LAPDANCE

[reeniemartini]

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

AutumnSummers I don't think your analogy holds up. Unless of course you also work in a sleazy industry designed to exploit women, some of whom are victims of sex trafficking, whilst also contributing to the rise in violence and objectification of women?

Not read through, so apologies if I'm repeating anything. He's been a dick. A complete and utter dick. He is, however, a repentant dick who I doubt will ever do it again. It doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship, but it does mean that he's got some grovelling and earning of your trust to do. Don't make any hasty decisions. xxx

Again, for some people it seems that if men pay for it it somehow doesn't count. If he '(went) off with some random in a bar' how would it be any different from what he did do? With the exception of the fact that the woman would actually be an equal partner?

nothing wrong with a man having a bit of character IMO

Gravity that was my thinking. Like the OP's DH to be, I don't think Mr. Pru is aware I have strong feelings about his attending a club per se. It wasn't until I took the time to examine my feelings on reading this thread that I realised I had any strong feelings of that ilk.

I think an open and positive chat about it is the way forward (isn't that the answer to EVERY AIBU?!)

I hate to say it, but if you are going to make your husband cry whenever he does anything you haven't pre-approved then in my view you will certainly be helping him to do things behind your back. I bet if there is a next time he won't tell you - and would be sensible not to.

As has been said above, this is a woman earning money in a particular way, and he paid. If he had come home and said 'the stupid bitch didn't get any money from me, I knew I could get away with it because she was a woman, silly tart' I could see your point, but it sounds like he respectfully paid up and at £20 for 3 mins paid quite a lot.

I'm not minimising his behaviour either. I object to being told that because it wouldn't be a big deal for me that I am minimising what he did. Next thing you know anyone who doesn't have a big problem with it will somehow be a pimp.

not minimising this but im not catastrophising it as leave the bastard either

and as i said i dont believe some of you would be so strident and end an otherwise good relationship

Anyway, where has the OP gone? Probably hidden the thread.

Was thinking the same SB

agree with you DublinMammy and scottishmummy

IMO there are worse things he could do than have a lapdance and be really regretfull of it afterwards. Sounds to me that he was having regrets before he told the OP anyway.

I don't share the same perspective on the sex industry that you do aussie I am well aware that there are seedy corners to the industry but I will not condemn an entire industry on the back of te fact that abuse takes place in some quarters of it. If you are going to do that with the sex industry then you have to do it with all industries, otherwise you are a hypocrite becaue abuse of men, women and children takes place in all industry.

I've alraedy placed this argument on Mumsnet and, apparently, unless a woman is being raped in these industries, it's not the same thing. I see where you are coming from but until I'm presented with a sound argument that proves that every sex worker was bullied or sold into it then I just can't sing the same song as you on this.

I believe that people are capable of choosing their own career path independantly and decide on it by what they and not others are comfortable with. No-one has the right to tell anyone what to do- or what NOT to do -with their own body.

From an economic perspective, clamping down on the supply (of sexual services) has the effect of increasing scarcity and raising prices. This is why it's also so important to tackle the demand side of the equation, i.e. going after the men who want to rent women's bodies.

So the individual stripper - getting rid of her doesn't change much, she's expendable and unfortunately, easily replaced.

What we need to change is the societal norm that strip clubs are acceptable. We need to tackle the attitudes of people who see it as harmless fun and justify men's participation by inebriation, peer pressure or convention.

We need men to stop thinking that it's ok to hire women for sexual services. And it's ok for their partners to find it highly distasteful, reflective of a questionable character and to consider it as infidelity.

I wouldn't blame her Vivi. Perhaps they are at the Lap Dancing place apologising?

Yes, I guess open talks help with most AIBUs.

I guess you could start that talk by talking about your way of thinking today? Say you read this interesting thread on mumsnet with loads of different opinions and it really made you investigate your own feelings a bit more and you feel incredibly uncomfortable with it because of X. I think that might be a good intro into the topic and not too much of a big talk, it could be done while clearing the dishes or whatever, but you would get to do it in a conversational way.

I always go with the idea that if it makes you uncomfortable it's worth talking about it.

I'm with whoever said they have no problem with their DH going into a lapdancing club, but they would have a problem with a private dance.

In the OP's situation, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me if it was definitely a one-off.

I am sorry, that was to Vivi

My DH has had all sorts of shit in previous jobs - mainly from blokes in sales - for refusing to go to lap dancing clubs.

Apparently group bonding requires that men go and buy the right to discuss women's breasts and genitals, loudly and drunkly, in front of the women themselves. And carry on the 'jokes' in the office the next day about how they should have gotten a discount for the one with the fat arse or 'no tits'.

Funnily enough they also had a problem with him hiring female staff. Absolutely unrelated I'm sure.

Autumn I knew a woman who used to be a poledancer in one of these clubs and was looking to get back into it. So there's an example of a worker who was not bullied or sold into it. I think thats one of the reasons why sex clubs dont really bother me.

Say you read this interesting thread on mumsnet

He would FREAK OUT if he knew I spent my days sloping round here! But yes you're right, that is precisely how I'd bring it up (without the MN reference )

hopefully she gone for some real life reflection
some where away from the get your keys get your bag,never have a daughter or family money with him

lol best bit was the suggestion her dp go back and apologise to the female lapdancer

oh dear christ
ewwrrr, hell-o. im here because the missus made me come and say sorry for being a naughty boy. i apologise for not immediately calling you a minicab home. gosh i hope you didnt get a chill with so few clothes on....i apologise for paying over the odds at the inflated bar

Totally agree with Autumn @ post 19:23:08

Some people will wright off an entire industry because some people have been abused within it.

They rarely write off the computer industry, mobile phone industry, chocolate, tea, flowers etc...

Even though many men, women and children are abused appallingly within some of those industries.

Autumn, I'd be interested to hear what positives you can see in the industry for women? For the vast majority of women, I doubt there are many.

If it were lucrative, enjoyable or the start of a positive career... then why don't more heterosexual men want in? Why don't we encourage our daughters, sisters or friends to join the industry? Why don't you want in?

I think your argument's fatal flaw is assuming that women are choosing sexual services independently. For many women, other issues have influenced their decision, so it wasn't made freely. Poverty, previous history of abuse, lack of other viable career options or education, the normalisation of the objectification of women - these confounding factors have a huge influence.

Vivi why would have freak out if he thought you posted on MN?