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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

LAPDANCE

533 replies

reeniemartini · 24/04/2012 18:08

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
littlemslazybones · 24/04/2012 19:00

This probably sounds crazy but I think I would want him to apologise to the woman he bought a dance from.

I don't think this would go well!

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 19:00

This probably sounds crazy but I think I would want him to apologise to the woman he bought a dance from

Yes, that does sound crazy.

What's she supposed to say?

"I forgive you for helping me pay my mortgage?"

Mrbojangles1 · 24/04/2012 19:02

Stop worra peoples post are actally making giggle now

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/04/2012 19:02

What did I do, MagsAloof? I think you might have got my posts and Mrbojangles1 muddled up. I didn't say, "fun and games" BTW, he did. I think any sexual behaviour for money is disgusting. And, I have worked with both male and female sex workers (both sets of clients were male, though).

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2012 19:03

Yes, from now on all stag nights are to be held in Starbucks. No drinking, no supporting the sex industry, no tying people naked to lampposts. In bed for 10pm.

2ombie5layer · 24/04/2012 19:04

My DH has been to strip clubs twice and had one lapdance. Didnt bother me as I knew they were both special nights out and I know my DH and its the sort of thing he'd do just to see what all the fuss is about. Id be upset if he went more, but on the whole it doesnt bother me.

I think in your case OP DH wasnt really thinking and is genuinely sorry. Hope you can come to terms with this.

aussiecita · 24/04/2012 19:04

neverquitesure - I appreciate what you're trying to say.

For me, I don't really see how it makes it any better that he was weak and gave in to pressure, or that he was drunk. At the end of the day, he's letting a naked woman grind on him, which would go against the expectation of monogamy that they presumably had.

Leaving the sex industry aside for a second, what's to stop him from getting it on with an attractive woman in a bar? What if a group of his drunken, rowdy mates are egging him on there? He's proven he has no qualms about getting his kicks with other women.

Let me repeat to the OP: it's ok if this is a dealbreaker for you.

It doesn't make you frigid, closed-minded, hysterical, a drama queen, a silly woman, anti-sex or anything else you might have read above.

You don't need to accept this as "men letting off steam", "harmless fun", "boys being boys" or "everyone puts up with traits they don't like in their partners".

Repeating Magsaloof here because she's nailed it: "Lapdancing clubs exist precisely to legitimise men leering over naked women, which they know would be socially unacceptable and wrong in any other situation."

It's perfectly fine to see this as infidelity and end the relationship because of it.

neverquitesure · 24/04/2012 19:05

Mags, people do not generally think to challenge that which is deemed socially acceptable until they have encountered it first hand. Oskar Schindler stood to one side and watched the Nazis take many of his Jewish workers before rejecting his society's accepted norm and going on to save 1100 Jews.

Do you really think the OP's fiance cannot change?

FreudianSlipper · 24/04/2012 19:06

what can men only enjoy themselveson on a stag do if part of the night is comparing snail trails Hmm

KittyMcAllister · 24/04/2012 19:06

YANBU. My DH did this on his stag do even though he knew how I felt about it. I found out the day before the wedding because of one his friends blurted it out by mistake. I was v upset and hurt. But like your OH he was really, really sorry about it and never did it again - it was out of character, his friends had dragged him there, he was steaming drunk - so hopefully you can get past this.

Beachcomber · 24/04/2012 19:06

She can say what she likes obviously.

To me it would mean that he has recognised that this woman may lurrrve being treated like a sex object for cash but she may not. He doesn't know. Him apologising to her won't take the money away from her - it will show that he considers her, and by extension all woman, as human beings worthy of equality and respect.

And that would count for me more than anything else really.

He doesn't have to approach her in person - that may seem a bit stalkery to her. I'm sure there is a way a message could be passed to this woman.

ViviPru · 24/04/2012 19:08

This thread has thrown up some interesting thoughts for me.

DP has been on countless stag dos (at least 3 per year for the last 6 years or so) across a broad spectrum of friends. Every single one has involved a visit to a Gentleman's Establishment Hmm

I'm not particularly thrilled about it, but I accept that its the social norm. He has never had a 'dance' and actually the last one he spent texting me from the club about how bored he was.

The worm has turned now though as he's now going to be a stag himself. I know that his stagees will probably expect something of this nature on his stag do. And his best man will certainly include it in the agenda without even really questioning it.

I'm wondering whether I make it clear now that I'm not happy for them to visit a lapdancing club whatsoever (because I'm not, really) or just leave it up to his own (very good) judgement.....

BupcakesandCunting · 24/04/2012 19:10

I've only read the first page. Cba reading any more as I suspect that I will only get depressed by other women's attitudes to the exploitation of women.

Humour me though, someone. Have we had: strippers paying way through law school/earning sixty thousand pounds an hour/empowerment of women therefore exploitation of men?

ZZZenAgain · 24/04/2012 19:10

it is entirely up to you if you want to go ahead and marry him - or not. If you are having second thoughts because of this, fair enough. If you feel you can still be with him and want to marry him regardless, it is ok. We don't have to do it, you do.

YANBU to dislike it and worry about it. There will be other stag parties and occasions too, won't there? I would give myself some time before making any kind of a big decision but if it isn't for you, it isn't and that is fine IMO.

Mrbojangles1 · 24/04/2012 19:10

We gone from lap dancing, to he could go off with some random in a bar Grin

That's right op he had a lap dance what to stop him comminting mass murder now he's a deviant their no ways back run for the hills Wink

NarkedPuffin · 24/04/2012 19:11

You know what? A lot of men don't think it's ok. They think it's sleazy, a small step away from paying for sex, disrespectful to women etc etc. But they don't say it very loudly because they get accused of being somehow less 'manly' for not wanting to treat women as sex dolls.

In the 90s, it wasn't considered 'acceptable' or 'normal' for the majority of men to go to these places. Strippers were something that, for the majority of men, they'd only ever see at a stag do. A women hired to dance around topless and embarrass the groom. Then lap dancing clubs became so common that people started to view them as acceptable. And what goes on there is a world away from the balloon down the groom's trousers, bring-their-own-cassette-player kind of stripper of the past.

From the 1960s women have been fighting to be treated as equals not objects. Do you really think that it's a good thing to have places that suspend that and actively encourage groups of men to buy a woman's body for their personal entertainment? Do you think they leave this attitude at the door on their way home?

aussiecita · 24/04/2012 19:11

I think Beachcomber has nailed it too.

ViviPru - You say that "I don't like it one little bit..." and "the sooner that trend [of going to strip clubs on stag nights] passes the better"

How the hell can this trend come to pass if people, especially women, don't speak out about it?

Look at all the posters here, including you, minimizing his terrible behaviour! it's not ok just because he was drunk. It's not ok because he was egged on by mates. It's not ok because the woman received money, which she presumably needed. It's just not ok.

AutumnSummers · 24/04/2012 19:11

I think that if I was apologised to for doing my job that I would be deeply offended. To outright assume that a person must feel in some way violated in their work because it doesn;t match one's own moral code is pure arrogance and really patronising.

In OP's case things seem resolved. A forced apology on his behalf would be demeaning to everyone involved imho

ViviPru · 24/04/2012 19:11

Not quite, Bup. Retrospectively apologising to strippers has made an unexpected appearance though...

QuickLookBusy · 24/04/2012 19:12

OP in your 8 years together you must have discussed Lap Dancing Clubs. If he knows you are so against them then you have every right to be very upset by this.

Mrbojangles1 · 24/04/2012 19:13

ViviPru he is a grown up and if you have been together long enough I am certain he knows your views why not let him be a grown up and choose for himself with out any pressure from you

ViviPru · 24/04/2012 19:13

Look at all the posters here, including you, minimizing his terrible behaviour!

I'm not minimising his terrible behaviour, I'm taking a measured approach to helping resolve the OPs conflicting feelings. I'm simply saying that only the OP can decide whether it's a step too far and I don't believe there is a universal one-size-fits-all response in these particular circumstances.

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2012 19:14

But isn't the rights and wrongs of whether lapdancing places exist a whole other thread?

I'm not sure the OP wanted a bunfight, just some help.

GravityDefier · 24/04/2012 19:15

Of course you can make it clear Vivi, I don't see why not. I would and have made it clear to DP. I am very against the whole idea behind it for a variety of reasons. And I think he can very much decide what goes on on his stag do. Social norm my as, honestly. Why is it ok for a man who is about to marry to use a strange female for sexual pleasure when it is not beforehand or when he is married? It doesn't add up. And I don't really buy into the whole peer pressure thing. not if the male in question is out of their teens at least.

What sometimes worries me is whether him knowing I am so against it actually means he would be more likely to keep it from me if he was ever in the OP's husband's situation.

But back to Vivi, could you make it more of a chat than a 'I say no' if you know what I mean?

scottishmummy · 24/04/2012 19:15

only read 1st page?
aye it shows judging by that piss poor summation