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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think childless friends are a bit selfish

137 replies

bbqjune · 21/04/2012 10:40

so i have 2 friends that i have known for quite some time, pre-ds we used to do everything together, holidays etc
however i find it difficult now that i have my ds to do the same kind of things with them, i just cant afford it anymore especially with having to pay babysitters
they recently went away for the weekend for one of their birthdays, i was invited but i declined as couldnt afford the hotel(and quite frankly i didnt want to spend the whole weekend following them round london while they shopped)
AIBU to think that we could do 'cheaper' activities(exc the weekend away it was her bday after all) i regularly invite them to come over to my house in the evenings for food and movies, this saves me a heck of a lot as i dont have to pay a babysitter but its not something they take me up on very often
also im going through a bit of a difficult time atm, which they know about so i would think that they would be a bit more supportive seen as i have supported and dropped everything for them whe n they have needed it
sorry for the long post im just a bit fed up :(

OP posts:
SodoffBaldrick · 21/04/2012 11:09

The parent bit is a choice, if not the 'single'. Or, at least the decision not to be a parent (yet) is a choice...

diddl · 21/04/2012 11:09

I don´t think selfish, but can´t understand why they wouldn´t want to come to yours the evening tbh.

GColdtimer · 21/04/2012 11:09

I am iften surprised at the attitude towards friendships on here sometimes. I thought friendship was about spending time with people you liked and supporting each other through the tough times. So I am going to go against the grain and say that I think that when you are friends with someone you try to accommodate their needs in order to see them and it requires a bit of give and take on all sides. Not to say they should stop doing the stuff they enjoy but taking you up on your offer of dinner at yours so they could actually see you wouldn't be too much to ask when you invite them. My childless friend's often cone for dinner. But then we are all heading for 40 so we are all a bit past our clubbing era and prefer wine, food and chat.

I would try and find another group of friend's. How ok'd us your DS? How old are you.

SinicalSanta · 21/04/2012 11:10

There's nothing wrong with them accomadating you by coming to yours for DVD and wine, likewise you follow their plans ocassionay too.
Molly - that's the point, op's friends aren't bothering to arrange things that are cheap. Of course no one is obliged to miss outbrcause they have kids. Who is arguing that? Just that sometimes it happens anyway. Things change after kids, money, childcare, time. These things have the impact not the state of being a mother in itself

Original poster
bbqjune · 21/04/2012 11:10

BonnieBumble i guess its the lack of understanding that is the most frustrating, from childless friends or friends with children, i think sometimes they think im over-exaggerating when i say i have no money spare after bills etc

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 21/04/2012 11:12

It's no good trying to hid that light PP, I've been around the SN boards a while and I know your style, You are luvverly.

molly3478 · 21/04/2012 11:13

Sorry didnt realise you were a single parent. However I have not really changed my lifestyle since having kids but I am lucky that my friends are all as skint as me so do it on the cheap. If you get 3 in a room you can get the travelodge for 6 quid each a night, so I still get to go wherever everyone is going. All my friends are young and skint though so we take pride in doing it as cheap as we can.

I think your friends are being harsh missing anyone out. We dont miss anyone out if they are low on funds, regardless of whether they have kids or not.

FallenCaryatid · 21/04/2012 11:14

Oh, and for what it's worth, I have several friends that are musicians.
Very very skint but happy, so we compromise on what we do.

mayorquimby · 21/04/2012 11:14

YABU
they're not being selfish at all. you're the one expecting them to tailor things towards you.

TheMonster · 21/04/2012 11:15

YABU, although I do sympathise with you. YOu can't expect them to change their lifestyles because you have.

SodoffBaldrick · 21/04/2012 11:15

That's the thing though OP - pre DC I just didn't have a clue. I'm embarrassed to admit it now, but it's true. No idea...

It's not personal. :)

Original poster
bbqjune · 21/04/2012 11:15

i know that i chose my lifestyle(although not the single parent part!) but i would like to think that i dont have to give up on my oldest friends because ive moved onto another stage of my life, we are all in our late 20's although they are both married they have chosen not to have children yet

OP posts:
Original poster
bbqjune · 21/04/2012 11:17

im not suggesting that they give up their lifestyle that would be selfish of me, rather that they be a little more accomodating of mine on occasions, is this selfish of me?

OP posts:
molly3478 · 21/04/2012 11:17

If you have caring friends they will understand. I understood before I had kids when my other friends had kids, and my single friends now understand. They come round and give me a break in the day, take dd to the park so I can have time to myself, also come sit in the play cafes with me etc. Good friends will be there for you regardless of having kids or not. I think you need to look at seeking out new friendships.

pictish · 21/04/2012 11:18

OP I have tons of experience with people who really do not understand that when I say I have no spare cash, I mean I HAVE NO SPARE CASH - so ikwym.

I do feel for you OP, you must feel sad and left out just now. x

titfortat · 21/04/2012 11:19

I don't think you are unreasonable, you're just missing your friends, right? Which is acceptable.

Yes, they shouldn't have to change their whole lifestyle, but it wouldn't hurt them to dedicate one or two days a month to doing something cheaper, which they still enjoy, but which the OP can also be involved with. That is what true friends do.

Or maybe I am just lucky to have such a brilliant friend. And her being lucky with me too.

PurplePidjin · 21/04/2012 11:20

There's a huge difference in perceptions of "going out for a meal" here.

My reading is that the op's friends like expensive restaurants and clubbing - so £100-200 for a night out in a town/city plus babysitter. Imo the friends should occasionally switch to a meal in a pub locally so that the OP can be included. It's called compromise and is what adults do.

SodoffBaldrick · 21/04/2012 11:20

It's difficult. I was in my prime, party-wise, in my late 20s. It's a shame you can't get together more, but to be honest, I had no interest in curbing it then, and did anything to avoid having kids, because here was more to life than sitting in, putting someone else first and changing nappies.

You're not in the wrong, they're not in the wrong - your lives are just a bit incompatible now. It'll probably even out in another 10 5 years or so.

FallenCaryatid · 21/04/2012 11:21

So, have you talked to them and told them exactly how you feel?

YusMilady · 21/04/2012 11:22

Sorry you're having a difficult time OP. But if you keep inviting them round to yours and they keep saying No (you say you haven't seen them since Feb) sounds to me like they're not that bothered. Perhaps it's time to move on and make some new friends.

SodoffBaldrick · 21/04/2012 11:22

None of my friends had children young, so I never had to compromise on nights out. Maybe if some of them were foolish enough to do so (kidding! Wink ) I might actually have been willing to compromise.

Labs1701 · 21/04/2012 11:29

Oh my goodness finally someone who feels the same as me!! I am the first of my friends to have a baby and let me tell you I certainly feel it. My so called best friend barely spoke to me throughout my pregnancy and rarely contacts me unless our other mutual friend is home from Scotland then she's all about meeting up, it is so fake. I very rarely get texts asking how I am and how is the baby it just upsets me as i feel like i have lost someone i've known since 3 years old (I'm 25 now). Just feels a little lonely when you are the only one with a baby in your group of mates so besides my fiancé, my mum and my sisters in law I don't have that friend to chat to about feeding, baby products and little tips.

GColdtimer · 21/04/2012 11:31

So all those who just think the op should suck it up, would you just drop your friends who didn't fit into your social scene? Because that is what they have done and that isn't friendship.

Op I feel for you, they don't get it. Have you told them how it makes you feel?

SodoffBaldrick · 21/04/2012 11:33

But can't you understand, also, how someone who hasn't been through that - has perhaps actively avoided going through it yet - might not be overly interested?

I know good friends should share all, but it does cut both ways.

mayorquimby · 21/04/2012 11:33

not saying the op should just suck it up, simply saying the friends aren't being selfish.