Is MIL taking over or am i being PFB?

[Spuddybean]

Hi All. I am genuinely flip flopping between whether IABU or not so i thought i would ask you for thoughts. I may be too close to the situation to see it rationally so i would appreciate some impartial advice.

Long story short - Pils don't speak to me, they banned me from their home 2 years ago. They are bizarre people with very odd behaviours. They basically try to impose their opinion on people and get extremely hurt and defensive when they don't toe the line. They then don't argue or discuss it, they just ban people from their home. They never leave home (only for local shops and car boot sales). They have never visited DP before or since we have been together.

So now i am due our 1st baby in August and MIL appears to be buying EVERYTHING for it. She has sent DP a list of all the stuff bought so far. These include, among other things, Cot , Pram, nursery furniture, clothes, kitchen equipment, car seat etc. And is saying she is still getting more stuff. She has not asked what i think or anything about my opinion. (She also keeps calling it her precious grandson, when we don't even know what gender it is).

These are all from car boots and internet, which i don't mind at all. However, although we would have bought second hand stuff, they would have been our choice. I have (as usual 1st mum) been researching best prams/cots etc. And as a new mum i am excited about choosing these things together with DP.

So is she just being nice or controlling? DP thinks it's great, as she is showing an interest in baby and it means everything will be free (he doesn't really care whether things match or understand why i would enjoy choosing my own stuff).

She has a history of insisting we have her choice of stuff and then going off if we say no. I just feel i am being excluded from my own baby. I feel that she has had hers and now she's trying to take over mine. I just feel like an incubator for her 'precious grandson' - altho she doesn't seem to have registered that she will never see it if things remain as they are.

Sorry for being a bit rambling. Could someone shake me and give me a dose of reality. AIBU?

My DH's mother is like this and it is something you need to put a stop to before it gets out of hand. DH is now not even on talking terms with his mother because it escalated to a point of causing a HUGE row. She wouldn't accept it when DH told her she was interfering too much in how we wanted to bring up our DD and flipped out when we told her to back off a bit (politely said obviously). I wish I had been firmer with her from the start to avoid having a big argument about it 6 months down the line and tolerating all her overbearing and controlling behaviour in the interim period.

I sympathise, all the fun bits of getting ready for your first DC are being overtaken by your inlaws. You are not being unreasonable.

YANBU. Although I wouldn't normally want to be ungrateful about any gifts, things like prams, car seats and nursery furniture are really personal. They need to be the right size for the room, fit in the car boot, comfortable for you to use and generally be suitable for your needs.

So she needs to buy these things in conjunction with you or not at all.

Good Luck, sounds like you're going to need it.

get dh to take the stuff back.

And there is no way I would let my new baby go to a house where I was banned from!

Umm. Since you are not allowed to go to their home and they won't come to yours, how are they ever going to see the baby? I do hope you are not planning on letting dp take your child to visit them? That's the thing I'd be worrying about here - does he think he will be taking your child to their house without you? As a baby, as a toddler, as an older child? And have you said "no way, over my dead body" to him about that, very very clearly? Now is the time ...

I remember you from a previous thread and I don't really understand why your dp visits them, tbh. What message is that going to give your child about his mum, later? That granny hates mummy but daddy thinks that's ok? Fabulous. That if you decide you don't like someone then you can be appallingly rude to them and people will allow it? Another great life lesson.

Seriously. His parents have BANNED HIS WIFE FROM THEIR HOME and yet he still goes to visit them. Forget whether MIL buys a pram, you have bigger issues. You may think it doesn't much matter now, but you're having a family of your own. It is going to start mattering, believe me. Especially when MIL realises she isn't going to get to see her gc and starts putting the pressure on your dp.

As to the baby stuff - if dp brings some of it to your house, decide if you like it. If you don't, send it to the charity shop. They'll never know, will they?

Spuddybean, if I were you I would not let this upset me, I would simply put everything she gives you for the baby on gumtree/Ebay take it to a car boot, make a bit of cash out of it, and buy some more baby tihngs of your choosing with the money. Better than just tipping it. Those things could be useful for some other crazy MIL to buy

Just because she buys stuff, doesn't mean you are obliged to use it.

I remember some of your other threads. Were they the Christmas tree people?

I was ready to go off on one until I saw the bit - 'altho she doesn't seem to have registered that she will never see it if things remain as they are.'

That's all that matters really.

She sounds extremely unpleasant, and I'd be worrying more about the effect of her and her divisive behaviour on my child and its family than I would about material possessions.

But if you are decided that no, your DH won't be taking the baby anywhere you are not welcome, full stop - then it's all academic. They shouldn't be allowed anywhere near, ever. On the actual problem of the clothes/equipment - if someone treated me like this, I'd have absolutely no qualms about skipping/selling the lot - and telling them so. Harsh? No. These gifts aren't gifts, things that you are grateful for the thought and expense gone to for your benefit. They aren't for your benefit. They are tools being utilised to make sure she has access to your child. They are utterly harmful gestures, really. Unless they're arriving along with enquiries about how you are, how the pregnancy is going, invitations to their home, olive branches. They're not, are they?

So give not a fuck. One thing, though. I would be sitting down with your DP now and having a conversation about it all, a REALLY big one. You seem quite laid back. Your DP seems perched atop a fence so big I'm amazed he can see the ground. That is NOT going to work long term - and it shouldn't be working now, because frankly it's pretty demeaning to you.

WHY ON EARTH is he just accepting these gifts, and not saying 'What's this for? No, you don't want to know my partner, remember? So how on earth do you think you'll be having any relationship with HER CHILD?'

'You've bought a pram? Why? Are you having a baby? It's for us? Then why haven't you consulted us?'

Etc. etc.

I'm guessing they've been utterly mad and toxic his whole life, and he has adjusted into a totally abnormal response to them to be able to cope with it (Hint: here's the reason you don't want to let either of them within a country mile of your child). But that can't carry on. It won't carry on, because they will start demanding, or turning up, or in some way making his life hell to get to the baby. So, I would make it clear right now that he needs to start getting off the fence. If nothing else, him not saying anything is essentially him saying he's ok with the way they've treated you. He shouldn't be ok with it, not at all. Really not a good response on his part - and probably part of the reason that they feel they can act like this right now.

If you're banned from their house she won't be seeing her grandson (oh how I hope it's a girl) for quite a while will she?

Personally I'd send a brief thank you note but eBay or chuck anything I didn't want or like. You can put the money towards things you choose.

You are not an incubator so she's no right to dictate what YOUR baby has.

When we moved house she tried to find out which removal company we had hired so she could call them as she was convinced she could get it cheaper than me.

Everything is about money. So she doesn't understand why we would buy what we like rather than the cheapest option. She bought really hideous pale blue veloury curtains for our bright red decorated bedroom . And was really upset/angry when i said i had bought some from John Lewis (which we loved). She suggested i could take mine back!

DP (and i) accept the way they behave. They have banned every family member & what few friends from their lives based on minor transgressions which are huge insults to them. It has nothing to do with me, more their mental health.

If she never comes to your house just stick what you don't want on e bay/ car boot it yourself.

I was exactly the same with my mil buying crap stuff that wasn't what we needed or wanted. Now I just take it with a smile and thank you and find a new home for it.

I have tried suggesting things for mil to buy for Christmas and birthdays butane seems to find pleasure in buying whatever it is that I have said the dcs don't like or want. I have now given up.

Ah, good point. Ebay all the stuff and then buy what you want.

And no, no need at all to feel grateful to them, really no need! And as you say, you can't thank someone who pretends you don't exist. Actually, you should start pretending she doesn't exist ...

That would seriously piss me off.

I wouldn't have any of it in the house, on principle....

My god spud she sounds crazy. What a bloomin cheek about the carpet. Your dp needs to tell her straight, Crikey, and I thought my in laws were bad ..... Note to self to stop complaining about my in laws!!

'If you don't do as she wants she cries saying you have upset her till DP gives in.'

If he doesn't stop giving in, he will wreck your relationship. It doesn't matter how laid back you are. It needs tackling, before you find yourselves on a whole different footing with each other the day your DP starts trying to persuade you to let him take the baby along to see them, just for half an hour. Just to calm them down. Then it's once a month. Then before you know it, your three year old is telling you that you're a bad mummy because granny said so.

Your DP needs to man up and see who his family are, before he puts that family at risk.

She sounds deranged! Stop playing along with this - she is side-lining you in your own family. Start getting angry - how dare she exclude you and ride roughshod over your feelings? Unless things change pronto, she accepts your relationship with your DP and begs your forgiveness for her insane behaviour then she is not seeing you, DP or the baby. Seriously, don't accept being treated like this.

Butane?? But she, is what I tried to say!

This is easily solved, as long as you make it absolutely clear to your DH that if he visits them he doesn't bring any of this stuff back. If they never leave the house they won't bring it to you. They can do what they like with it.

Anyone who refused to speak to me and banned me from their house would have no contact with my child until they were able to maintain civilised relations with me. As you say, you are not an incubator.

And choosing the baby's things is one of the fun bits! God knows you put up with a lit during pregnancy, YANBU to want to choose what your baby has and ensure it's safe.

You and DH don't have to keep pandering to your PILs controlling actions.

So she's bought some stuff.

1. How does it get to you, if she won't visit and you aren't allowed at her house?
2. You don't have to keep or use any of it. How will she know? (see point above)
3. Things can't get any worse between you, so just charity shop what you don't want.

The problem comes if your DH thinks you have to use MIL stuff and not get what you need/want/will use. Would that be an issue?

Personally I'd carry on as if there was no list of shit she's bought - until it's in your possession. Don't rely on them for anything.

You're banned from their home and yet they're buying pretty much everything for your baby without permission or consultation? They can fuck right off. I actually think it's quite controlling, not to mention bloody weird.

The important thing to remember is that this is HER issue/problem, not yours. So, even if she is "not talking" to you, you need to send her an email or letter, politely thanking her for her "gifts", explain that you now have everything you need, and that in fact duplicates of many things. Ask her not to trouble herself with anything else for the baby for now.

Then get on with your life and plans. You have to take control now, rise above it and concentrate and you, you OH and the baby.

If MIL throws a wobbly, tough!

I agree with the previous poster who said accept all the gifts graciously and then Ebay the lot. Seriously, WTF? She had her kids and now it is your turn; all FTMs would like to be able to choose what they want, and what about the fact your parents might want to contribute and friends/other family will want to buy gifts. She is not doing this for you, it is about her own gratification and desire to manifest herself as the perfect MIL/GM.

I do think your husband should confront her however it might not be that he has the ability to grow an pair before the baby comes. Sometimes men are a bit detached from the whole thing until the baby comes. She needs to realise that you, her DS and your new baby are now a family and if she keeps behaving like a freak she will not be a part of that unit. It's not for me to say how people live their lives but when one partner has a separate relationship with their parents that exclude their other half but involve the children it usually ends in resentment. He needs to fight your corner and she needs to suck it up.

Also, try to discourage your DH from discussing baby names with her, this is unlikely to end well....

I think she is doing this as a way of trying to make amends and stay close to you and the baby, and it is very kind of her, but also I do think there is any element of slightly scary control there. It would be so much nicer if she offered to let you come with her, and choose things together as and when you see them at car boot sales, and she could pay. I do not think that YABU in expressing your concerns. I'd be wary. She could use this as a reason to flare up and start a row if she thinks you are not using all/any of what she has bought, and take it as a snub. Tread carefully and play a clever diplomatic game.

Such a shame really, as she clearly wants to be a very involved granny but she is screwing it up before baby is even here!

Well they already give DP loads of furniture and stuff - they seem totally oblivious that this is my home to and i get a say in the decor! The problem is he takes it and skips it before he gets in!

So in their mind our house is decorated by them and i am just accepting it all without thanking them or making a fuss! Whereas the reality is our house is decorated by me and DP!

I have made it absolutely clear baby will not be going there ever. I have said however if they want to extend an olive branch then they can visit us or invite me to their house for an afternoon. But despite everytime he goes they say 'oh we must sort this out' everytime he suggests anything they 'aren't ready'.

He also comes back saying they are still very angry about my behaviour (insulting their xmas tree and not eating battery eggs) and says sometimes 'it's 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other'. Which i, of course, put straight immediately!!

And sadly i know they wont want to know baby if it's a girl. MIL is obsessed with boys and particularly DP. She has banned her 2 daughters from the house since they were young.