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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think childless friends are a bit selfish

137 replies

bbqjune · 21/04/2012 10:40

so i have 2 friends that i have known for quite some time, pre-ds we used to do everything together, holidays etc
however i find it difficult now that i have my ds to do the same kind of things with them, i just cant afford it anymore especially with having to pay babysitters
they recently went away for the weekend for one of their birthdays, i was invited but i declined as couldnt afford the hotel(and quite frankly i didnt want to spend the whole weekend following them round london while they shopped)
AIBU to think that we could do 'cheaper' activities(exc the weekend away it was her bday after all) i regularly invite them to come over to my house in the evenings for food and movies, this saves me a heck of a lot as i dont have to pay a babysitter but its not something they take me up on very often
also im going through a bit of a difficult time atm, which they know about so i would think that they would be a bit more supportive seen as i have supported and dropped everything for them whe n they have needed it
sorry for the long post im just a bit fed up :(

OP posts:

molly3478 · 21/04/2012 11:34

I dont get people who say they wouldnt adapt for their friends. I have a good friend with ms and she got it at 17 we have made all sort of adaptions to make her feel included. If you like your friends then thats what friends do in my eyes. They can easily fit it all in, or change and do cheaper things if they wanted to. I suppose it depends on how you view friends.

titfortat · 21/04/2012 11:35

At the end of the day, friendship is more than just going out. The OP has already said she is going through a bad time, and they know this but still haven't found the time out of their (obviously) busy filled lifestyle to see the OP and give her support, which IS what friendship is about. That alone, without the other bit, makes them selfish and if I was you OP, I wouldn't want that sort of friendship in my life. I would gradually drift off from them (which wouldn't be hard considering they have already done so) and find myself some new, decent friends.

Original poster

bbqjune · 21/04/2012 11:37

maybe i just need to do as a few have suggestd on here and try and to find some friends with children

OP posts:

SodoffBaldrick · 21/04/2012 11:40

Probably the best idea - the childless friends will never properly understand, nor relate to what you're going through. Or, at least, these ones won't.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 21/04/2012 11:42

It's hard and yanbu, especially in london, EVERYTHING is so expensive... I have experienced the same thing, working full time doesn't help, how um supposed to find the time to make new friends more akin, I have no idea...

And when yoy have no family support network either, its lonely, sometimes i describe the loneliness as palpable, you can touch it, then you remember as a parent you barely have time to breathe anyhow!

My two closest friends and bridesmaids have seen my dd twice, shes two... no interest in me now I'm not going away for weekend material, so I would say yanbu

Chuffing · 21/04/2012 11:43

YANBU to be upset.
But you can't expect them not to do stuff like London / shopping / clubbing. And I am sure you don't expect them to stop altogether, but think it'd be nice to do cheaper stuff sometimes.
Let's face it when you have a child you don't have the time money or inclination (mostly) to do the stuff you used to.

Just rest assured when they have children they will realise!

I was the first to have DCs, my friendships changed. Lost touch with my BF, different lifestyles altogether. Became closer to other friends in my social circle. Met other Mums.

Can you organise a girls night in every now and again? Pizza, wine and chat! Can't beat it

Thumbwitch · 21/04/2012 11:45

I think it's hard, actually - and a bit of give and take on both sides is necessary. They don't understand how your life has changed, how could they really? But they could be more empathetic about it.

I have a very good friend who went through a phase of having very little money - so whenever we met up with her, we made sure that it was somewhere cheap and cheerful and we never tried to "just split the bill equally", we always let her pay for her own so she never paid more than she had budgeted for. That's what good friends do for their friends, IMO.

Your friends are being thoughtless - but you may be expecting too much of them to accommodate you all the time. Perhaps you should suggest a compromise situation - go out with them less often but when you do go out, choose a more affordable venue.

So, a bit of fence-sitting from me - you don't say how old you are but it sounds like you're all in your early to mid-20s?

makinglemonade · 21/04/2012 11:45

I can see both sides OP. We don't have children but a few of our friends do. Our friendships have changed quite dramatically in the last few years but that's to be expected. More effort is required on all sides.

As for more understanding to your circumstance - they don't understand as their life situation is completely different and until you are living it then it's not something you think about.

Just because your lives are in different stages doesn't mean you can't still be friends. Have a word and let them know you are missing the friendship but can afford to go out much but would love to have them to dinner to catch up.

Can I ask - when you invite them over (assuming they have accepted at least once) is your DC part of this? A lot of people with children get bored when kids are included in an adult evening!

Original poster

bbqjune · 21/04/2012 11:47

thanks for all the posts, sorry im not replying to each post individually, this is my first post and wsnt expecting such a response, but again thank you for all your opinions.
back to the post i have had the big discussin about money and how i am completely fine that they do things without me as i just cant afford it but if we could occasionally arrange a cheaper alternative, this is originally how the food, wine and movie nights started, this was early last year but slowly the excuses for not coming started untill here i am today, feeling a bit unwanted and wishing that i was in a better financial situation so that i could enjoy nights out etc with them but unfortunately i dont have £20 to spare for a night out never mind £100

OP posts:

SodoffBaldrick · 21/04/2012 11:48

I'm aware I sound really unsympathetic ... but why have children when you're young, unless it's what you really want, and you're ready for the inherent selflessness that comes with being a parent? I mean, why semi expect all your child-free friends to go in for this too?

This is exactly the reason I delayed having children, and I do not regret it for a second. Even now in my very late 30s I still miss my carefree life!

Original poster

bbqjune · 21/04/2012 11:51

makinglemonade - no i make sure he is tucked up in bed otherwise it ends up me fussing over him all evening wile they talk amongst themselves, meaning the whole point of the evening is defeated really

OP posts:

molly3478 · 21/04/2012 11:52

sodofbaldrick - Just because you have kids at any age doesnt mean you dont want to do stuff with your friends. It is pretty easy for your friends to arrange some nights out/away on the cheap, also to do stuff at each others places etc. It doesnt have to be every night/weekend does it

It isnt every night is it and same as people are there for their friends if they get illnesses, things like ms, their parents die etc. A good friend isnt there through just the good times, however a lot of fairweather ones are.

SootySweepandSue · 21/04/2012 11:55

Before I had DC, I had some lovely friends with DC who would often invite me over for drinks or dinner at the weekends. I nearly always refused unless I had completely zero in my calendar. As a single lady I wanted to prioritise my time being sociable, meeting people, having fun. I didn't want to spend it with married couples with or without kids. Are your friends still single? It's not that I didn't like them but spending precious weekend hours with them was not going to help me get to the next stage of my life IYSWIM.

diddl · 21/04/2012 11:55

I don´t think that OP is at all wrong to ask her friends to alter things to accomodate her tbh-friends would-maybe not all or even most of time, but they would because they would want to be able to see her & not keep doing stuff that excluded her.

I think the fact that they don´t want to pop to hers for an evening is also telling.

When you´re childless-does everything have to be an (expensive) night out?

Even childless people stay in with friends, don´t they?

Mothership1 · 21/04/2012 11:55

My mum always told me when I was pregnant that you will find out who your mates are when you have a baby, and she couldn't be more correct!! My friends with baby's are great and we do lots together,
If a night out is organised then generally I decline, lack of funds, don't want the hangover, cba! If your mates can't be there when you need them the most then they are not worth having, I have learnt this

greyhairsahead · 21/04/2012 11:57

OP I've beed feeling a little sad recently as it feels as though some old friends are drifting away, it's really hard. But, it's inevitable I'm afraid and what I've done is tried to put a different spin on it so it doesn't feel so personal.

I'm much older than you, but DH and I are the first to have kids in our little friendship group. We used to do everything together, holidays etc like you, and met up every weekend without fail. But we just can't do that anymore as it's not practical. I accept that and don't expect my friends to tone down their lifestyle for our sake. What makes me sad is that I don't get calls / texts as often as I'd like just for a chat or to see how things are. But, does that really mean anything? My closest friend is lovely and would do anything to help me if I needed it, but she's just not the sort of person who would call for a long chat every week. That's not personal against me, it's just who she is.

We invite people here as often as we can, but if they want to go out instead and we can't, then what can we do? We do make the effort to go to important things like birthdays (money no so much of a problem for us, thankfully), but if we're not able, we then try to arrange something else, like a at our house or a pub lunch as an "additional" birthday outing.

Making other friends with children has been what's kept me sane. However close you are with your friends, those without children will never truly understand the trials and tribulations of being a mum, nor will they want to hear you witter on about poo and weaning etc. It's just fact! I feel comfortable in the knowledge that I have lots of different friends who serve lots of different purposes within the bigger scheme of things. They are all lovely though.

makinglemonade · 21/04/2012 11:58

Well in that case I think they are being a bit selfish, even if it's unintentional. I think when you don't have dc you tend to do what you want without thinking much about it. If its already been discussed then I think it's a bit off for them to constantly make excuses not to come over.

It is a good idea to make some mummy friends so that you haves common interest. It doesn't mean you have to give up your old friends but at least you won't need to rely on them.

DowagersHump · 21/04/2012 11:58

I am going to confess here that I was exactly like your friends at your age. I did used to go round to my friend's house for evenings at first but after a while I got bored of it. I got bored of the fact that we had completely different lifestyles, I felt guilty that I had so much spare cash and she didn't ,and I got fed up of feeling like I was the one that always had to make the effort in terms of going to her rather than her coming out.

I can see now that I was entirely selfish but the truth was that we just didn't have much in common any more.

I would try and make some new friends who are in a similar situation.

diddl · 21/04/2012 12:00

"truth was that we just didn't have much in common any more."

That I think is the crux.

Willowisp · 21/04/2012 12:00

I think posters could be a bit more sympathetic. You're not UR to be hurt, but you probably are a bit unreasonable to expect them to accommodate you. Really they won't have a clue how your feeling, so you've got to tell them - without being needy etc. Send them an email saying you miss them & whilst it might be a but dull, would they all like to come over to dinner on x night.If they do it, great, if they don't, well, time to find new friends I'm afraid. There must be several of DC's parents you can become friends with ?

Hth & good luck

SodoffBaldrick · 21/04/2012 12:03

So mothership' you made the lifestyle change, and you yourself admit that sometimes you can't be arsed with theirplans, but they're the bad friends...? OK...

Molly - it's not about good friends, vs fair-weather friends. My oldest friends I've been friends with for 30+ years - probably longer than you've been alive! It's about people at different stages of their lives, ith different priorities, financial commitment, and very different things in common. Maybe the OP needs to make some new friends and broaden her friendship group. Not give up on her old friends - just branch out.

Original poster

bbqjune · 21/04/2012 12:06

SodoffBaldrick - its not that i miss the nights out, i expected to have less nights out and holidays once i had my DC ....i miss spending time with them, but it seems the only way i can spend time with them is by spending lots of money and my previous suggestions have gotten me nowhere

OP posts:

eurochick · 21/04/2012 12:07

They could be a little more accommodating, maybe, but do they actually understand how skint you are?

TBH, I think that as you are the one who has changed lifestyle here, you are being unreasonable.

I'm in the opposite position, btw - the last of my friends to have kids (not through choice but due to fertility problems). So a lot of my evenings are spent in someone's living room trying to chat while a sleepy toddler comes down wanting attention and sticking their fingers in the hummus. I'd rather be out in a restaurant or bar, but I realise that I am in the minority so I need to fall in with what works for them. I used to have an annual weekend away with a close friend over Easter - we went on City breaks to Madrid, Stockholm, Budappest, Paris. But we don't go any more because it is too difficult for her to organise childcare and to be honest she probably doesn't want to be away from her kids over a rare long weekend (she works full time). I recognise that things have changed for her, and that's fine.

molly3478 · 21/04/2012 12:07

sodofbaldrick - My best friend I have been friends with for 28 years and she has no kids and we are and always will be best friends. I also have other friends who always come over regardless of them having no kids, just like before. I know I am lucky but I do think thats what good mates do and some people just have different opinions. Different stages of your lives shouldnt matter if a person likes your company and vice versa then they will be there

Aribura · 21/04/2012 12:09

"My friends are doing something that the majority of the group want to do. I think they should do what I want to do instead - are they being selfish?"

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