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Original poster

LAPDANCE

533 replies

reeniemartini · 24/04/2012 18:08

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 18:47

How is that relevant? The context doesn't change what it is.

Lapdancing clubs exist precisely to legitimise men leering over naked women, which they know would be socially unacceptable and wrong in any other situation.

Justify that if you're down with it. Good for you. But dont criticise me for objecting.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/04/2012 18:47

Mrbojangles1 I have never seen the Dreamboys. I won't say what else I want to say because I would be banned form MN

neverquitesure · 24/04/2012 18:48

"I don't think it's OK. I can believe that some people don't realise it's not OK until they actually do it"

Hear hear

scrablet · 24/04/2012 18:48

Fair point littlemslazybones.

Mrbojangles1 · 24/04/2012 18:48

Magsaloof I hardly think going to a stag do once is the op putting up with things to keep her man

Oh has been to one stag do in his life his own just asked my dad who is 60 how many stag do has been on he said 5 so potentially 5 lap dances in a 60 year span is hardly my mum putting up with deviant behaviour do she can keep her man

MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 18:48

Fair enough@gafhyb - I did say my opinion is that the OP should do what she feels comfortable with.

But I wanted to add another perspective other than the 'Dont worry hun, its not a big deal' claptrap she could have got from writing in to the Sun.

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2012 18:49

'Down with it'. Confused

gafhyb · 24/04/2012 18:49

Mags - I can see how you would have very little respect for men who visit these clubs. I can only imagine the shit they say and do

scottishmummy · 24/04/2012 18:50

and you leave him.dont have a daughter or family money with this man is hysterical advice too

Mrbojangles1 · 24/04/2012 18:50

MrsTerryPratchett what ever just very much doubut you be singing the same tune if a mumsnetters posted about her night out with her firends at a dream boys show

MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 18:50

The Dreamboys are stupid. And the atmosphere at one f their pathetic nights doe snot replicate the atmosphere at the average female strip joint. Honestly.

MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 18:51

Most of them are drunk. Great excuse for the missus, that, eh?

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/04/2012 18:54

Mrbojangles1 if you can't tell the difference between The Dreamboys and strip clubs with their attendant prostitution, trafficking, violence, you are not fit to be engaged with. If you also can't tell the difference between a lap dance and a repulsive and ridiculous show like The Dreamboys, you need to do some reading. I'm not going to engage with you any more because you don't need the oxygen of my engagement.

Mrbojangles1 · 24/04/2012 18:54

Magsaloof really thought you had never seen dream boys or are you one of those people rolls eyes who talks about things she actally has never witnessed

Like those people who are outraged and want to ban films they have never actally seen

But I was right you view in the opposite direction is some what mild seemly in your view nit the same when a women has a looks a loo and a man shaking that arse

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2012 18:54

I thought drinking was ok on a stag night?

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 18:54

Assuming the girls in the club want to be leered at and are happy to dance for money...that's their own choice as women.

What I think the OP's DP has misunderstood, is the fact the OP is not ok with him getting a dance.

But to be fair to him, she said herself that she thought she was cool with that.

Now they both know for sure that she isn't...and he sounds genuinely sorry for hurting her...from what she's written.

OP, I think you two can get past this.

scottishmummy · 24/04/2012 18:56

frankly most hen do are druken as are stag do

MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 18:57

Mrbojangles, I have stated quite clearly where I am coming from on this thread. Go back and read it.

Let's just say that the scales fell from my eyes some time ago with regards to the sex industry.

ViviPru · 24/04/2012 18:57

If you found out that your DP had allowed a woan at work to strp down to her pants and gyrate in his face, would you call that cheating?

Its about context though isn't it. He wouldn't be pissed as a fart at work and being egged on by others.

I'm not condoning it and agree his actions were wrong. I don't like it one little bit but in the main, a standard stag do involves lots of alcohol and a trip to a lap dancing club (sooner that trend passes the better). In the heat of the moment when you're surrounded by people normalising the situation, individuals can do things that are out of character that they later regret. Only the OP can decide if the line has been irrevocably crossed here.

Let's hope that this incident is a catalyst for a dialogue between the OP and her DH to be about what is and isn't acceptable in their relationship.

Mrbojangles1 · 24/04/2012 18:57

MrsTerryPratchett it's really wired you don't view men taking their clothing off for money in the same light

All just fun and games when men do it for women ay Wink

ViviPru · 24/04/2012 18:57

Yeah. What Worra said.

Beachcomber · 24/04/2012 18:57

You have every right to be very upset about this. I would be gutted in your position. This is one of the reasons why the current proliferation of sex encounter establishments in the UK is so pernicious - it demonstrates that wider society is accepting of the sexual exploitation of women.

OP, in your shoes I would need to know that not only did my partner regret what he had done because it was treating me awfully, but also because he understood that he has also treated the woman in the strip club awfully by participating in her sexual exploitation.

I would need him to read up on the harm sex encounter establishments do to women and how they (and prostitution) are barriers to sexual equality for women.

This probably sounds crazy but I think I would want him to apologise to the woman he bought a dance from.

FreudianSlipper · 24/04/2012 18:58

its difficult

my ex went it was the thing the guys did after work, i objected tol him why and he never went again and i do beleive it opened his eyes to how seedy it actually is

i think you need to give yourself a little time to get over the shock. you have a lot to give up if he is disapointed in himself i think that says a lot. i think you have to make it clear for you this is a no no. lap dancing has nothing at all to do with being more sexually open minded though it is marketed that way it is to do with men being able to go to a bar and buy a womens body to sexually arose them, a safe ish and now acceptable form of prostitution

and no i do not cheer, never have or know any other women that cheer along to men stripping, i know a few male strippers its a very very different business and their experiences are very different to the women i have come across in the sex industry

MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 18:58

No, its not fun and games at all Terry. Its embarrassing and vile.

Why are you here? To defend the sex industry or to give the OP advice?

Mrbojangles1 · 24/04/2012 18:59

Sparklingbrook no according to some seemingly a stag do should intail a light coco not coffee they might get het up on caffeine and do somthing wild

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