LAPDANCE

[reeniemartini]

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

Drunk and caught up in a moment? So what else does he get up to drunk and in the moment?

Sorry MagsAloof. Why a FGS?

I loathe this kind of thing and find it repulsive. However, the deal breaker for me would be if he thought it was OK, said he's do it again and/or hid it from you. He sounds contrite and like a reality hit him. Maybe that is enough for you and maybe it isn't.

I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.

That pretty much sums up how I would feel about it.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

I think I would wonder what else he was capable of doing when he was drunk and got a bit carried away about too.

Reserve the right to cast it up in every argument for the rest of his life.

That'll teach'm. Silly boy.

My dh wouldn't do this, mostly because he wouldn't want to but also partly because he knows how I'd feel about it. I'm writing that because you say you had thought you were cool with it, bit of a laugh etc - if your dp knew that was your approach, he might expect you not to have minded? Had you ever discussed what they'd do on the stag night, I believe lapdancing clubs (sadly) are quite common?
I'd say the fact he regrets it is a big deal and you can move on from this.

Ditto to MrsShitty. YANBU!!

You don't have to forgive him for this. It's perfectly ok if this is a dealbreaker for you. It certainly would be for me.

The fact is, this behaviour would have been awful enough if it was a random woman from a bar, work or wherever. I don't see how it makes it any better that he PAID for someone to get naked for him and excite him sexually.

In fact, it's worse because strip clubs have been shown to have some pretty terrible effects on society - violence increases in the area, it provides a market for victims of sex trafficking. Even just generally, it contributes to men seeing women as sexual objects who can be bought and sold.

I find it highly disturbing that women's bodies are seen as a commodity that can be rented, bought & sold - and someone else, usually a man, is profitting from that. I definitely couldn't stand to be with someone who participated in that and betrayed me in the process.

in a social situation he conformed and yielded to a lad peer pressure
now only you know if he holds unhealthy or sexist views of women or he is daft and suggestible when with the lads

i have no experience of this.i would be unhappy,wouldnt like it.it is an exploitative industry

but im not sure it automatically renders him a total git beyond redemption for doing this. you will naturally get some shrill advice to leave him hes bastard/abuser/bound to do it again. ignore the dafetr kick im to kerb, leave him posts

It does make him a big daft laddies who follows the crowd.that he needs to work upon,a strategy if ever uender extreme social pressure again

He sounds like a really good guy, who did a silly thing whilst pissed, felt crap about it and came clean straight away. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like you have a great relationship to me.

FGS, because being anti-sex industry doesn't mean you are some close minded prude.

Oh, poor you :(
I'd feel exactly the same. I don't know if it would be a deal-breaker, but I know that it would make me feel anxious when he would be going out with that same circle of friends. I think that it would also worry me if we went on to have a daughter- I'd know that somewhere in his head he thought it was okay to buy a sexual experience from a woman.
As others said, I'd also be worried what else he did when he was drunk.

If reeniemartini was anti sex industry she could have given dp a heads up about that over the last eight years.

would be a deal breaker for me, drunk or not.

being up close to a beautiful young naked woman whose purpose is to turn him on? do you know they usually grind against the mens laps to give them a hard on? its cheating in my book.

if dh did this he'd be gone, simple as. do you have DC btw? if so, how do you feel about him spending family money on this kind of thing?

you will find there is a strong divide on MN on this subject btw op

He sounds too 'sorry' to me!

Well that's me told.

too sorry.thats v cryptic
what do you mean

Sorry I think your being ott my oh went to a lap dancing club on his stag do the world has not fallen in and our marriage is very happy

On the other hand my ex would never go to a lap dancing club he was a bastared refuses to pay for his child was a awful shag and a bad father and a even worse boyfriend but hay no I think if going to a lap dancing club is a deal braker then you have your priories very wrong their are lots of thing that make a bad bf/ oh going to a stag do once or twice in your life is not one of them

It's almost laughable that a person would end their marriage over their oh going to a lap dancing club once dear lord

the one saving grace is that he confessed to it i suppose. but i would be wondering if he only told you for fear that someone else would.

awwww, i am so :( on your behalf x

To be honest the private dance is a bit yuk a couple of nights on the sofa and a nice expesnsive pairs of should do

The fact that the OP's friend was a lapdancer and she was cool with this suggests she's more upset about what she sees as infidelity, rather than concern about the sex industry

Get out of the relationship as quickly as possible.

You have just discovered not only are you capable of being manipulated by feminist stereo-types but also that you put the views of people on mums net before your relationship.

if youre really considering it a deal breaker best tell him now.i presume no kids involved?

Maybe it never occurred to her to have an opinion on the sex industry? many women don't unless they are confronted with their own partner's use of porn, strip clubs etc.

Let's not assume anything, though.

I agree with Sparklingbrook.
It sounds like he now realises how sordid and nasty it is, to some extent as he says "it felt like cheating". I realise this leaves aside the feminist point of view but I don't think that's what is important to OP and her fiance at this moment. She can see if he needs educating regarding that down the line.

Hope you'll sort it out, OP, it sounds like he's really sorry and I really agree that the fact he told you counts in his favour.