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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is MIL taking over or am i being PFB?

200 replies

Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 19:36

Hi All. I am genuinely flip flopping between whether IABU or not so i thought i would ask you for thoughts. I may be too close to the situation to see it rationally so i would appreciate some impartial advice.

Long story short - Pils don't speak to me, they banned me from their home 2 years ago. They are bizarre people with very odd behaviours. They basically try to impose their opinion on people and get extremely hurt and defensive when they don't toe the line. They then don't argue or discuss it, they just ban people from their home. They never leave home (only for local shops and car boot sales). They have never visited DP before or since we have been together.

So now i am due our 1st baby in August and MIL appears to be buying EVERYTHING for it. She has sent DP a list of all the stuff bought so far. These include, among other things, Cot , Pram, nursery furniture, clothes, kitchen equipment, car seat etc. And is saying she is still getting more stuff. She has not asked what i think or anything about my opinion. (She also keeps calling it her precious grandson, when we don't even know what gender it is).

These are all from car boots and internet, which i don't mind at all. However, although we would have bought second hand stuff, they would have been our choice. I have (as usual 1st mum) been researching best prams/cots etc. And as a new mum i am excited about choosing these things together with DP.

So is she just being nice or controlling? DP thinks it's great, as she is showing an interest in baby and it means everything will be free (he doesn't really care whether things match or understand why i would enjoy choosing my own stuff).

She has a history of insisting we have her choice of stuff and then going off if we say no. I just feel i am being excluded from my own baby. I feel that she has had hers and now she's trying to take over mine. I just feel like an incubator for her 'precious grandson' - altho she doesn't seem to have registered that she will never see it if things remain as they are.

Sorry for being a bit rambling. Could someone shake me and give me a dose of reality. AIBU?

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 18/04/2012 19:38

i hope she has a new matress and a new carseat, all the rest would not bother me.

birdsofshoreandsea · 18/04/2012 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

storminabuttercup · 18/04/2012 19:42

I would tell her to piss off to stop buying things.

I enjoyed doing the shopping for my pfb.

How does your dh feel about her banning you from the house and not speaking to you?

GwennieF · 18/04/2012 19:42

It would bug the hell out of me!

Springforward · 18/04/2012 19:42

I don't think I would put up with this happily - she won't speak to you but is choosing your baby's things, without finding out what you would like for him/ her?

YANBU, IMHO.

lazylula · 18/04/2012 19:44

I personally would not like it. Mil paid for our pram but gave me the choice, afterall I am the one pushing it around and knew what I would want from it. Car seat wise, it needs to be fitted in your car to make sure it is a good fit. We borrowed a cot so that would not bother me (new mattress of course).

NeedToSleepZZZ · 18/04/2012 19:44

YANBU, not sure if it's controlling behaviour or just very very odd tbh. If they never come to see you, will that change when your dc is born? Do you want them to come and visit (you have a say in this!)? I think you need to tell your dh about how this is making you feel and how weird his mum is and hopefully he will address it with her as she's made it obvious that she doesn't want to see you so it's up to him to sort this out.

Good luck!

misslinnet · 18/04/2012 19:44

YANBU, your MIL sounds like she's going completely overboard here.
It's normal for other people to ask the new parents opinions before buying big stuff. Although also normal for people to buy you random baby clothes as baby gifts.

Also, second hand car seats aren't recommended, as if they've been in an accident they may not protect your child properly if your car's involved in an accident. Even if they look okay on the outside. Best avoided unless you can be certain about the car seat's history.

But is it possible that she's trying to be nice and doesn't realise that it's coming across as controlling?

Original poster
Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 19:44

I suppose my issue is that even tho MIL ignores me should i accept everything she gives us including her choice of stuff which aren't my taste? And how does that work gratitude wise? I would feel oddly beholden even tho i didn't actually want the stuff. Would i have to thank her? i couldn't accept things if i couldn't thank the person, but if they pretend i don't exist how would that work?

ooooh my head is spinning!!

OP posts:
EMS23 · 18/04/2012 19:46

Maybe she's buying these things for her house, for use by her when your baby visits her.

If not, I'd personally find it too much, even if I was on speaking terms with them. Being as she doesn't speak to you anyway, I think you've got nothing to lose in either saying thanks but no thanks or accepting the goods then Ebaying them and buying what you actually want.

If you were hoping to make up with them maybe you could suggest a baby stuff shopping trip together so you at least get some say?

MrsMcEnroe · 18/04/2012 19:47

YANBU. Your MIL sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Rubirosa · 18/04/2012 19:48

YANBU

Given that she ignores you and has banned you from her house, I wouldn't accept anything.

Buy your own stuff, get stuff you like for your own baby.

tattyteddy · 18/04/2012 19:48

I don't think yanbu at all.

I loved choosing things for my pfb! Also I think you need to be careful with 2nd hand car seats just in case they've been in an accident.

Xx

Noqontrol · 18/04/2012 19:50

No I don't think you are being unreasonable. This is your first baby and part of the joy is going out and choosing all that stuff. Unless of course you ask other people to get stuff, or you tell them it's ok to get what they want for you. Which you haven't. All my stuff was donated from my brothers friend when my first was born, but it certainly wasn't foisted upon me, and I was more than grateful for it. But that was my choice not anyone else's.

everlong · 18/04/2012 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 18/04/2012 19:50

This would (and does) bug me.. The type of person who does this usually expects much gratitude and is offended to the hills if you politely decline or want to use something different (or heaven forbid choose your own stuff for your own baby) - it takes all the fun out of it for you and personally I find it implies that I'm not able or capable of doing it myself (yes I've been there)

the thing that puzzles me (apart from your OH not being a united front with you over this) is that she has banned you from her home and yet assumes she will have contact with your child.. Personally me, DH and our children come as a package: if you can't be nice to me, you are potentially forgoing a relationship with your grandchildren. You are not an incubator, you are a person. I'd sort this out now because trust me it'll only get worse once your baby arrives.

Original poster
Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 19:50

Thanks all. I know about the car seat thing and DP said he will accept everything and then tip it if it isn't what we want. But i feel bad about that.

DP knows what they are like and we have accepted their behaviour as something totally unchangeable and tbh i don't care anymore (as long as it doesn't affect me - as this is). They wont visit when baby is born and wont come to our wedding (whether i wanted them there or not).

I think she thinks DP will take the baby up there without me. Not sure how she thinks that will work tho!

OP posts:
SecretNutellaFix · 18/04/2012 19:52

Tell you dh that there is no reason for her to be buying all that stuff. Seeing as you are banned from her home, she will not be seeing the child without you, therefore she won't need this stuff for her place.

Play dumb. Assume they are for her own use and still go out and choose what fit your requirements.
I see so many excited grannies coming and saying I'm buying the pram and choosing a huge tank like creation because it looks good, then 2 weeks later the new parents are looking for one that can fold, will fit in their car/house.

LordEmsworth · 18/04/2012 19:53

Sorry, but your partner needs to tell her that if she chooses not to be involved with you, the child's mother, then she chooses not to be involved with the child. At all, including buying things for the child she's never going to see because she refuses to talk to you / see you / acknowledge your existence.

I can't believe anyone thinks you should do anything else!

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 18/04/2012 19:54

YANBU

Get DH to tell her that it will all be going to the charity shop if it arrives at your house and it will never be used at her house. There's not a chance in hell my kids would be going to her house whilst she treat me like shit. No way.

Why the hell is your DH allowing her to treat you as she does?

everlong · 18/04/2012 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 18/04/2012 19:56

YANBU. Tell her to keep them in her house. Don't accept those things. It's very weird.

My MIL is a bit pushy but even she would never just go and choose prams etc...she would ask me specifically "Can I get this for DC?" even as far as easter eggs! I am not weird about these things...My MIL is just checking I havent bought one already etc.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 18/04/2012 19:56

As she doesn't speak to you and it doesn't sound like she's tried to build bridges since you've been pregnant, I wouldn't be too worried about telling her the stuff she has bought for baby isn't wanted. Even if it is for her house, why on earth would you leave your baby with people who refuse to speak to you?

Go out and enjoy buying your baby things of your choosing. Your PIL have had their turn with their own DC.

Original poster
Spuddybean · 18/04/2012 19:58

The stuff is not for their house it is for here. She keeps emailing everyday with updates of the stuff she has bought.

She would never go shopping or buy stuff we want as she would have to choose things and they would also have to be from a car boot sale/ebay. We don't live near and she doesn't leave her house.

She would not speak to me so i can't even say i don't want the stuff.

One previous example is she knew we were getting a new carpet and she called the carpet company and changed our order to something cheap and nasty (just cos it was the cheapest in the shop). When we cancelled her choice and had what we wanted she sent DP a long email about being betrayed and offended. If you don't do as she wants she cries saying you have upset her till DP gives in.

OP posts:
JingleMum · 18/04/2012 19:58

i'd tell her thanks but no thanks.

maybe when the baby is a little older you might let DP takes baby to visit them every now and then for a few hours? if that's the case then she can keep the stuff at hers.

to be honest she should be trying to build bridges with you, you are the mother of her grandchild, i would get DP to mention that.