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Original poster

LAPDANCE

533 replies

reeniemartini · 24/04/2012 18:08

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
Nyac · 24/04/2012 18:35

As long as he doesn't mind you dressing up in knickers and a fishnet top with no bra and bumping and grinding against the next strange man that takes your fancy, it'll all be OK.

gafhyb · 24/04/2012 18:35

Mags - was that in reply to me? I mentioned it because in her OP she says " I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am" So, unlike, those of us who have never met a sex worker, she has had a bit of a chance to think about it.

neverquitesure · 24/04/2012 18:36

aussiecita - whilst I agree with some/most of what you said I would strongly disagree that it is no better than hooking up with some random woman in a bar. All the evidence is that he paid for an experience in order to fit in with his peers and conform to society's definition of men having a good time on a stag night, which is very different from paying "for someone to get naked for him and excite him sexually". He has shown remorse and will doubtless not do this again.

Mrbojangles1 · 24/04/2012 18:36

In my view domestic abuse, cheating, a life of crime is somthing to end a relationship over not a lap dance wow

Do listen to these silly women they would let you call of your wedding to the love of yur life be lone possibly for years while they sit in the conformt of a marriage I don't believe for one sec they would leave their oh possibly of 10-15 years over a lap dance

I don't think they would have the bottle to make their children fatherless over one lap Dane

Men who go all the time or who go on Theri own is a bit wired but on a stag do once really

gafhyb · 24/04/2012 18:37

I think I agree with that neverquitesure

MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 18:40

Silly women> Wow, you are a catch, arent you?@Mrbojangles1

The OP should do what she feels is right and best for her.

I used to be a 'lap dancer' (stupid term). Yes, really. I had 'an opinion' on the sex industry. Oh, it's all a harmless bit of fun isnt it? the women who do it are empowered and do it because they want to, don't they? Its good money, isnt it? te men are all just great husbands and fahers, letting off a bit of steam, arent they?

You've been fed that line and have swallowed it hook, line and sinker...and anyone who disagrees is a hairy lesbian man hater, right?

NarkedPuffin · 24/04/2012 18:40

How is a lapdance not cheating? What, it's ok if you pay for it and have an audience?

scottishmummy · 24/04/2012 18:40

and you know what i dont believe all the strident kickass stuff posted on mn
i dont think most would leave their partner over this,despite all the yo yo go sista strident posts. i do think some posters vicariously post what they would like to do or what they reckon should happen

take your own judgement call dont let the mn jury decide

scrablet · 24/04/2012 18:41

I am anti sex industry. I do not feel the need to explain this to DH. It is obvious because of my personal opinions on most matters and also the way I live my life. (respecting other people.)
fgs.

littlemslazybones · 24/04/2012 18:42

'I used to be a 'lap dancer' (stupid term). Yes, really. I had 'an opinion' on the sex industry. Oh, it's all a harmless bit of fun isnt it? the women who do it are empowered and do it because they want to, don't they? Its good money, isnt it? te men are all just great husbands and fahers, letting off a bit of steam, arent they?'

I think the OP's dp also fell for this cultural myth and realised, quite quickly, that this was not the reality of it.

gafhyb · 24/04/2012 18:42

Mags - well my last post was ironic, eh? Grin

MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 18:42

If you found out that your DP had allowed a woan at work to strp down to her pants and gyrate in his face, would you call that cheating?

But because he stuck £20 down on her fanny and she is a 'dancer' (not a real woman Hmm) its OK?

Twisted logic.

MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 18:42

woman at work, sorry

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 18:43

i do think some posters vicariously post what they would like to do or what they reckon should happen

I agree with that

It's so easy to type those 3 little words "Leave the bastard", when it's the relationship of an internet stranger you're talking about.

StrandedBear · 24/04/2012 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 18:43

I would leave my DH over this, damn straight. Nothing 'go sista' about it.

Feminism, people. Look it up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/04/2012 18:44

I actually think there have been a range of views on this thread. The MN jury is not convicting this man unanimously. I think OP needs to look at her own situation. If this makes her DP understand the repulsive nature of the sex industry, so much the better.

gafhyb · 24/04/2012 18:44

I don't think it's OK. I can believe that some people don't realise it's not OK until they actually do it.

MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 18:44

It is much, much easier (and more common) for women to put up with shit they deep down dont like or agree with just to 'keep their man'

Bollocks to that.

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2012 18:44

Is a woman at work likely to do that though Mags?

littlemslazybones · 24/04/2012 18:45

scrablet Yes, I agree. But given OP thought she was cool with this kind of stuff it is reasonable for him to think that it might fall within her comfort zone.

My dh knows what I think about the sex industry and wouldn't step over those boundaries. (Although,it helps that he shares my view)

neverquitesure · 24/04/2012 18:45

Exactly littlemslazybones, it seems that it's ok for women to have a learning curve and to change their opinions and challenge cultural norms regarding the sex industry but not for men.

Mrbojangles1 · 24/04/2012 18:45

NarkedPuffin makes me laugh how many net mums are so anti lap dance screaming exploitation, divorce and how awful it is

Mostly it will be these women who will be in the font row of the dream boys swaying to the beat and squirting the baby oil

Funny how you never hear women calling for husbands to leave mumsnetters who attend these hen nights

ApocalypseThen · 24/04/2012 18:46

I think on this one you've got to own your feelings - you're hurt, upset and feel betrayed and I think all of those emotions are appropriate right now. There's so much pressure on women to see lapdancing as a bit of a laugh and minimise it, but it's really not that funny and it does mean something.

OP, I see that he told you this story because it felt like cheating. This demonstrates that he has some respect for you. However, if I were thinking of where the relationship goes from here, I think I'd need to understand whether he actually thinks that this kind of exploitation of women is OK. Not whether he thinks it's OK to betray me in this way, but whether he thinks it's OK to buy sexual access to women.

To me, it wouldn't be the event that would end the relationship (although if my partner did this to me I think a piece of me would die a bit), but the attitude.

gafhyb · 24/04/2012 18:47

Mags - I think that letting one occasion go, given the right circumstances, is not the same as "putting up with" something. This goes for many things in long-term relationships.

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