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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have put FIL in his place about nursery

470 replies

pointbreak · 27/04/2012 13:55

Out of the blue he announced he thought it was a shame that DD had gone to nursery at 13 months. She goes 3 days a week, 8.30 - 4.30. She is at home with me the other two days and me, DD and DH spend the weekend as a family. She is happy as larry. He now admits it has benefited her but he didn't think that before she went. Please bear in mind MIL worked in a nursery for 12 years.

He went on to tell me that they were lucky as his wife didn't need to work when their DC were young. I pointed out that we didn't NEED me to work, but my career was important to me and just as valid's as his DS's career, so why should I give it all up. I did have PND for the first 6 months of DD's life and we all know that returning to work can help with that.

So, was IBU? What else should I have said? Or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
pointbreak · 27/04/2012 15:35

Put it this way kitcatcandy. If I gave up work tomorrow I would still put my DD to nursery. Not full time, but certainly 2 or 3 half days a week. I need not convince myself of anything. I am confident and resolute in the choices our family has made.

OP posts:
kitcatcandy · 27/04/2012 15:40

Then I wouldn't worry about what your FIL thinks, sounds like you have it all in hand and he is starting to agree that it's looking that way too.

elizaregina · 27/04/2012 17:53

hardboiledpossum

I am sooo glad you have highlighted what " can" go on behind closed doors.

I worked in an old peoples home when I was 18, and saw the same thing - a huge difference in reality and treatment of the elderly, esp ones they didnt like and smiling staff greeting relatives when they came to visit. I was horrified, it never occured to me the same might happen in a nursery.

However - I suppose humans are humans where ever they are and any one with vulnerable people to watch over should be aware of this.

I am sure all those with children in nurseries are glad to hear what can go wrong, and will be that little bit extra vigilant in future, and will perhaps drop in un announced.

I have friends who have children in amazing nurseries......I think you should always keep an eye out though as one bad staff member can upset the cart.

elizaregina · 27/04/2012 17:55

ps I have to say though I am shocked about baby crying thing? I thought general consensus was to always try and console young babies?

MsPaperbackWriter · 27/04/2012 20:22

Yes you sound very defensive and I still don't buy that a long day in nursery is what a baby would choose, half a day yes, not a full 9-5.

Mayisout · 27/04/2012 20:36

I still don't buy that a long day in nursery is what a baby would choose

Is many long days at home with a depressed SAHM better?

Original poster
pointbreak · 27/04/2012 20:42

MsPaper Yes I am defensive about my choices, but also perfectly confident in my choices. I have a toddler, not a baby. And lets be honest, they don't always know best do they......

OP posts:
pictish · 27/04/2012 20:42

MrsPaperbackwriter - so don't send your baby to nursery then! You don't need to worry about anyone else's.

NeedlesCuties · 27/04/2012 21:40

I chose to be a SAHM, but accept that isn't what every mum wants to do.

I don't try to justify my choices to other people and I wouldn't expect another mum to do so to me.

One thing that made me Hmm was the POV of my MIL. She worked as a teacher and her children all were in childcare from around 5 months of age. All turned out fine and are lovely people (I'm married to her eldest son, so am clearly biased!)

Anyway, when I announced that I was giving up work to be a SAHM MIL was praising me, telling me how great it is for a child to have its mum at home and how it was a crying shame she didn't pick the same path.

Fast forward to recent months when SIL (not DH's sister) announces that she is pregnant and will be going back to work when DC is 5 months old. MIL tells her how wonderful that is, and how that is a great thing for DC and mum.

Basically, whatever works for you is what works for you. Ignore your FIL.

MsPaperbackWriter · 27/04/2012 22:02

Im not worried Pictish, I have an opinion and I will
Air it whether you like it or not.

Op - fair enough, but don't be surprised if your toddler starts to show a different kind of behaviour to going in as she becomes more vocal.

FayeGovan · 27/04/2012 22:29

hardboiledpossum, I have just posted on another thread the fact I worked in childcare and would never leave my baby in nursery too. in fact i believe most mums who have worked in nurseries wouldn't leave their own kids in them

there are some exceptions of course, but everyone I trained with feels the same as me, we had a 20 yr old meet up recently and we all agreed on this!!

Original poster
pointbreak · 28/04/2012 08:22

MsPaperback She is very vocal, very determined and strong willed. I know this. Her key workers picked up on this very quickly (see, they were paying attention!). As I said, she goes in and puts her arms out for a hug from her key worker and then wants down to play with her pals. Even if she was not vocal, I think behaviour like that demonstrates she is happy. It is hardly as if she is trying to convey to me she is unhappy but lacks the vocal ability to do it, is it?

At the nursery my DD attends there are actually a few children of staff there, which I think is a positive thing.

What I would like to know is whether those of you who have/do work in nurseries and have such poor opinions of them - what have you done to try and change the way babies are treated in the nursery you worked at? What you done to try and change the industry which you feel is inadequate?

OP posts:
Yama · 28/04/2012 08:49

There are about four women with young children at my ds's nursery. They all put their child/ren in this nursery. Some of the other woman are childless, some have adult children. I know them quite well as my dd went there too. Oh, there is a male working there too.

I am susprised by horrible stories about nurseries on here. I pick up ds at dfferent times. The doors to all the rooms are open. I will happily look into any room. The babies are usually in the arms of one of the same two women who have worked there throughout the 6 and a half years I have been using the nursery.

There are good nurseries out there.

molly3478 · 28/04/2012 09:51

FayeGovan - That is why you think nurseres are rubbish as you are goingoff 20 years ago, and thats why what you write about them is xtremely outdated.

To other posters most people I know with a background in childcare have thir child in nursery nowadays, whether they are with them or not.

welliebobs · 28/04/2012 11:14

I have work in a nursery for 16 years and never witnessed the things hardboiled is saying.

I have found that most nursery staff are dedicated and have a really love for the children.

Most children are happy in nursery and enjoy all the activities which they don't get to do at home whilst playing with other children their age with activities that have been set out to enhance their indiviual learning. Nurseries always get slated on here usually by the the smug sahp!

When my ds1 started school (had been in nursery part time since 1year old) there where 5 children who started from his nursery with him the teacher said we can't half tell the ones who have been to nursery their social\selfhelp skill are wonderful they can put their own coats on and sit nicely on the carpet at story time. Use a knife and fork correctly.plus many other thing that the children who had been at home with parent till starting school could not do!

Some people choose to stay at home, some choose not too some have no choice and have to work. But we all try to do what's best for our children and putting each other down and making others feel guilty is not the answer.

FayeGovan · 28/04/2012 19:26

molly, thats true, but I recently did supply in a nursery and it re inforced my memories

MsPaperbackWriter · 28/04/2012 19:45

What I meant is dont be surprised if she changes as she gets older and wants to be with you more than there.

WheresMrMonkey · 28/04/2012 19:58

Don't like nurseries at all, dont see any problem in saying this. Think it's a positive thing when family feel they can discuss important matters, instead of just bitching behind backs. It's not going to stop you sending her is it?

perfumedlife · 28/04/2012 20:14

I sent my ds to nursery two mornings a week when he was nine months old. I had to really as serious health issues meant I was attending hospital a lot. He cried going in pretty much for the first six months, then seemed to settle. However, now he is 7 and we drive past the nursery returning from school, he never misses an opportunity to say 'mum, thank goodness I don't need to go back there' and a little bit of my soul cries.

I thought it was a great nursery, lots of good personal reccomendations but on his last week there they let me down badly and it was just chance I discovered this. I hope it was a one off but torture myself with doubt.

Saying all that, I had made the decison to send him due to family circumstances and no offers of help from extended family. If those same family members then proffered their criticisms they would be told where to go.

Original poster
pointbreak · 29/04/2012 14:22

Well, if that is the case paperback I will try and find out why she doesn't want to go. I remember sometimes not wanting to do things when I was little (some days I didn't want to go to play group, for no rational reason at all) but mum was adamant I was going. She wanted me to learn, that sometimes, just sometimes, we all have to do things that we don't. Obviously if there was any serious reason I would reconsider our position. I don't suppose all young children want to go to school everyday, but I don't think parents should let them have the choice.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 29/04/2012 14:53

IME as soon as you get a situation where there are vulnerable people who don't have a voice (pre-verbal babies, children with learning disabilities, older people with dementia) you will get some workers who treat them appallingly. It's like there are some people, women mainly, who seek out jobs in nurseries, care homes and schools for children with disabilities so that they can have someone to push around. I worked in a few schools for children with disabilities and invariably there were always one or two staff who were unnecessarily rough or strict with the children, who talked about them and their parents in front of them and who obviously didn't care one jot about the children. They seemed to enjoy the power they felt dealing with a vulnerable person and because they knew the person couldn't report them they felt invincible.

I once came into a classroom where there was a girl with cerebral palsy who could only say yes and no but who could understand language perfectly. That didn't stop her carers from mocking her hairstyle, making rude comments about her mother and pushing her about the place without informing her where they were going. I changed that pretty fast but even when I explained why I was objected to what they were doing they didn't seem the get that this girl was a person who couldn't be treated like a stuffed doll just because she couldn't speak. They only did what I asked because they knew I was watching them like a hawk. The overall ethos of that school was just lovely, the headteacher was amazing, it was just a small bunch of staff who were shit. They would sit in the staffroom at lunchtime making fun of the children :(

I wouldn't put my child in a nursery because I know the kinds of people who work there. I'm sure some nurseries are brilliant, but IME there will always be one or two bad apples whose negative behaviour is of a low enough level that they can't be reprimanded or fired, but who do damage to the children through their nastiness.

I know I won't treat my son badly, that's why I look after him myself.

Original poster
pointbreak · 29/04/2012 15:05

Very sad story cailin, very sad. Every part of my mothering instincts tell me (and what I see) the woman who look after my DD won't treat her badly. And don't treat her badly. I don't think she would be putting her arms out for a hug as soon as she saw them if that were the case. But if that ever changes, she is out of there.

I do appreciate there are some bad nurseries out there. Just like there are some bad schools. And people can only make assumptions and are making sweeping assumptions on what they have seen first hand (although some make them without having seen a bloody thing), but surely they can appreciate that doesn't mean ALL nurseries are bad. I think my DD's nursery is great, but I would not assume ALL nurseries are great. It works both ways folks.

OP posts:
tinkerbel72 · 29/04/2012 15:38

She is your child and it's your decision- sounds like she is fine and even your FIL admits that.

What has really shocked me about this thread is the people who admit to working in nurseries where the standards are poor and have just carried on doing so rather than doing anything about it

I agree that in any situation with vulnerable people , there are a minority of people who will abuse or take advantage sadly. However, the majority of nurseries/ schools/ care homes are perfectly good. Unfortunately we only get to hear the horror stories about bad ones, which gives ammunition to the scare mongerers.

I gave up work after dd1 precisely because I was over anxious about leaving her in childcare. I didn't think she could be as happy without me etc. When she turned 2 I put her in nursery a couple of mornings as I felt she needed it and it was fantastic. I got a part time job soon after, and when I had my ds I returned to work when he was 8 months old and was perfectly reassured about leaving him in childcare this time. He is now a healthy happy 10 year old. If anything , he was more sociable and resilient than dd so it's nonsense to make sweeping statements about childcare not being good

There are good and not so good nurseries out there- but there are good and bad families too! Let's keep it in proportion though

CailinDana · 29/04/2012 16:22

It's just the unknown I would worry about I suppose. But I'm aware that I have a slightly skewed opinion on it all. I would worry about putting a child who isn't able to speak in sentences in childcare just because I know from experience that those are the ones likely to get the worst treatment due to the fact that they can't speak up.

PooPooInMyToes · 29/04/2012 17:07

Wow some of these stories are shocking!

I also have a few friends who work in nurseries, really nice nurseries actually but they all say the same, that they wouldn't put their own child in one. I asked why and they have each said its because its an unnatural environment for a child to grow up in.

Someone mentioned bad childminders. Can they elaborate?