AIBU to think childless friends are a bit selfish

[bbqjune]

so i have 2 friends that i have known for quite some time, pre-ds we used to do everything together, holidays etc
however i find it difficult now that i have my ds to do the same kind of things with them, i just cant afford it anymore especially with having to pay babysitters
they recently went away for the weekend for one of their birthdays, i was invited but i declined as couldnt afford the hotel(and quite frankly i didnt want to spend the whole weekend following them round london while they shopped)
AIBU to think that we could do 'cheaper' activities(exc the weekend away it was her bday after all) i regularly invite them to come over to my house in the evenings for food and movies, this saves me a heck of a lot as i dont have to pay a babysitter but its not something they take me up on very often
also im going through a bit of a difficult time atm, which they know about so i would think that they would be a bit more supportive seen as i have supported and dropped everything for them whe n they have needed it
sorry for the long post im just a bit fed up :(

YANBU I agree with diddl

I would find some new friends too and not be surprised if suddenly your phone starts ringing when one or other of them falls pregnant

Although its hard not to take it personally from reading posts on here you can see you shouldnt !

molly - I guess I'm just lucky - none of us rushed into curbing our lifestyles unnecessarily early, and so none of us had to compromise!

I am not counting me as I am lucky I havent curbed my lifestyle as I have dh and my mum, and am out clubbing most weeks but I understand some other friends are not as lucky and havent got endless support, and I wouldnt want to lose their friendship so I do stuff for them.

It's difficult, and I really sympathise with you. IME, any lifestyle/lifestage change can be a real test of friendship. I was having a really bad time over a relationship break up when I was at university (silly in hindsight, but I was very cut up about it at the time), and my supposed best friend dropped me like a ton of bricks - she got sick of me being tearful and wanting to talk endlessly about what was happening. Now, of course, I can see things through her eyes - I was being a bit over-dramatic, and wanted someone to endlessly analyse the relationship with. Boring and self-indulgent. But at the time, I did need someone to be a bit supportive and make me feel better about things/myself. Being dropped by a friend at the same time as a boyfriend was incredibly hurtful and now, 30 years on, I still feel hurt/bitter about her and the way she treated me.

You have moved on in your life. Your friends, even if they are sympathetic to your situation, simply don't understand what it's like when you have a child, regardless of the financial aspect.

But I would counsel you to talk to them about how you feel. This is something I never did with my friend. I never made it clear how hurt I was by her behaviour, and I know that I probably became a bit martyrish about the whole thing.

My point is that they may simply not realise how you feel about the situation - they may think that you're totally caught up in motherhood - especially as you are a single parent. Give them a chance to change their behaviour and accommodate you a bit more. And if they don't/won't - then you know for sure that it's time to move on and find friends who are more 'like you'.

One other thing I would say - as someone who is now 'coming out at the other end', so to speak. My DC are 20 and 17 and so no longer require to be babysat. We are now seeing lots of our friends more often who we haven't seen for a while - simply because we all had our own families to deal with. If they are good friendships they will withstand years of being placed 'on the back burner'

Good luck.

Wow glad the posters on here aren't my "friends"

What a weird concept of friendship.

To me being friends means loving and caring for your friends and accepting that as we all grow and change we all make compromises because we WANT to because we LOVE each other and if that means sitting round a friend's house eating pizza every fortnight, then that is fine because they are your FRIEND and it is what is necessary in order for the friendship to carry on while dcs are little. It will all change again. One day they will be the ones with small dcs and you'll be the one trudging round for pizza and a dvd.

I have more childless friends than I do those with children, and when my dc were small they all knew they had to come round mine for a takeaway because I couldn't get out. If they hadn't, I wouldn't have considered them "friends."

I'm sorry but before I had dcs I liked to spend my disposable cash on fun things, especially when I was single. Now I have dcs I don't expect my childless friends to cone around to mine and stay in all the time. I now have a few friends with kids who I do stuff like that with, and on special occasions I'll make the effort to go out with my old child-free mates. They'll probably have dcs at some point and then we'll see more of eachother. That's the way friendships are sometimes, they wax and wane.

Yes but thats just it isnt it , its not "all the time" presumably out of 30 days in a month they could manage to go out to a friends house as opposed to a pub etc for 1 night ?

Quite. What I find harder to understand is why they don't WANT to if they are FRIENDS.

Where is the love?

YABU to expect them to understand. Until you've been a parent you don't realise just how good you had it with all the freedom and disposable income!

I think you need to invite them to something each month. Nothing regular so it becomes an obligation but something different each month. Dinner at yours, night at the cinema, BBQ, day trip to the beach... whatever. If they keep cancelling you'll know where you stand.

Finding local friends in a similar situation to you is also a good idea generally. You can never have too many friends. Join your local Netmums meet ups and if there aren't any offer to organise some. You can also contact your local branch of the NCT and do likewise or any other mum/parent meet up. If there isn't one, start one!

And a night out fund is a fab idea. Putting a few pounds a month into an account and using it for one really good night out once in a blue moon is a good idea.

...I liked to spend my disposable cash on fun things

To me, "fun things" = spending time with my friends. I don't have to bankrupt myself to do so, nor is it dependant on there being a constant steam of external stimulation. Is a conversation not good enough?

Yes and no... This seems to vary a lot between groups of friends. Since some of my friends started having children it has been hard to see them because they are always so busy with birthday parties, christenings etc. and it'll be "I can see you on the 3rd Sunday in May" when invariably I will also have something arranged or be working. But that also goes for a lot of my single and / or childless friends. I am not a particularly sociable type though and if it is too difficult for me I just don't bother, like if it involves a 4 hour return journey around the M25 for lunch at someone's house... I suppose that makes me a bad friend...

Yanbu, if they are really good friends they would want to be compromise by doing what they want some of the time but still make time to go to your house to see you. And what would they do if one of other friends lost their job and couldn't afford nights out, shopping trips and weekends away? Would they stop seeing them?

When I found myself single I spent a lot of time "staying in" at houses of couples. Actually I feel I would have benefitted from a few nights out to let my hair down and chat up some blokes etc, and looking back I wish I'd taken more advantage if my freedom! Not once did a couply friend say "right missy, we're taking you out clubbing". But I didn't blame them fir it. It wasn't what they felt like doing at the time because they're in a couple. Similarly now I don't go out clubbing because I don't feel like it ATM. I wouldn't expect my friends to hate me for it! I agree though that they should make the effort once in a while, like us boring mums occasionally make the effort once in a while for bdays etc.

I can see why you feel hurt....
You've been there for these people when they have been through difficult times...and now that you are needing some support, you're not getting it!

That's hurtful!

Don't know what the solution is as you have tried inviting them to your home to eat/watch a film (something I would have enjoyed even as a singleton!).

Seems as if you are moving in different directions....and I would suggest you try and make some new, like minded friends!

I think you need to take action and speak to them rather than mulling it all over and think really, truly, whether you have moved on? I think from what you say that your friends might be horrified to hear that you are struggling- you really do owe it to all of you (and the sisterhood) to air your feelings and the situation is recoverable. I agree with what Hully says about friends, too.

Here is my story by way of illustration -

I found myself the only childfree person in my group of close friends about 10 years ago. I found their constant chat and competitive whining about due dates, breast feeding, feeding, sleelpess nights, feeding, sleepless nights, nappies, baby names for nappies, feeding in the night, names for the feeds and pelvic floors, did I say prams?.. unutterably hard to take. They also began to exclude me from their little baby world- first from the conversations , invitations, then from their lives. I tried to "join in" and for about 18 months they sort of tolerated me, at least that is what I felt.

Made all the harder for me as I was going through infertility treatment at the time. The b*tches knew how hard it was for me. I was god mother to one of the DCs, who I never see now.

I don't miss them!

imo its far more selfish to have kids then dump them on all and sundry while the 'parents' merrily continue doing as they please

poor little sods

There is a middle ground. If they value your friendship they should understand you have kids and not much money and make sure you do stuff together that suits you. Obviously they should still carry in going, out and having fun spending their money as they see fit as well. We are very comfortable and love eating out, w/e away and have friends who can keep up with us on this, also have friends who financially just can't so we do other less expensive things like taking turns at each others houses for lunch, cheap night at the cinema stc. It doesn't have to be all or nothing unless you've outgrown each other.

PP - i wish you were my friend lol

thanks everyone for your thoughts, having talked to them about the issue before and still not feeling much like i am remotely important to them i think i should distance myself and try to make some new friends who have children, or who quite simply would be willing to make the friendship work
friendships are a funny thing, im not a rap fan but as the rapper Tupac once said 'id love to go back to how we played as kids...but things change and thats the way it is'

I would pity them tbh - restaurants and lifestyle are clearly more important to them than people

I don't think it is just having children though. As other posters have said, it's to do with any lifestyle change, although clearly having children is one of the main examples of that. I feel sad that I don't see any of my friends as often as I'd like because of time issues, but it was a choice that I made because of my work. I have met a lot of interesting people in my work but I wouldn't say that I was particularly close to any of them. Also, I think there can be a bit of not being able to relate to each other any more on both sides once one friend has children and the other doesn't. I have personally found that I don't get invited round much to my friends with children. I put that down to it being too much hassle for them but it could also be that they just don't relate to me anymore (and maybe they feel awkward because they probably guess that I have fertility issues).

I think it's a bit dull at people's houses sometimes.

"I would pity them tbh - restaurants and lifestyle are clearly more important to them than people sad"

eh?? That's a bit of a leap - personally I like both eating in and going out to restaurants but they are both things I do with people. I would find watching DVDs at friends a bit boring though.