LAPDANCE

[reeniemartini]

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

It would be a deal breaker for me if DP went to a strip or lap dancing club.

I think I would give him the benefit of doubt this time.
He seems genuinely sorry unless he's a particularly good actor

No, I don't think YABU. I would be freaked out, angry and upset about this HOWEVER if my DP was as upset and disgusted with himself as yours is and had been as honest with you as he has been it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. If he did it again though, it would. I hate stuff like that. Sorry you are feeling so sad.

I wouldn't mind DH going to a lapdancing club (he has been once on a stag do- not his) but would mind him having a private dance. Turning it around, he would be pretty pissed off if I had a private dance with a male stripper. At least he told you though.

I think you can only feel how you feel. I think I'd accept his apology and let him know that you have done so, whilst also wanting to find out why he thinks he did it.

I would be very upset. In the past...before I knew about feminism I would have been fine with it. It's wrong to pay women for sexual favours and this aspect would bother me more than the fact that he desired another female.

Which is reallty a big part of it all too.

It's wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, I don't think, because of his honesty about it. But I'm not you.

I must be more open minded than I thought. It was a stag night, not an everyday occurrence and it was 3 minutes. He told you. I think it will all be okay.

Yes, that's true MrsShitty

I wouldn't like it at all but you have to think of the bigger picture.

In his defence; he is remorseful, has been honest with you, seems genuinely regretful and sounds like he would never do this again. Doesn't seem like he enjoyed it that much either.

Personally, I would be pretty pissed off but glad to know the truth. You can make as little or as much of it as you like, it all boils down to how much you love each other and the likelihood of him ever doing this again. If you had any doubts that he would, that would be a deal breaker IMO. He has to earn back your trust.

I think the fact he told you straight away is a good thing he clearly feels sorry/very guilty. For me personally this one off wouldn't be a deal breaker I think but only you know how you feel. I would say don't do anything suddenly take time to process and think. Also ask him why he thinks he did such a disrespectful thing.

I think YABU and a drama queen.

It sounds like this has really dented your trust in him and I think you have every right to be as angry and upset as you like about it. However we all make mistakes and it does sound like your fiancé has handled it with honesty and integrity. From what you have said, I sincerely doubt he'll do it again.

It sounds like, just as you thought you'd be 'cool' with it, hrme didn't realise the intimacy of what probably seemed a silly bit of fun until he'd done it. My advice is ti let yourself get angry/sulk/cry/whatever then try and put it behind you.

I might have been more accepting about it in previous times, but now it would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Only you know how you feel.

He sounds genuinely contrite. I don't think it's a deal breaker at all. He just got caught up the moment. I think it's good that he told you and you didn't end up finding out via FB (for example). Don't kill yourself wanting all the details. She's a stripper and isn't going to pose a threat outside of the unusual context of a strip bar (which he will unlikely visit again).
Good luck!

Thank you all so much.

I've really tried to find out the motivation behind it. He just says he got "caught up in the moment" and was too drunk. My problem was that he says he had it virtually as he walked through the door, my argument is - what moment were you caught up in? You'd only just stepped though the door and off you went without a second thought.

I would class it as cheating tbh.

Wouldn't be a big deal for me, especially if he came and told me. I think you are BU and a bit over-dramatic.

Oh, and it isnt a case of being 'open minded' or not. FGS.

OP - I'm thinking about the fact that what would piss me off more is not his disrespect for me - I'm confident he fancies me but can understand him being titilated by others, but the real-life sordid disrespect of the lapdancer.

Sounds like he is really sorry and at least he was honest & sorry enough to tell you. Can't have expected him to sit outside while the others went in however he didn't hav to hav a dance!! That was pretty shit. I wouldnt call everything off for this, Look forward to the wedding and just make sure he knows if he does anything like that again its over!!

... but I can understand that some men have not really thought about that until they do it. They are brought up to objectify women.

I would react the same way as you op, you are perfectly entitled to be upset and for your dp to know this, however on this occasion what with his coming clean and hopefully being genuinely remorseful I could get past it as long as it didn't happen again!