Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

LAPDANCE

533 replies

reeniemartini · 24/04/2012 18:08

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
runningforthebusinheels · 25/04/2012 23:54

Have you even read the op, symfem? Says it felt like cheating - not that enjoyable surely - unless the dp is utter twat.

LineRunner · 25/04/2012 23:54

You don't know what genuflect means.

thebody · 26/04/2012 00:05

Oh my good god!!! Op said her fiancée had been to a lap dance club, had a private dance, yes a mistake, he fezzes up and to her, she either forgives and forgets or she doesn't. Personally list the will to live!!!

I don't know about you guys but to me that's not the crime of the century.

So much other hot air going on here u all perhaps need real problems to face.

Anyhow enough fr om me

op hope u an move on From this and have a long and happy marriage

symfem · 26/04/2012 00:05

LR. I have explained it once. I didnt stutter. I dont repeat myself.

runningforthebusinheels · 26/04/2012 00:08

Thebody - Real problems to face do include, imo, the casual normalisation of the sex industry in our society. My dh doesn't endorse, and I hope my ds's don't either. It's not a pre-requisite to being male to pay for women's bodies, you know.

symfem, Linerunner's right. Smile

Nyac · 26/04/2012 00:13

I love the idea that you have to worship/grovel to a male partner who's been kind enough to tell you that he paid to have another woman's genitals ground in his face.

I believe that's what's technically known as a mindfuck.

symfem · 26/04/2012 00:17

A man goes to a club he endorses the sex industry. Right whats wrong with the sex industry. Dh is probably keeping mum to keep you schtum ! And again the usage of the word is appropriate.

runningforthebusinheels · 26/04/2012 00:24

Symfem - what's wrong with the sex industry you ask? Well where to start?

Well, my dh could tell you a ting or two about that - like I said, endorsement of the sex industry is not a pre-requisite to being male, you know.

runningforthebusinheels · 26/04/2012 00:33

Oh, and I'd be interested to know why a man going into an ordinary club is endorsing the sex industry?

WorraLiberty · 26/04/2012 00:37

Whilst it's not a pre-requisite, and not all men like the sex industry...it does make me shake my head when I think of how many men at my DH's male dominated factory, access porn on their phones....whilst their Wives swear blind they'd never ever do that.

One of the wives is a very prim and proper woman...a staunch feminist who is utterly convinced her DH is repulsed by porn.

But the truth is, they married when he was 25yrs old and what he thought he didn't like then...he obviously loves now that he's 43yrs old.

She on the other hand, is totally unaware that he looks at it like most of his workmates do.

Mobile phones with internet connections seem to have given a lot of 'freedom' to people who have been repressed by their partner's 'moral stance' in the past.

Going on that, I'd say there are more men in his work place who seem 'obsessed' with porn because they finally have the freedom to access it away from their wives...than there are men who simply look at it now and then because their wives don't mind.

I can only assume that 'forbidden' fruit is sweeter for some of the more obsessed.

Charbon · 26/04/2012 00:48

I think that presumes that your husband's colleagues don't have political objections to porn themselves Worra and have only desisted because they are too weak to own what you say they like. That's not got anything to do with their wives' 'repression', but their own weak characters and emotional dishonesty in their relationships. Women are not to blame for men's deceit of them.

WorraLiberty · 26/04/2012 00:59

I think it's because they've either pretended they don't like porn, to avoid all the tears and tantrums/threats of deal breaking.

Or because when they married (many years ago) they truly weren't interested.

Either way, so many of them are watching it at work while their wives are utterly convinced in their hearts that they would never do that...I think it's only a matter of time before they slip up and the shit really hits the fan.

symfem · 26/04/2012 01:00

Who said going to an ordinary club endorses the sex industry. And the main problem with the sex industry is the narrow minded approach people have to it, meaning its kept underground.

Charbon · 26/04/2012 01:12

But you're putting the blame for that on their female partners Worra and not on the men for their dishonesty. Your posts about this depict men as victims of controlling women who have 'tears and tantrums' which is extremely perjorative towards women.

I also think that your original post on your husband's workplace post buys into a lazy caricature that anti-sex industry = prim and proper, which is a phrase I only ever see attributed to women by those who are keen to demean them and give them perjorative labels. I've got a lot of male and female friends who campaign against the sex industry, but not one of them is 'prim and proper' or dislikes sex.

I do think some pro-sex industry supporters have genuine difficulty getting their heads around the existence of men who have strongly held convictions about this and like to pretend that those men are merely paying lip service because they are frightened of their female partners. It's a very narrow but no doubt self-comforting view of the world, but very misinformed nevertheless.

symfem · 26/04/2012 05:18

Charbon if there are all these men opposed to the sex industry as you say how is it thriving. Either a lot of men keep it quiet, or a few men are keeping it going

SodoffBaldrick · 26/04/2012 06:37

The latter, clearly. Come on, look at it objectively and realistically.

If you compare the number of sex-related clubs in any given town with the number of regular nightclubs, bars and pubs there is no comparison.

'Thriving' is a relative concept. They might be 'thriving' compared with with the 1950s, but they are not thriving compared with other ways to socialise and have a good time.

There are clearly way, way more men who want to spend their leisure time is slightly less seedy surroundings - clubs, pubs, bars, etc (and this doesn't even include men who don't like drinking or going out in that way) than in strip joints and lap dancing clubs.

But clearly you have to tell yourself everyone's at it, for reasons known only to yourself.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 26/04/2012 06:54

Reenie I'm glad you are feeling. You are right, there are far bigger issues in the world and life is too short.

As for all the posters showing concern for the lap dancers - there is such a thing as personal responsibility.
For some women it is a life choice and they choose to work within that industry .

SodoffBaldrick · 26/04/2012 07:02

For some women.... Right.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 26/04/2012 07:07

Yes. Some women , a lot of women do choose that job... It's their choice. Where on earth is personal responsibility ?

SodoffBaldrick · 26/04/2012 07:23

Oh God, I actually don't have the will to live energy to get into the 'some women choose it' debacle...

vincettenoir · 26/04/2012 08:06

From what you've said it's clear that its a one off and he's a good guy so I think you should try and see past it. Threads like this make me feel like some kind of bohemian laid back type as I do not think this is anything like cheating and I'm always surprised by the reactions about this. But that's not to undermine the way you're feeling, if that's how you feel. I think if you forgive him, you should forgive him completely and don't let this change anything.

symfem · 26/04/2012 08:13

The sex industry is booming and thriving. From grot mags to pornos there is a huge market and revenue stream.

Take a look at the U.S porno industry and look at number of features produced and income generated. This is not sustained by a small handful of pervs.

larrygrylls · 26/04/2012 08:59

I think you have to apply some kind of objective standard to cheating. Clearly it can vary relationship by relationship but within certain reasonable parameters. Otherwise it allows any jealous partner to say "it felt like cheating" and merely feeling it makes it so.

runningforthebusinheels · 26/04/2012 11:31

Larry, the OP's DP said it felt like cheating on her. You know, the man.

doormat · 26/04/2012 11:42

can i just say that all these posts regarding porn/ sex industry etc must be pretty shitty for the op.. if she isnt feeling down enough..why dont you all give your opinions on this in another thread ffs