young for nursery, young children being happier at home, etc. You sound very in tune with your DD, her needs and her happiness, and I've no doubt you're doing the right thing for your family.

I wouldn't say anything else to FIL though, unless he starts again about you working, in which case you could just repeat what you've already told him.

hardboiled i dont think cameras are any indication of better care TBH. one of my local nurseries (not one i have used) has cameras and parental log in system. the manager and a staff member were in court recently over an incident where a child was flung accross a room by his arm for not staying on his chair while eating. a staff member who witnessed it reported it to the manager but nothing was done, no record of the report made, no accident report form filled in. nothing. it was only that the reporting staff member became concerned about the lack of follow up so reported to the social worker for the nursery that there was ever any knowledge of the incident. the cameras proved useful in showing what happened but clearly didn't deter the action in the first place nor make the manager feel like it should have been logged and dealt with.

IAmBooyhoo I'm not saying that they are but at least with a camera I could watch it as often as I like to make sure that my child is being treated properly and remove my child if I see anything wrong. At least I would have a chance to see the wrongdoing iyswim? Otherwise with a pre verbal child an incident could happen and I would probably never know.

oh yes i do know what you mean and i agree there would be a higher chance of you noticing if things weren't right.

Sounds to me you are more trying to convince yourself it's the right thing for her, and it's not really about what the FIL thinks, but more how you really feel about it. Sometimes we just have to balance the needs of the mother with the needs of the child, and if going to work means you can be a better mummy when you are there then it sounds like it is working for you.