Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU to think childless friends are a bit selfish

137 replies

bbqjune · 21/04/2012 10:40

so i have 2 friends that i have known for quite some time, pre-ds we used to do everything together, holidays etc
however i find it difficult now that i have my ds to do the same kind of things with them, i just cant afford it anymore especially with having to pay babysitters
they recently went away for the weekend for one of their birthdays, i was invited but i declined as couldnt afford the hotel(and quite frankly i didnt want to spend the whole weekend following them round london while they shopped)
AIBU to think that we could do 'cheaper' activities(exc the weekend away it was her bday after all) i regularly invite them to come over to my house in the evenings for food and movies, this saves me a heck of a lot as i dont have to pay a babysitter but its not something they take me up on very often
also im going through a bit of a difficult time atm, which they know about so i would think that they would be a bit more supportive seen as i have supported and dropped everything for them whe n they have needed it
sorry for the long post im just a bit fed up :(

OP posts:

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 21/04/2012 17:38

"Bit of a leap" is putting it politely.

How on earth do you know anything at all about their life and what is important to them, PurplePidjin? Maybe people say this about me because I am childless - they wouldn't know that I've been TTC for two years. I'm not fishing for sympathy at all, but you can't judge people's prioties when you don't even know them.

DowagersHump · 21/04/2012 17:47

I think it's very unusual for friendships to remain exactly the same when one person has a significant life change and another doesn't. That's not to say that friendships will necessarily die but that when two people's priorities are out of kilter, it's bound to have an impact.

It's a bit silly to suggest otherwise IMO.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2012 17:49

What did you used to do as a group of friends before you had your child, OP? I can't imagine that all you did was shopping and expensive meals... was there something else that didn't cost much that you just did for fun?

What about telling your friends how you feel about things and saying that whilst you can't afford to do all that they can, how about coming over for dinner outside in the garden (assuming the weather is nice) - and your son will be tucked up in bed, sleeping, and you won't keep running in to see if he's ok as you won't be 'out of range'?

The thing that I noticed was that some friends with children suddenly stopped talking about things they used to talk about and chatted endlessly about their children and domestic arrangements. Some people find that very boring - with or without children. Are you guilty of that?

It's not that your friends are selfish it's that they have a different lifestyle to you and you to them. If you can't find common ground then yes, your relationship with your friends, as it was, is over. That's life - it happens. Some friends are for life but I think more commonly, some people become friends for certain periods of your life only. All grist to the mill.

Talk to them, you have nothing to lose, do you?

diddl · 21/04/2012 17:59

"I think it's a bit dull at people's houses sometimes."

Not if you get on imo.

I´d rather see a friend at their house than not at all.

lisaro · 21/04/2012 18:01

why should they arrange their lives around you? TBH you sound like the selfish one expecting them to.

Original poster

bbqjune · 21/04/2012 20:31

as ive said a bit earlier i dont expect them to change their lifestyle or arrange their life around me, i try to go out for meals with them but i just cant afford it, i suggested that we go for cheaper alternatives or have food at my house once or twice a month so that i still get to spend time with them
im not a person that bangs on endlessly about my DC, my time with them is about us, my DC doesnt come downstairs during the evenings so thats not a problem either
ive tried talkimg to them about the issue but not really getting anywhere seen as i havnt seen them since feb
also pre-DC our main activites were shopping, holidays, meals and evenings out
i thought friends were meant to be there for you whatever happened and not just when it suits them
a few people have said they shouldnt change their lifestyle but what if one of them had a baby and suddenly the other friend was the only childless one and felt left out of the baby conversations and trips to the park, would it be acceptable then!? obviously not i believe TRUE friends should be a little more understanding and not change their lifestyle but maybe be a bit more accomodating on occasions

OP posts:

Hullygully · 21/04/2012 21:14

bbqjune - listen. Noone bothers to read posts properly, engage their brain or think. They just want to go Yeah blah blah

Of course you're not being u. They are friends. You would like them to come over occasionally as you can't go out.

If they don't, they are selfish and not good friends to you.

the end

MissGreatBritain · 21/04/2012 21:30

bbqjune - I felt just like you when I became a single parent when my DD was 2 and I was 30. I had settled into married/family life and was able to see my friends regularly, as between us DH and I were ok for money and had each other to look after the children.

After becoming a single parent, life became far more difficult and my friends just seemed to not bother any more. I have to say, I tried for a long time with them, but their lives were so different that I pretty much gave up on them, and began to socialise with other mums, as they were more understanding of my situation. I think you have to accept that your life is different to theirs; not better, not worse, just different. And at this point in your life you can't do what they do. A few years down the road when they have children things will change again, but until then I would concentrate on making new friendships and interests that are child-friendly. Good luck - I know it's hard x

DowagersHump · 21/04/2012 21:32

They do sound like pretty crap friends tbh. I'd see if you can meet some different ones at baby groups etc.

Also three is a bugger of a number when it comes to mates. There is (quite often) a bit of jostling to become numero uno with one friend or the other and I think when a big life change happens for one of you (which was chosen, let's not forget, not a horrible accident befalling you), the other two are likely to get closer.

Does that resonate at all with these friendships?

2rebecca · 21/04/2012 22:39

I think often when you have kids your priorities change. It isn't unreasonable of your friends to still want to socialise in the way they have always socialised. They maybe have little spare time and want to spend it doing things they enjoy rather than doing what you want to do. It sounds as though you aren't interested in and can't afford their social activities any more so need new friends with similar interests and financial restraints.
It doesn't have to be anybody's fault, no-one here is being unreasonable, you have changed your lifestyle, they haven't, the friendship isn't therefore working any more.

ImperialBlether · 21/04/2012 22:41

How often did you spend a weekend night with friends with children, before you had children?

fluffypillow · 21/04/2012 22:56

Thing is, life changes when you have children. You just have to go with the flow, and change with it, otherwise you'll be forever feeling sorry for yourself.

YANBU for wanting a social life with your friends, but YABU to expect them to be forever working their plans around you and your child.

One day they will have kids, and then they will understand your situation, but until then there is no point worrying about it........do something positive if it bothers you that much. Make an effort to find some Mummy friends, and have evenings out (or in!) with people who are going though the same things as you.

ShellyBobbs · 21/04/2012 23:05

Unfortunately this happens.

As others have said, try to make some new friends who have more in common with you now. It might hurt to think that this 'era' of friendship is over, it isn't, the dynamics are just different.

This happened to me, my best friend now is my son's best friends mum.

Mia4 · 22/04/2012 00:16

YABU to feel spurned, but perhaps you should actively ask them why they aren't seeming interested? It could well be out of sight out of mind incident, and they could well not be interested anymore since you have responsibilities that don't mesh with theirs. Or perhaps dates/times just aren't convenient?

But you really should ask them to find out and at least get closure. I know one Childless friend of mine purposefully turned down invites not to go to our mutual friend's (same situation as yours our mutual friend is in) not because she didn't love her or want to hear about her troubles and help, but because she'd recently found out she could never conceive and going around there was very painful to see my friend's kids-especially said friend being pregnant too. Doubly so for her since said friend had issues and so my friend didn't want to burden her with hers. You never know the scenario. They could not be interested anymore, but at least you'd know.

I know I avoid going to a friends house, and (actually all of us) invite her to one of ours instead because she lets her kid run riot and all four of us come away from the night feeling stressed and the last few times, badly bitten!

Best thing is to ask and to find yourself some mum friends too.

Bumblequeen · 22/04/2012 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

peachesnrice · 13/06/2013 09:45

You are not wrong to feel like this. i am going through the exact same thing with my childless friends atm. Trust me they will understand one day when they are having a totally bad day covered in vomit and just want a real mate to chat to. Do you really care if you are missing out on their rubbish shopping trips??? I know I for one would much rather be sitting in with my baby to give me true love back. I know its very hard but try to join some sort of groups where you may meet women more at the same stage of life as you. Its lonely being a mum but it kind of comes with the territory....

Jengnr · 13/06/2013 09:51

Talk to them. I'm guessing that it isn't a question of either party being selfish but a total lack of understanding from two very different perspectives.

They could just as well think you don't want to go out with them anymore because you don't want to leave the baby.

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has been discussed.

mrsjay · 13/06/2013 10:03

they dont have children you do thems the breaks sometimes I dont think they are being selfish why should they alter their lifestyle so you fit in, they shouldn't have to you either go with them or you don't I know that is harsh but do you want them to be miserable and do something different so you can go they are the majority,

stepawayfromthescreen · 13/06/2013 10:14

you find out who your friends are when you have kids.
The real friends stick around, are supportive and adapt social outings a bit to consider the new parents. Flaky fair weather friends disappear over the horizon. You're well rid. They were never true friends in the first place.
It is utter rubbish to suggest that childless people should carry on as normal when their friends have babies, if they're at all bothered about, or invested in, the friendship. A true friend will realise that life changes when you become a parent and they'll work around it. They'll adapt a little. To suggest otherwise is horribly self absorbed and unpleasant.

whois · 13/06/2013 10:16

I don't think it's U for them to still want to go shopping and to expensive restaurants.

However I think it's a bit off they won't come round to yours. I am more than happy to go round to my friends houses in the evening if they have kids (and if they don't!). Works quite well as they don't have to pay for a babysitter and we get better quality time together as they haven't been stressed trying to get out of the house/get home at exactly 11.

trackies · 13/06/2013 10:28

i agree with pictish re:"There is no fault to be attributed to anyone. It's just the way it is."

One of my best friends is single. Pre kids we used to go on holiday every year together, but i just can't do this now. Am relieved that she has other friends that she can go with, so that she's still enjoying herself, and going out lots. I chose to have kids, so I just have to deal with it. I don't expect her to come to see me at my house. She hasn't come here for about 2 years. We meet up for dinner once a month.
When i was single, i wouldn't have wanted to go round to a friends with kids house every fortnight. I would have wanted to be out and about.

However, i do appreciate that you being a single parent makes it tricky or impossible to meet up with them.

OP, i think you will have to try and make new friends with kids so that you can meet up with DC during daytime. I know it's not the same as seeing your old friends in the evening but it will help a bit. It takes a while to forge new friends with kids, but can be done.

Sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time. Hope things get better for you soon.

ChaoticTranquility · 13/06/2013 10:37

Zombie thread for anyone getting a feeling of deja vu

mrsjay · 13/06/2013 10:50

ach why do I always ALWAYS reply to these sigh note to self look at the bloody date

MiaowTheCat · 13/06/2013 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 13/06/2013 13:05

OP I do get where you're coming from.

I'm the only one in my group to have a baby, recently I feel like I'm seeing or hearing from them less and less. I get we're all busy (I work too), and I don't expect them to change their lifestyle or stop going out.

Sometimes I just (selfishly) wish they were a bit more realistic in suggestions of what to do and where to meet. But I guess that's because I have a child, I know that I can't take DS on a two hour train journey so I have to decline. But I guess if you don't have kids you've no idea what's doable and what's difficult.

However I don't get texted to go out in the evening either. I'm more than happy to, DH is more than happy for me to go out but I think they assume I just don't want to, which isn't true now that DS is older. I hate the assumptions.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread