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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think childless friends are a bit selfish

137 replies

bbqjune · 21/04/2012 10:40

so i have 2 friends that i have known for quite some time, pre-ds we used to do everything together, holidays etc
however i find it difficult now that i have my ds to do the same kind of things with them, i just cant afford it anymore especially with having to pay babysitters
they recently went away for the weekend for one of their birthdays, i was invited but i declined as couldnt afford the hotel(and quite frankly i didnt want to spend the whole weekend following them round london while they shopped)
AIBU to think that we could do 'cheaper' activities(exc the weekend away it was her bday after all) i regularly invite them to come over to my house in the evenings for food and movies, this saves me a heck of a lot as i dont have to pay a babysitter but its not something they take me up on very often
also im going through a bit of a difficult time atm, which they know about so i would think that they would be a bit more supportive seen as i have supported and dropped everything for them whe n they have needed it
sorry for the long post im just a bit fed up :(

OP posts:
myalias · 21/04/2012 10:47

No I don't think they are selfish especially if they work full time. It depends on their age too, if they are 20 to mid 30 something they want to go shopping, clubbing and meals out. I would concentrate on building friendships with other mums and save up and have a good night out with your childless friends.

Gumby · 21/04/2012 10:48

Sounds like you've outgrown them tbh

allthequeensmen · 21/04/2012 10:48

Just because you choose to change your lifestyle doesn't mean they should have to change theirs.

FallenCaryatid · 21/04/2012 10:49

It comes to us all, different phases in friendships and time to build new ones whilst trying to maintain the old ones. You have made different choices to them, so that's causing problems for you. Have you told them how you feel, and that the friendship is under severe stress in your eyes?

FallenCaryatid · 21/04/2012 10:50

Not outgrown, different choices.

gamerwidow · 21/04/2012 10:51

Sorry but YABU. You can't expect their lifestyle to change just because yours has. It is hard when you move to a different life stage than your friends but they don't have your responsibilities so they have the right to continue on as before.
It would be nice if they did cheaper things sometimes but you can't expect them to want to stay in at yours all the time just because you can't afford to go out.

pictish · 21/04/2012 10:52

Yabu. The activities they are undertaking are suitable and appropriate for their lifestyles, which is perfectly ok.

You think they are selfish because they don't arrange activities that suit you?
I think you are being selfish expecting them to. Sorry!

2blessed2bstressed · 21/04/2012 10:53

They're not being selfish, you just have different priorities now, that's all.

madonnawhore · 21/04/2012 10:54

YABU. I don't have children but some of my friends do.

I organised a birthday dinner recently. Somewhere cheap and cheerful and central so that everyone could make it.

On the day of the dinner the only people who cancelled on me at the last minute were my friends with children. I was actually quite hurt.

You've opted out of the 'single' lifestyle by choosing to have children. Deal with it.

marriedinwhite · 21/04/2012 10:54

Your lives have moved on in different directions - you need to make some friends whose lives are moving in the same direction as yours. Doesn't mean you will stop being friends or stop caring for each other, just that for now, you have different focuses. I don't think they are being selfish though, just different with different priorities and commitments.

pictish · 21/04/2012 10:56

I advise trying to forge some friendships with people in the same boat as you OP - that's what I did when I had ds1. I was the first among my peers to have a child, and while I still maintained friendships with my friends who didn't have kids yet, I also got to know people who did, so I had the best of both worlds.

BonnieBumble · 21/04/2012 10:57

My childless friends are very accommodating, it's my friends with children I have difficulties with. They are all fairly well off and as such have a completely different lifestyle to me, I really don't mind if they go off and do expensive things I just wish they would understand when I decline.

molly3478 · 21/04/2012 10:57

I still go out to town with my friends, also do all the hen nights, birthdays etc. Just because you have children doesnt mean you should stay in all the time. Its easy to arrange these things to make them cheap.

PurplePidjin · 21/04/2012 10:58

YANBU. As the childless friend, I understand that our relationship has to change in order to continue.

I've seen this on MN before, that a new parent should put up with a complete lack of tolerance from old friends, and I honestly don't understand it. Of course you adapt to changing circumstances Confused

EdithWeston · 21/04/2012 10:58

They're carrying on as before. You want to do something different, and have found that they do not want to make this change.

I do not think they are being the selfish ones.

Original poster
bbqjune · 21/04/2012 10:59

thanks for the replies, i would never expect them to change their lifestyle for me, they work hard for their money and of course they want to splurge, i do try to venture out with them but as a single parent i find it hard to afford the endless meals at expensive restaurants which is why i suggest cheaper alternatives, they meet weekly and i invite them over at least twice a month but last time i saw them was in feb

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 21/04/2012 10:59

Sorry but Yabu. Why shouldn't they go shopping in London?

You've chosen a different lifestyle, that's up to you.

FallenCaryatid · 21/04/2012 11:01

'YANBU. As the childless friend, I understand that our relationship has to change in order to continue.'

Yes, but you know that you are atypically lovely, don't you PP? Smile

LordEmsworth · 21/04/2012 11:04

Your post doesn't say... have you actually explained to them why you don't want to / can't go to expensive places anymore? Maybe they're just being thoughtless - it can be quite hard to understand the sudden change if you haven't experienced it.

I agree that they should carry on with their lives, but in their position I'd also want to make sure I saw you as well, so I don't think YAB entirely U.

MrsShitty · 21/04/2012 11:05

YANBU. My friend is a single parent but most of her other friends are not...she is quite poor atm due to childcare issues and her friends have a regular meet up at her house where everyone brings something...somtime they cook a dish and take that...other times they all order a takeaway....the friends look forward to these nights in and she gets plenty of relaxation time on a budget.

SodoffBaldrick · 21/04/2012 11:05

Pre DC, there's no way I'd have curbed my care-free lifestyle, just because one member of the group had decided to have kids.

Dreadfully selfish - maybe, but you're only young once, and that was expressly why I didn't rush into having kids.

Sorry.

PurplePidjin · 21/04/2012 11:05

For most of the single parents I know, the single bit wasn't what you might call a choice. Bereavement, partner walking out, abuse... Nobody deliberately chooses that ime.

I'd like to think I can support my friends when the shit hits the fan, not make them feel bad for not keeping up.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 21/04/2012 11:07

Why should they? It's not their fault you decided to have children.

pictish · 21/04/2012 11:07

OP...that is often how it works. You should try to make some 'mum pals' who will be far more on your wavelength from that pov.

It's not that your childless friends don't care any more or anything sinister like that - they just happen to be in a completely different place from you priority-wise. They won't understand how it has come to mean so much to you to have them round to your place for drinks and food and a catch up.
They are more concerned with going out and being social and going shopping - because that is where they are at.

They are perfect for those occasions when you feel the need to step out of your 'mum mould' and have a night off from it all....so they will remain valuable in your life....but if you are looking for understanding from them about your set up, you are going to be left wanting. That's where mum pals come in.

There is no fault to be attributed to anyone. It's just the way it is. xx

PurplePidjin · 21/04/2012 11:08

Feck off, Caryatid darling. I only speak for myself but it does represent my general experience! Grin